A clinical psychologist from the University of Alabama, Birmingham, School of Public Health warns that extreme football fanaticism may actually be an addiction that can damage life’s most important relationships. Even in parts of the country where football madness is the norm, this expert says that fans need to be alert to the danger of fun turning into obsession. Over-indulging in sports viewing can negatively impact a person’s quality of life.

Devoted Fan or Sports Addict?

The psychologist says it isn’t only about the number of hours you spend in front of the television or computer, but how that involvement might be taking you away from everyday, real-life commitments. So how can a person determine if they are a devoted fan or a sports addict? Here are some guidelines he provided to check the healthiness of your fandom:

1. Do you have football on your mind even when you are engaged in other activities?
2. Do you prioritize the game over significant events with others such as birthdays, anniversaries and key social gatherings?
3. Do you feel depressed, angry or become violent if your favored team loses?

If your honest answers caused a twinge of conscience, remember that sports viewing is a habit, and habits can be changed. Habit changes are usually successful when they are planned and when they happen incrementally. Also keep in mind that the longer a person avoids changing wrong habits, the more difficult it becomes to change and the greater the potential risk for damaged relationships along the way.

Changing an Unhealthy Sports Obsession

Here are a few tips toward changing unhealthy sports obsession:

1. For one week, keep a record of how much time you spend watching, listening to or playing online sports.
2. Set personal limits on your sports viewing. Perhaps allow yourself only one sporting event per week or limit your viewing time to two hours.
3. Include your family in establishing your limits and rules. Do not allow a game to keep you from attending things like birthday and anniversary celebrations.
4. Make a substitution. In place of time spent viewing sports, go outside and participate in some with family and friends. Even if you exchange passive viewing for time spent socializing with others, the habit is being replaced.

Sports can be a fun way to pass a Saturday or Sunday afternoon with family and friends, and it’s okay to be an ardent fan. Sunday quarterbacking and fantasy football can be enjoyed so long as the line between reality and fantasy is clear and sports fans are able to treat each accordingly. If enjoying the game keeps you from enjoying people and events of real and lasting value, you may be off-sides.

New research from The University of Queensland’s Centre for Youth Substance Abuse Research (CYSAR) and the Centre for Adolescent Health in Melbourne indicates that parents play a significant role in helping their child with big decisions about alcohol consumption.

The part that parents play, however, may be different in its start than what most parents expect. The study indicates that it is the relationship built between the parents and children long before alcohol enters the picture that can help teens make wise decisions.

The research provided evidence that emotional connection established between fathers and daughters and between mothers and sons may protect young teenagers. The researchers also found that family conflict more often affects girls’ decisions about drinking than boys’.

In addition, the research cautioned parents that they may need to begin implementing strategies for dealing with alcohol-related behaviors very early. Many young people are being confronted with decisions about alcohol even in the pre-teen years.

Associate Professor Adrian Kelly explained that the results show that certain relationships within the family unit may have a unique role in protecting kids when confronted with alcohol issues. The research controlled for factors that can have a big influence on kids’ decisions, such as having close friends who use alcohol, and parental involvement still trumped those factors in its effectiveness.

The influence of a parent may hit its peak in the pre-teen and early teen years. It is critical that parents tap into this influence and build a strong relationship with their children so that when big decisions come up, kids aren’t confused about how their parents might react to a conversation about those decisions.

The researchers used data from the Healthy Neighbourhoods study, pulling information on 7500 kids living in Victoria, Queensland and Western Australia. The information confirmed that alcohol is being used by kids younger than 14 and is a significant problem for pre-teens.

The study highlights the important role that parents play in their kids’ decisions about alcohol. It also supports the need for early education and relationship-building by parents to help their kids navigate alcohol decisions carefully and with enough information to make a good decision.

Be Actively Engaged in Your Teen’s Life

The most important part of parenting is knowing how to strike the delicate balance between encouraging your teen to grow and exerting parental control over certain behaviors. You want to be involved in your teenage son or daughter’s life, but you don’t want to be perceived as overly intrusive.

How do you walk the fine line? One way is to be actively engaged in what’s going on with your teen. Take an interest in his or her daily activities and express yourself in positive ways about activities, friends, and behavior that is healthy, productive, and fits within the family rules.

Active engagement means inquiring how the school project your teen is working on with other students is coming along, commenting on how well he or she is doing in sports, getting involved with the parents of your teen’s friends in school activities. When you are proactive about the everyday life circumstances of your teen, you take nothing for granted. You keep an open mind and look for ways to encourage your teen to grow and mature. This way you will be aware when something is amiss, when your teen seems troubled or appears to have a problem that needs to be discussed.
You won’t always be privey to inner turmoil. Much of what your teen is willing to talk with you about depends on your overall relationship. But being actively engaged in his or her life can go a long way toward helping your teen to counter peer pressure to drink and do drugs.

Keep Communications Open and Honest

It’s easy to say that parents should keep an open line of communication with their children, especially teens, but it’s not always easy to do. Suppose you grew up in a family where the parents were distant or worked long hours and spent very little time with you. Not only did you perhaps have inadequate role modeling, you also likely missed out on the ability to easily communicate with your parents. How are you supposed to know from the get-go how to be open and honest in your communicaton with your own children?

The truth is that it may take a bit of work to open up the lines of communication in your own nuclear family. But you can do it. Just start by making yourself a promise that you will share news and conversation freely and try to point out the positives more than negatives that happen in daily life. Your children are like sponges. They absorb what they see and hear. If you consistently speak with them in respectful manner, giving them their opportunity to have their say in return, this practice will become part of your overall relationship with your children. You will, in effect, create the open and honest communication that you know will benefit everyone in the family.

Being open and honest doesn’t mean that there won’t be conflict from time to time. Every family has conflict. The secret is in learning how to constructively manage conflict, to allow disagreement to be expressed – within the rules of the family – and to mutually arrive at a decision. Keep in mind that family rules have to be communicated well and often so that your teens know where they stand. There have to be consequences for disobeying the family rules, and you need to be willing to enforce them. That’s the honest part. Let your teen know what you expect, but always be available to talk with them about their concerns – about anything.

Be a Good Listener

Remember that, as parents, you’re not always the one doing the talking. At least, you shouldn’t be. How can you learn what’s really going on in your teen’s life if you don’t listen to what he or she has to say? And you have to really listen, not just nod your head and mumble something unintelligible. Your teen knows if you’re paying attention. Teens are very good at saying something totally off the wall just to see if you’re listening or tuned out. Not only that, but they’ll remember your lack of interest the next time. Pretty soon, they won’t even bother to communicate much of anything, especially anything important.

Try acknowledging something your son or daughter says by repeating part of it back to them. Then ask a question that will spark continued discussion of the matter. Rather than making your teen’s statement about his or her day or some particular interest or activity a simple declaration and that’s the end of it, this practice may open up the discussion and take it into an area where you’re sharing more of your teen’s life. The bonus is that you’re able to have a productive discussion and your teen feels that you care about his or her life.

Being a good listener also means that you have to be ready to hear some things you’d rather not hear. You want your teen to feel comfortable coming to you with any kind of problem or trouble. So, listening means being willing to digest some potentially disturbing or bad news. Your teen may have been caught sneaking a beer from the home of one of his or her friends. Maybe some of your teen’s friends were arrested for drunk driving after a school away football game (although your teen wasn’t with them) and your teen is testing you out, trying to see where you’ll come down on the issue.

Practice Good Role Modeling

No matter what your situation was when you were growing up, you can make a pledge to be a good role model to your teenage children now. If you want to help your teen counter peer pressure to drink and do drugs, make sure that you don’t engage in these habits yourself. Parents are the single most important influence on their children. If your teen knows that you don’t drink or do drugs, and there are strong family rules against such behavior by the children, they will be much more likely to resist peer pressure to engage in such actions.

Get to Know Your Teen’s Friends

Who does your teen hang out with? If you don’t know, you should. In fact, you should make it a practice to get to know your teen’s friends. Not only their friends, but also their parents. You can subtly encourage your teen to do things with teens that are responsible and respectful, that get good grades at school, and seem to be well-adjusted and happy at home.
When you know your teen’s friends, should something come up and you need to get in touch with them, you’ll know how to do it. You won’t be scrambling around or at a loss as to where and with whom your son or daughter spends time.

Do Activities As a Family

How many families in America consist of latchkey children, adolescents and teens who come and go at will while their parents are away working or otherwise absent from the home? How much family integration do you think happens in those households? Not much. When there’s too much time and no parental supervision or presence, bad things are bound to happen. It not only becomes easier for teens to be involved in situations where they’re pressured to drink or do drugs, there’s no one around to tell them that’s not okay behavior.

Parents can help counter this even if both of you work. Arrange to have your son or daughter call you when they come home from school. Insist on everyone being present for the family dinner – no excuses, no eating in front of the TV, or shoving a sandwich in the mouth and heading out the door. Plan activities to do together as a family on a regular basis. Maybe it’s a weekly movie night – renting DVDs or going to the cineplex (to see a family movie). Perhaps your family loves the outdoors. Get involved in recreational activities such as downhill or cross-country skiing, sledding, ice skating, or basketball, baseball, swimming, hiking. Go ballooning, play golf, go bicycling. Play games at home as a family, including checkers, Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit, Clue, even videogames that are not overly aggressive or violent.

The point is that you want your teens to become accustomed to doing things together as a family. This may even be something they can say to their friends who are pressuring them to drink or do drugs. “I’ve got to go home. It’s family night.” It’s not only a reasonable rejoinder, it’s also a positive statement of intention. Being expected home with the family and wanting to be there are excellent ways to ward off peer pressure to drink and do drugs.

Praise Your Teen’s Accomplishments

Remember how you felt when your parents praised you for something you did well as a child? The glow you felt receiving the praise is something you want your own children to feel. But they can only feel this if you make it a practice to freely give praise to them for their accomplishments.

It doesn’t have to be anything major, either. Tell your son or daughter how much you appreciate that they took the initiative to help out around the house without being asked. Express your pleasure at your teen’s thoughtfulness with other children in the family or with neighbors.

Praise is like water to a growing plant. Without water, the plant withers and dies or becomes stunted and sickly. Without priase or recognition for achievement, your teen doesn’t blossom and grow more confident in his or her own abilities and decision-making skills.

Minimize Criticism

Again, going back to your own childhood, remember how stung you felt if your parents gave you some harsh criticism over something you did or said – or failed to do or say? Your own children are equally sensitive and teens are perhaps the most sensitive of all. After all, they’ve got all these raging hormones at work and every little thing can be taken out of proportion. Little hurts fester and become big hurts.

Naturally, every teen makes mistakes. So does everyone, adults included. When your teen says or does something wrong or not to your liking, avoid the tendency to lash out with a critical remark. Use the situation as an opportunity for learning. Try to turn it around so that your teen sees how doing or saying things a little differently can greatly impact the outcome. In this way, your teen will learn healthier ways of dealing with all types of situations – including peer pressure to drink and do drugs.

Let’s say your teen is picking up on something that’s on television. Maybe a teen character is drunk and acting out, becoming violent and causing another physical or emotional harm. You can make a comment about how unfortunate it is that the teen can’t see how his or her actions are limiting opportunities. If your teen is receptive, have a discussion over how the situation could have been handled better. Don’t do it during the TV show, but later when it’s more conducive to conversation.

Help Teens Resist Peer Pressure

Sometimes your teen may come right out and ask you how to overcome peer pressure to drink or do drugs – or to stay out late or go where they’re not supposed to. You should be ready to sit down and brainstorm with your teen some effective things to say and do to counter such peer pressure. If your teen doesn’t bring up the subject of peer pressure, you certainly can during one of your one-on-one discussions with your son or daughter.

It’s also important that both parents be united on how to handle peer pressure. In other words, you both want to be on the same page. Discuss how you’ll handle such conversations with your teen and agree on a strategy. Have some talking points handy. Here are some things that you can offer to your teen as what to say to counter pressure from their friends to drink or do drugs.

• “I don’t drink or do drugs because I don’t like the taste.” – This is easy enough to understand. What the statement says about your teen is that he or she is confident in making a decision and strong enough to stand up for it.

• “If my coach finds out that I’ve been drinking (or doing drugs), I’ll be kicked off the team. I’m not going to risk it.” – Given the importance that sports plays in the lives of many teens, this statement can ring true with your son or daughter’s friends. Even if they’re not into sports, the fact that your teen is – and wants to keep it that way – will help him or her counter the peer pressure to drink or do drugs.

• “If my parents find out, I’ll be grounded for a month – maybe longer. I can’t take that chance.” – No one wants to be grounded, especially teens. Being able to have their freedom is essential, so they can relate to this statement. The price is just too high to pay and your teen will be on safer ground making this statement to friends who try to encourage drinking or doing drugs.

Another helpful tip is to agree upon code words that your son or daughter can use if there’s trouble or calls asking permission to do something. When he or she calls and says the code word meaning there’s trouble, that’s your signal to go and pick up your teen no questions asked. A different code word can be used if your teen calls and asks permission to do something he or she knows isn’t right. Friends can be right there urging him or her on but the fact that your teen says the code word means he wants and needs you to say no and to tell him to come home.

Finally, let your teens know that standing up to peer pressure to drink or do drugs is sometimes difficult to do, but it’s the right thing to do and signals growth and maturity. Tell them that resisting peer pressure will help them feel good about themselves and increase their self-confidence about being able to handle tough situations and to make the right choices about things that are important to their lives.

Use or Abuse – Still Sends the Wrong Message

It’s worth pointing out that no one’s arguing that parents don’t deserve their small pleasures. That’s not the issue here. What is important is that whether you occasionally use tobacco or alcohol or abuse the substances, your behavior still sends the wrong message.

Nicotine and tobacco products are bad for your health. There’s no getting around the facts. Ditto drinking too much alcohol, which can not only damage your health but result in dependence or addiction when carried too far. Some individuals even have a genetic predisposition or vulnerability to addiction.

So, bottom line: What you do in front of your kids makes an impression. And once they’ve gotten that message, it may be very difficult to change it.

Only a Little Bit Still Counts

“But it’s only a little bit,” you argue. Well, only a little bit still counts. Children are like sponges. They soak up whatever’s around them. Sights, sounds, smells – all make a mark somewhere in the child’s mind. Think back to when you accidentally slammed your finger with a hammer or shattered a dish when it dropped and uttered a choice expletive or two. If your toddler was within earshot, and was beginning to form words, guess what he or she repeated? There was no right or wrong in the child’s behavior. Your young son or daughter was simply mimicking what they heard you say.

Such mimicking behavior doesn’t disappear over time. In fact, studies have shown that environmental factors in the home influence substance use, abuse, and addiction. What children see and hear what their parents do and say registers as something that’s okay behavior.

Changing Parental Behavior

If even a little bit still counts, how can you curb your own behavior so that it doesn’t negatively influence your kids? For some, it may mean taking drastic action. For others, it may be more a matter of making a conscious decision to avoid smoking or drinking in front of the children.

It will still take some doing. And it may not be easy, either. How can you go about it? Here are some suggestions:

• Consider the long-term impact. – One tip is to consider what your actions will mean for the future of your children. You want them to grow up to be healthy and happy and have all the opportunities for success that are possible. Do you want to think of them stuck with a nicotine habit or relying on alcohol as part of their everyday routine? Of course you don’t. What parent would? By refining your perception of what you’re trying to do – change your behavior – to incorporate a desire to be a good example so your children’s future may be enhanced, you may find it less onerous to actually do the hard work required.

• Have a family discussion. – Naturally, you won’t be able to change your ways overnight. Depending on how long you’ve smoked or consumed alcohol, you may need outside help to cut down or quit. First, however, you should have a discussion with your family about your plans. They should know that you have made a decision to drastically cut or eliminate smoking and drinking. You can cite statistics on how harmful such substances can be, and definitely mention that you would like their understanding and support as you move forward with your plans. If you’ve never had much family discussion before, this may come as a surprise to your loved ones. But they’ll soon get acclimated if you handle the conversation with honesty and love.

• Enlist your partner in a joint effort. – It’s not uncommon for both parents to drink and/or smoke. In order to stop the negative influence on your kids, you both need to take action. Whether you decide to not smoke or drink only in front of your children or quit completely, you both should do so together. Two partners helping each other is a powerful combination.

• Give yourself a deadline. – You won’t be able to quit smoking or drinking if you don’t have a start date in mind. Having a date on the calendar is more than just a reminder of what your goal is. It also helps motivate you to action. Be sure that your start date isn’t too far ahead. The longer you wait to get started, the more reasons you’ll find to push that date off even further.

• Get rid of the source. – Clean your home, car, and other locations of any cigarette packs or cartons, bottles or cans of alcohol. If it’s not in your reach, it’s easier to follow through on your intent to quit. Some experts counsel smokers to get their teeth professionally cleaned as one more motivation to quit. One look at the before and after – clean, white teeth – may be just what you need to ditch smoking for good.

• Join a quit group or find other resources. – It may be useful to join a quit smoking group or go on the Web to find other resources to help you cut down or quit drinking. The fact is that the more support you have, the more likely you’ll be to follow through on your intention to quit. Many hospitals and clinics offer quit-smoking groups. There are also online quit-smoking programs and groups that you can join. Help is available from smoking cessation counselors via text messaging through Smokefree.gov. Also check out the Freedom from Smoking Online (http://www.ffsonline.org/) program and the Quitter in You smoking cessation program, both offered through the American Lung Association. In addition, the American Lung Association has other resources on Getting Help to Quit Smoking.

Start Talking to Your Kids Early

For new parents, or those with young children, it’s important to begin talking to them early about the dangers of smoking and drinking. Experts recommend talking to your children as young as five or six years old and continuing through their high school years. Many children begin smoking and experimenting with alcohol at age 11 – and are addicted by age 14.
Part of your discussion with your kids should include talking about the unpleasant physic aspects of smoking – stained teeth and nails, and bad breath.

You should also make it a point to know if your children have any friends who drink or smoke. Talk with your kids about ways that they can refuse a cigarette or drink that’s offered to them by friends, relatives, or older adults.

If you catch your child smoking or drinking, avoid threats and ultimatums. Those don’t do any good and may even accelerate their bad behavior. Try to ask a few questions to find out why they smoke or drink. It may be that they’re trying to be accepted by a peer group, or they may engage in this behavior as a way to get your attention. Follow up by talking about what kinds of changes can be made in your son or daughter’s life to get them to stop smoking or drinking.

What If Your Kids Already Smoke or Drink?

You might think that the damage is already done, but the truth is that there’s always an opportunity to make changes. Start first with your own behavior, and reinforce what you’re doing with consistent messages to your kids. Tell them that you don’t want them to smoke or drink and create and enforce family rules that do not allow such behavior. Cite statistics about the damage that nicotine and alcohol can do to their bodies and minds.

If your children already smoke or drink, you should point out that it’s quite possible he or she is already addicted – especially to cigarettes. The smoking industry pumps billions of dollars annually in campaigns designed to make smoking seem as attractive and harmless as possible – all the while producing a product that is highly addictive. Ads for beer, wine, and liquor similarly make drinking appear the cool and socially acceptable thing to do. And it’s hardly that. These tactics are manipulative and calculated to entice and hook consumers into using their products. When your kids realize that they are being manipulated, it may make them angry enough to fuel their motivation to quit.

Be prepared for some argument – especially from adolescents and older teens – that you’re the pot calling the kettle black. They may say you’re a hypocrite, that you’ve been drinking and smoking for years. Candor and honesty, as well as diplomacy and love, are necessary to counter such arguments. Yes, you may say, it’s true that you have been engaging in these behaviors for a long time, but you are determined to quit. Tell them that you need their cooperation and support, not only in your own efforts, but also to understand that smoking and drinking are harmful for them as well.

At the very least, make sure your children know that it’s not permitted to smoke in the house. Alcohol consumption, needless to say, is not allowed at any time for minors – but make certain that you say so specifically.

Help for teens to quit smoking is available through the American Lung Association’s Not-On-Tobacco, or N.O.T. website (http://www.notontobacco.com/). N.O.T. is a group program designed to help 14 to 19 year old smokers end their addiction to nicotine. Free telephone counseling for teens is also available through the Lung Helpline at 1-800-548-8252.

If You Need Help for Abuse or Addiction

Maybe your habits are more than just occasional use. If they’ve become abuse or addiction, consider getting professional help. There are several different treatment settings available, including inpatient and outpatient facilities that treat drug and alcohol abuse and addiction. There are also private counselors and various self-help groups. The 12-step Alcoholics Anonymous support group has meeting locations in all 50 states and many foreign countries. There are also online meetings and telephone support meetings. Family members can get help as well through Al-Anon/Alateen.

To find a treatment facility for alcohol or drug abuse, use the Treatment Facility Locator available through the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) or call their toll-free helpline at 1-800-662-HELP.

Start Making Changes Today

While it may definitely not be an easy undertaking to quit smoking or drinking, it is a worthwhile endeavor. More than just for you, making such changes will help you stop the negative influence on your kids. Give yourself kudos for wanting to make a difference. But go beyond just thinking about it and get down to actually doing something about it. The only way to start is to start – and start today.

Download resources, contact a support group, talk with your spouse or partner and others who can help. Create a plan, determine a quit date, and follow through diligently. The good news is that you can clear your lungs over a relatively short time of not smoking (in about 12 months of non-smoking). You can stop the damage to your body caused by drinking alcohol. Best of all, you can set the appropriate example for your children by cutting out these negative behaviors.

Our children are the future. We want the best for them. Sometimes, that means taking some painful but necessary steps to change our own behaviors first. Parents, it all begins with you. Are you up to the task? If you answer yes, you know what you have to do. If you answer maybe, perhaps you need more support to bolster your determination. Whichever applies to you, take the steps you need today.

If You’ve Done Nothing About Getting Over Your Addiction

Think about it. When you’re steeped in your addiction, all you think about is using, when you’re going to use next, how you’ll get the money to buy your drug of choice, then using, recovering from using, and beginning the cycle all over again. Over a period of time, this pattern of self-destructive behavior wreaks havoc on not only you but everyone around you. The people you hurt the most are the ones closest to you – your family.

Although you probably don’t give it much thought, especially if you’re in a drug-induced euphoric state, your loved ones are the last people you should be alienating. They’re the ones to always have your back, to support your hopes and dreams and stand by you in tough times.

When you’re constantly messed up, not thinking clearly, getting into fights and arguments and trouble with the law, losing your job, being evicted, unable to pay the bills or take care of your family responsibilities – what do you think happens to the family? They suffer. And it’s not of their doing. They didn’t force you to drink or do drugs or engage in other addictive behavior. If you are an alcoholic, you may also have other addictions, or even suffer from a mental health disorder.
In short, because of your addiction and your actions, you’ve made it increasingly difficult – if not impossible – for your family members to tolerate the situation. They may have decided it’s best for all concerned to remove you from their lives.
But just because they have taken this course of action doesn’t mean that it’s forever. This may be the wake-up call you need to do something to get them back.

Now, the all-important question: What can you do about it? Here are some suggestions:

• Take stock – Before you can determine where you’ll go from here, you need to take stock of your current situation. How bad is it? Do you still have a job and possibly health insurance coverage? If so, this is very important and can serve you well as you consider your options. If not, you’ll need to explore other alternatives to getting the help you need. And, whether you like it or not, help is definitely what you need. Help, in this respect, is assistance to overcome your addiction.

Taking stock also means looking at how you’re currently living. Do you have shelter? Are you able to buy food? Are you taking medications that are prescribed for you or have you let your physical health deteriorate as a result of your addiction? If you’re on the street, homeless, you’re likely in the full-on addictive state. Your first priority should be to take care of your food and shelter needs, get any necessary medical assistance that may be available to you.

It may not be a pretty picture, but the reality of your situation is something that you have to address – if you want to regain your family and your life.

• Decide what you want – How much do you want your family back? Are you willing to do whatever it takes to have them welcome you back? This is a tough decision for some long-term addicts who are so wedded to their drug of choice that they can’t see past the next fix. You may tell yourself that you like your life as it is, and that you don’t need to change. If that’s really what you believe in your heart, you are deep in denial. Your drug-using lifestyle will continue to drag you downward until the consequences are so dire that you may wind up in jail, in a mental institution, or dead.

When you look at your future, is that what you really want for yourself? It’s true that no one chooses to become an addict, but you do need to choose to overcome your addiction once you are hooked. Make no mistake about it. The decision to overcome addiction is a tough one. It requires courage and determination. It’s more than just willpower. If that was all there is to it, every addict who expressed a desire to get clean would be able to overcome addiction.

But wanting to get clean is a step in the right direction. In fact, if you want to turn your life around and get your family back, it’s the only thing that makes sense for your future.

• Get into treatment – If you’ve taken stock and then decided that you want to change your life, make the effort to find treatment that can help you overcome your addiction. Believe it or not, treatment is available to those who need it – and it doesn’t need to depend on whether or not you have money or can afford it, or even if you have insurance coverage. The truth is that it’s in everyone’s best interest for addicts to receive treatment and learn how to manage their disease. It’s less cost to society in terms of medical care, incarceration, lost productivity, housing subsidies and other economic and non-economic costs. Society, as a whole, benefits when its members are fully productive – or marginally more productive – and capable of being self-sufficient.

But beyond the broad societal benefits of addicts receiving treatment, diving down to the personal level, how it benefits you is what you really care about. Why not give yourself a chance to live life without the yoke of drug addiction? Allow yourself to think about being free of the constant drug-using lifestyle? Then, do something about it.

Finding treatment needn’t be that difficult. Use the Treatment Facility Locator (http://dasis3.samhsa.gov/), maintained by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), or call their toll-free treatment referral helpline at 1-800-662-HELP. Using the search tool on the Internet or talking to consultants via the helpline, you’ll be able to find treatment facilities in your area or get information or referrals to state or local agencies that may be of assistance.
Listings in the Treatment Facility Locator go by state. You can find out:

o Facility name, address, phone numbers (including intake number and toll-free hotlines, if available), map, distance from your location, and website URL (if available)

o Services provided, such as substance abuse treatment, detoxification, buprenorphine services

o Type of care: outpatient, residential short-term treatment (30 days or less), residential long-term treatment (more than 30 days)

o Special programs/groups: persons with co-occurring substance abuse and mental health disorders, persons with HIV/AIDS, gays and lesbians, women, men, adolescents, seniors, criminal justice clients, pregnant/post-partum women, DUI/DWI offenders, etc.

o Forms of payment accepted: self-payment, state-financed insurance (other than Medicaid), Medicaid, private health insurance, military insurance (e.g. VA, TRICARE), etc.

o Payment assistance: if available, sliding-fee scale (with payment based on income and other factors), or payment assistance (check with facility for details)

o Special language services: if available

Once you’ve identified one or more treatment facilities, contact them – or go through federal, state, or local agencies to get things rolling – and get yourself admitted to treatment.

• Stick it out – Prepare for the long haul, with respect to overcoming your addiction and getting into recovery. It won’t happen overnight. You will need to stick it out in treatment, learning about the disease of addiction, how to identify and recognize triggers to using, learning and practicing coping strategies and techniques, and changing your behaviors to ones that are healthier. You will be in recovery the rest of your life, but you can manage your disease and create the kind of future you want.

Once you successfully complete treatment and are in the early stages of recovery, say the first 90 days, expect some good days and days that are not so good. Rely on your support system, the network of allies and your sponsor in your 12-step group (the concept and process you became acquainted with during treatment).

Over time, if you are sincere about your commitment to recovery, your family members may come around. After all, they only wanted the best for you and may be heartened by the turnaround in your life. If they do welcome you back, they will be an invaluable support to your ongoing recovery. If they do not, you can’t internalize the guilt. You’ve done your part – and you will undoubtedly need to make amends, if not in person, then through writing about it or indirect amends. You need to live your new life, clean and sober, and with the new-found hope that you can make your goals and work toward achieving them.

You’ve Already Gone Through Treatment and are in Early Recovery

If you’ve completed treatment for your addiction and are in the early (first 90 days) of recovery, first of all, congratulations. What you have accomplished is a very big deal. You have taken the difficult and scary step of looking your addiction in the face and making the determination that you are not defined by your disease. You have accumulated effective tools and strategies to help you maintain your sobriety, developed a support network in your 12-step group members and sponsor, worked to re-establish yourself in society, gone back to work, and changed your behavior to reflect your healthier lifestyle.
But, as you know, it’s not always easy. There are times when you feel lonely, depressed, anxious, and fearful of making a mistake, of falling into relapse. Sometimes the cravings and urges become overwhelming and you’re afraid you won’t be able to stop yourself from giving in. What should you do when these feelings overcome you? Turn to your support network: Call your sponsor, go to a meeting or meetings (there are meetings all day, every day, even meetings available online and via telephone), or talk with close friends who understand your situation.

Other ways to help yourself in recovery include:

• Take it one day at a time – Who says you need to have everything perfect the day you get out of treatment? That’s not only unrealistic, it’s self-defeating. No one expects that you’ll have all the answers just because you’ve gone through treatment. In fact, treatment just sets the stage for you to be able to put what you’ve learned into practice. Granted it’s a little frightening to be on your own again after being in a structured environment where what you do and when you do it is monitored at all times. Even if you went to outpatient treatment, you had to adhere to certain schedules and rules and recommendations, not to mention urine and other tests to ascertain compliance with abstinence.

Cut yourself a little slack. Give it time for you to settle into your new routine – your daily maintenance schedule of taking proper care of your basic requirements (nutrition, adequate rest), going to 12-step meetings, counseling, keeping any required medical appointments, taking medications as prescribed (if appropriate). Know that it will get easier as time goes on. You will know the times and circumstances that cause you stress, and have more practice in dealing with cravings and urges that surface from time to time.

Never take recovery for granted. Work hard at maintaining your sobriety, but do so in the present. Do for you what’s best for your recovery today. Tomorrow, you will do the same.

• Work on your recovery plan – During treatment, toward the end of your formal or active treatment phase, you learned about relapse prevention. You also began to create your recovery plan. Now that you’re out of treatment and in recovery, you need to continue to work on your recovery plan, refining it, adjusting it, and modifying it as new opportunities and goals present themselves.

What happens in our lives constantly changes. Nothing stays the same forever. You may have an initial goal of maintaining sobriety for a week, then a month, then three months, six months, nine months, and a year.

Along with actively working to sustain your sobriety, you’ll undoubtedly create other goals. You may want to go back to school to start or finish a degree, learn a trade or gain a skill, pursue recreational or leisure activities, widen your social sphere to include new friends that are clean and sober, get a new job or work to advance yourself in your present job. What you will find is that once you reach one goal, what you previously set for yourself as the next step on your recovery plan may have changed. You may now see a new opportunity taking its place, either as a short-term or long-term goal.
Be flexible enough and open to the possibilities so that you can recognize them when they occur. You want to be able to take advantage of the gifts that life presents to you. Now that you’re in recovery, you have the ability to chart your own course and choose the kind of life you want to live.

Work your recovery plan. Do so on a weekly basis, or as often as needed.

• Reconnect with your family – If you haven’t done so already, or if you have tried and been rebuffed, you may wish to take this opportunity to re-establish ties with your family. At first, things may be awkward. Accept that. At least, if they are willing to communicate with you – even on a distant basis (as in, not in person) – it is progress.

On the other hand, it may turn out that they’re still too hurt or unable to forgive you for what happened because of your addiction. Again, you need to accept this. Sometimes it takes longer for family members to come around. Every person’s situation is different. There is no blame or shame attached to any of this. It just is.

What can you do if your family members continue to shun you? First of all, don’t internalize feelings of guilt or remorse. There are some families that will never accept a loved one back for reasons that may no longer even make sense. This doesn’t mean that you are doomed to a life of no caring individuals. It does mean that you will possibly need to create a new circle of loving persons who will, in effect, become your new family. Of course, it goes without saying that you only have one mother and father, or you may not wish to become involved in a new romantic relationship anytime soon. With respect to new potential partners, addiction recovery experts caution that you shouldn’t become involved romantically with new partners for at least the first year. But that doesn’t mean you can’t make new friends. In fact, you need to do this as part of your overall recovery.

Most of all, since your family is important to you, you need to forgive yourself for whatever has happened. Make amends to the extent that you can, even if this means that you do so indirectly. Your 12-step group sponsor and allies can help you with this, since all of them have the same goal of working the steps. They may be of invaluable assistance in this regard, perhaps by relating how they took this step, or what worked for them may be useful to you. You may write out your feelings, ask for forgiveness, and keep the letter (or destroy it). By expressing your thoughts, committing to your changed lifestyle, you are reinforcing that you have overcome your addiction and are managing your recovery in a healthy manner.

This is the best that you can do – until and if your family has a change of heart and softens to the extent that you can again be welcomed back.

Never Give Up

Finally, whether you’ve done nothing about your addiction or are already in recovery, always keep hope alive that your family members will again be supportive. It may take a short time or it may take a very long time, much longer than you think it should or could even plan for.

Instead of obsessing over things that you cannot control, concentrate on living every day to the best of your ability. Keep focused on your goals while actively working your recovery plan, taking care of you and reaching out to give to others as you are able. In the end, the measure of a man or woman is not what has happened to them in the form of tragedy or misfortune or fame or success, but what he or she does with the gifts and opportunities and challenges that life presents.

Founded more than 55 years ago, Al-Anon is designed as a Twelve Step program for adult family members and friends of alcoholics. Alateen is specifically geared toward teens who may be living with an alcoholic in the home or within the family. Meetings are based upon the Twelve Steps and Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, thus providing continuity across chapters. Meetings are held across the globe in 115 countries; today there are more than 24,000 Al-Anon groups and more than 2,300 Alateen groups.
Information shared at meetings remains confidential, but some Al-Anon meetings may be declared “closed,” meaning available only to those who are currently impacted by a family member of friend’s excessive drinking who have already joined the group. An “open” meeting is open to any member of the public who desires to attend. For teens, however, Alateen meetings are always closed, run by members of the group and conducted under the guidance of Alateen Group Sponsors. There are no dues or meetings fees.

More than one-third of Al-Anon group members are referred to the resource by a professional, and there are guidelines to follow when considering sending a patient, friend or family member to an Al-Anon or Alateen meeting. The principal guideline is that the person’s life has been impacted by someone else’s drinking.
Second, the drinker is considered dependent upon the alcohol or another substance. At Al-Anon or Alateen meetings, only the Twelve Step principles will be used to discuss members’ experiences. Only the consequences of living with or interacting with an alcoholic will be shared and discussed. For example, if an attendee is also concerned about a friend or family member’s use of drugs, they can contact a group member after the meeting to discuss this situation in detail.
Newcomers are also welcome to attend Al-Anon and Alateen meetings, especially if they aren’t sure how their lives are being affected by a friend or family member’s use of alcohol. Organizers say a visitor should attend at least six meetings as they try to determine whether the group will be helpful, and to try other local groups until they find one that is a good fit. It may be helpful for potential newcomers to know that members strive to suspend judgments and create an open, supportive environment. In addition, by attending a group, a newcomer may be contributing to the success of someone else in their struggle of living with an alcoholic.
The stresses of living with someone suffering from alcoholism contribute to its label as a “family” disease, because alcoholism affects everyone in the household. Even if the addict doesn’t attend support meetings of their own for alcoholics, the Al-Anon and Alateen support groups, called fellowships, are a valuable resource to those living with the alcoholic. They remain a network designed to supply hope to family and friends.

More information can be found at www.al-anon.alateen.org.
 

Recognition of the Problem is the First Step

Someone has to take the lead and recognize that addiction is claiming the lives of everyone in the family. What may have started out with the kids sneaking a few drinks on a regular basis after seeing the parents drunk and/or stoned daily now takes on dire proportions as no one seems to be able to function in a normal fashion. What are the warning signs that there’s something really wrong in your family? Here are some things that should send up red flags:

• Loss of a job: When someone in the family, especially the breadwinner, loses his or her job, there’s usually a good reason for it. We’re not talking about corporate downsizing here, but the kind of a job loss that results from the employee missing too many days from work, being sloppy or unproductive while on the job, engaging in corporate malfeasance or getting caught stealing from the employer, showing up drunk or stoned, and other indications that alcohol, drugs, or other addictive behavior has claimed too much of the person’s life. The same thing applies to children who may have part-time, after-school jobs, a spouse who may have a job in addition to caring for the children, siblings or grandparents. In short, anyone who lives within the family unit that loses a job – or can’t keep a job that they have – as a result of an addiction is cause for alarm. You might think that your own addiction has nothing to do with your son or daughter’s job performance, but you’d be wrong. It’s all tied up in an intricate knot of family dysfunction.

• Money shortages: Budgets are tight for everyone these days, and families really have to stretch their dollars just to get by. But when what little funds are available start to diminish rapidly, it’s time to pay attention. What’s causing the shortage? Is the cookie jar or your bedroom hiding place for rainy day funds being constantly raided? Is your son or daughter asking for money every day for this reason or that and for nothing tangible that you can see? Is the family checking and savings account being drained? Are there unexpected and frequent cash advances showing up on your credit cards? If so, someone obviously has a need for quick cash – and it may be to finance an alcohol, drug, gambling or other addictive habit.

• Foreclosure and bankruptcy: When you can’t pay your bills and there’s no more credit available, sooner or later you may be in the position of facing the worst of all possible fates that can disrupt your family: You may fall into foreclosure or have to declare bankruptcy. This can really send a family into a tailspin, all the more so if all the family members are addicted to substances, behaviors, and/or have a co-occurring substance abuse and mental health disorder. Of course, not every family that undergoes foreclosure or bankruptcy is filled with addicts, but it is a warning sign and does occur often enough that it should be cause for alarm. By the time foreclosure and bankruptcy occur, however, it’s usually late in the game. That doesn’t mean that you can’t do something to try to overcome the downward family spiral, but it does mean that you’ll probably have to endure some financial hardship for quite some time.

• Lack of care over personal appearance: If you notice that your spouse, child, or other family member starts to look disheveled, takes little care over his or her appearance, has sores that are constantly being picked at, yellow or pale skin, bloodshot or glassy eyes, bad teeth, smells of alcohol, ignores personal cleanliness – this is a clear sign that there’s something either physically and/or mentally wrong. As drug or alcohol abuse takes over, affected individuals think only about getting and using again.

• Violence and frequent arguments: When everyone is uptight, it’s hard to have a normal family conversation – over dinner, watching TV, going to the store, being with friends or other family members. Compound normal everyday stress and tensions with drug, alcohol use and abuse or other addictive behaviors (eating disorders, compulsive spending, compulsive gambling, compulsive sex, overwork, etc.) and you have a recipe for frequent arguments and explosive tensions that may erupt in physical violence. Have you or another family member had to leave the house because another family member became verbally or physically abusive after drinking or doing drugs (or that you suspect of doing so)? Once tempers flare to this extent, there’s no putting the genie back in the bottle. Outside intervention and counseling is the only way to restore homeostasis in the home. Be very alert to signs that family members are unable to deal with everyday issues and become hotheaded and argumentative without provocation.

What Can Be Done

After recognition that there is a problem, the next step is trying to figure out what to do about it. Usually this is the role that the more nurturing family member assumes, but it could be anyone in the family that steps up to tackle the issue of family addiction. Generally speaking, you’ll want to address the most serious addiction first. If one or both parents are constantly drunk or stoned, it may be an older child who tries to get help from another family member, school counselor, member of the clergy, or parents of a trusted friend.

It may be that your spouse is a falling down drunk whose lost several jobs, burned through your savings, has resorted to slapping you and the kids around when he’s on a bender, or has piled up a mountain of legal bills, has gotten arrested, or other negative consequences arising out of his addiction. You’ve tried to ignore the situation, thinking it will all blow over, and in the meantime have taken to popping some prescription tranquilizers or sedatives or pain pills in addition to a drink or two. It all made things a bit fuzzy, but at least it was tolerable. Now, however, you see that your teenage children are staying out to all hours, are failing in school, have gotten in trouble with the law, and may be painfully thin or physically ill. You decide enough is enough. It’s time to get help. The question is: Where do you start?

While it may be a painful realization, the fact is that you may need to have an intervention. A professional intervention is conducted by an intervention specialist, someone who’s trained in conducting the process to get an addict to the point where he or she admits the addiction and agrees to go into treatment. The point is that you need to get the most problematic addict into treatment first, and then seek treatment for yourself and the other family members.

It is possible that you can have a discussion with your spouse, if this is the most problematic addict in the family (the one with the most serious and pressing problems). Perhaps he or she will agree that treatment is necessary and promise to go. But don’t count on it. Denial is a huge part of addiction. And the stronger the addiction, the greater the denial will be. You may also hear a lot of ranting and raving, comments that the drinking and drugs are all under control, everything’s fine. Maybe your spouse will promise to quit. That’s another common tactic, and it always falls flat. The truth is that as soon as you quit harping on the subject, or go out of the room, or the next day, your spouse will be right back drinking and doing drugs again – and, likely as not, you’ll revert to your coping mechanism of popping pills and pretending everything is okay.

So, if the discussion fails to bring about agreement to go into treatment, what then? Now you really do need to get serious. It’s time to investigate the kinds of treatment facilities that are available in your area. That’s the first step. Where do you find them? The best place to start is the Treatment Facility Locator (http://dasis3.samhsa.gov/) maintained by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). Do a quick search by state to find the treatment facilities in your area. You can also do a detailed search (put in city and state), and a list of treatment facilities will be generated. You can also call their toll-free 24-hour referral helpline at 1-800-662-HELP.

There’s also the Mental Health Services Locator (http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/databases/) for comprehensive information about mental health services and resources. Like the Treatment Facility Locator, it’s easy to access these services and resources. Select a state or use the drop-down menu. You can also call their toll-free number at 1-800-789-2647, Monday through Friday, 8:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m., EST.

Don’t Let Money Problems Stand in the Way of Treatment

Many people fail to get treatment because they feel they can’t afford it. Either they don’t have insurance, or their insurance doesn’t cover it, or they just don’t have the money. This is never a good reason. There are facilities that provide treatment on a sliding fee scale or offer payment assistance. This is the reason you should start with the SAMHSA treatment facility locator. Not only can you find all the treatment facilities available across the country, but you can customize your search to look for those facilities that can work with you on payment. Use Detailed Search or List Search and check the boxes for “sliding fee scale” and “payment assistance.” Then call the facilities directly to inquire about their policies.

Finding Facilities that Treat Particular Addictions

Most of the treatment facilities listed in the Treatment Facility Locator are capable of treating any substance abuse problem. So, whether the addiction is to alcohol, cocaine, heroin, inhalants, hallucinogens, prescription drugs used nonmedically, etc., most of the facilities can treat the addiction. Facilities that offer methadone generally have a treatment program for heroin addiction. In the case of multiple addictions, and co-occurring disorder (substance abuse and mental health disorder), or just to be sure, contact the treatment facility directly to inquire.

If you need a buprenorphine physician and treatment facility (for the treatment of opioid addiction), go to SAMHSA’s Buprenorphine Physician and Treatment Facility Locator (http://buprenorphine.samhsa.gov/bwns_locator/). It’s important to understand that the maximum number of patients a physician may treat with buprenorphine is limited by law. This may mean that the physician you contact may not be accepting new patients at this time. If this happens, try another physician on the list or another treatment facility. And, since the list is updated weekly, you can always check back later.

What About Court-Ordered Clients?

If one of your family members has been ordered by the court to enter a drug or alcohol treatment program, your first step should be to contact your State Substance Abuse Agency (http://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/ufds/abusedirectors) or local criminal justice system.

You can also contact the facilities in your area directly to inquire whether they take court-ordered clients.

Treating the Rest of the Family

After you get help for one of your family members, don’t stop there. Addiction treatment professionals say that other family members need treatment as well. And that holds true even if those family members don’t themselves have some form of addiction or dependence to alcohol, drugs, or other addictive behavior.

Talk with the people at the treatment facility where your family member is getting treatment. They most likely have a family treatment component that can give you some valuable counseling and insight into the nature of addiction, developing healthy coping mechanisms, and improving communication within the family. But you may need more in order to overcome your own or other family member’s addictions or dependence. It’s still a good place to start. The treatment facility can probably recommend other programs or agencies (federal, state, or community) that can help you and your family members receive treatment concurrently.

There are also 12-step meetings that you need to consider. The 12-step fellowship concept is really about addicts helping other addicts stay clean and sober. There are 12-step groups for every kind of addiction, all based more or less on the philosophy of Alcoholics Anonymous, the first such organization. These fellowships include Narcotics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, Methamphetamine Anonymous, Marijuana Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Debtors Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, and so on. There is no cost to join and there are no dues. The only requirement to membership is a genuine commitment to staying clean and sober and to helping others in their goal of sobriety. Think of 12-step groups as a no-cost and very valuable support network of your peers. Another point to consider is that 12-step group attendance will be required for your family member who’s in treatment. Many treatment facilities include 12-step group meetings during treatment itself, to get the individual familiar with the set-up and routine. Attendance at 12-step meetings following conclusion of treatment is also required – at least for the first year.

If you can’t find or can’t afford a separate treatment facility for you or other family members (in addition to the family member in treatment), another suggestion is to consider attending 12-step meetings on your own.

There are also affiliated 12-step groups for family and loved ones of the addict. These include Al-Anon/Alateen (affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous), Nar-Anon (affiliated with Narcotics Anonymous), Gam-Anon (affiliated with Gamblers Anonymous), and so on. How you find these 12-step groups is simple. Do a Google or Bing search for the main 12-step organization. Then search their website or call their information number and ask about their affiliate groups. Once you find the affiliate group website, you can do a search for meetings in your area. Be aware that, in addition to on-site meetings, most 12-step groups offer meetings online and via teleconference. There’s really a meeting available almost anytime you or your family members need it.

Healing Takes Time

Finally, don’t be discouraged by the magnitude of family addiction – where everyone in the family is addicted. Healing takes time, and there’s no set-in-stone or one-size-fits-all treatment timetable or plan that works for everyone. Understand that there will be good days and days that are not so good. Sometimes one family member will have a lot of issues they’re dealing with and this can cause temporary communication difficulties. Work with your counselor. Get outside help. Develop a strong and reliable support network – including your 12-step group members. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. And be patient.

Look at it this way. Your goal is to reunite the family and to live in a healthier, clean-and-sober lifestyle. The journey may be rocky at times, but the vision that you hold for your family is clear. In the end, it really is all in the family. When everyone is addicted, you need to get the healing started. There’s no time like right now.

Don’t Give Up

Burdened by overwhelming troubles (financial, legal, social, and familial), you may feel so crushed that you believe there’s nothing that can be done. That’s the first trap, but don’t allow yourself to fall into it. The fact of the matter is that the reason you think you cannot leave is that you’ve allowed yourself to be controlled by another – in this case, it’s your addicted partner/spouse. Other cases involve children controlled by addictive parents, but that is another situation entirely. Here, we’re concentrating on what you can do about your situation, which may involve children.

You have to believe that there is help for you so that if not now, somewhere along the line, you will be able to leave, and do so safely. At this point, don’t consume yourself with worry that you don’t have the answers or you can’t figure out how all this will happen. Just don’t give up. If you do that, the abuser addict will win.

What you can do is begin to prepare yourself to leave by taking incremental small steps. This is the first step in your own road to recovery.

Importance of Support

Typically, the spouse of an addict has suffered a loss of self-esteem and self-confidence. While addicts themselves have this condition, so do spouses and other family members. The longer addiction has been present, as well as the extent of the disease, type of addiction or addictions, and other circumstances, the more severe the situation may become.

In general, spouses of abuser addicts have few or no friends or family members left with whom to confide. The addict has subtly encouraged or demanded that the spouse give up all outside relationships. “I want to spend all my time with you” or “I don’t want to share you with anyone else” are phrases you may have heard. Over the years, what few relationships you may have had have dwindled, to the point where you now have none.

The reason the addict does this is to exercise complete control over you. He or she wants to be the only one in your life so that you are completely dependent – and subject to his or her control. The fact that you’ve given in to these demands is another indication of your own loss of self-confidence and self-esteem. You have, in effect, enabled the addiction by perpetuating a climate of unhealthy involvement in your partner’s addiction.

It’s important that you begin to rebuild your support network. Don’t think that this is impossible. It isn’t. But it does take time. Slowly get in touch with good friends from your past. You may be able to track some down via the Internet – use the public library if you want to keep your efforts from your addicted spouse. Use public telephones if necessary, instead of your home or cell phone. Again, this will help you keep your activity away from prying eyes.

If your relationship with family members has become strained or fractured because of your partner’s addiction and controlling behavior, work on mending this first. Your family will be your most logical means of support. After all, family comes before everything else – for most people in our society.

Next, make a concerted effort to find new friends. You can do this gradually, so don’t think that you have to rush out and find someone right away. Maybe it’s a neighbor that has tried in the past to lend a hand of friendship, or one that you believe can prove to be an ally. Perhaps it’s someone you meet regularly at your child’s school programs or sporting events, or a doctor, nurse or member of the clergy with whom you occasionally connect.

Why do you need to build up your support network? You will need resources and allies for the time when you will be able to leave. Even if you ultimately make the decision to stay where you are – perhaps because of children, or finances, or other reasons – you will still need the support of others whom you trust to get you through the tough times ahead.

Support Outside of Friends

Beyond friends and family, you need other support from independent agencies and individuals. This is important because your friends and family may not be as objective concerning your personal situation. In addition, independent support can provide you with resources that your friends and family either don’t know about or don’t have access to.

Look in the phone book or on the Internet (again, use the computers at the public library or at a friend or family member’s house to keep your search activities hidden from your spouse) for support organizations that may be available in your area. These include:

• Support groups, such as 12-step groups for those whose lives are affected by someone else’s addiction: Al-Anon/Alateen, Co-Anon Family Groups, Nar-Anon Family Groups, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Co-Dependents Anonymous World Fellowship, COSA (Co-Dependents of Sexual Addicts), Gam-Anon, and S-Anon International Family Groups.

• Shelters, such as a local battered women’s shelter, or shelter for victims of domestic violence. You can also call the police department, YWCA, or local family court and ask for a referral to a local shelter. May of these shelters provide an array of services which include 24-hour emergency shelter, individual and legal advocacy, support groups, information and referrals, and community education.

• Counselors – If your spouse or partner is already in treatment for his or her addiction, if family counseling is part of the program, take advantage of it. Similarly, couples counseling, if available, may prove helpful.

• Volunteer and social workers – Among the many avenues of support, volunteer and social workers may be able to help you get additional assistance.

• Call Centers – Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE to inquire about services in your area.
Report Any Violence

If your spouse or partner physically abuses you, when you can safely do so, you need to report it to the police. Be sure to write down everything that happened and keep this documentation safe. Tell the authorities you are keeping a log of every incident that occurs. Don’t think that the violence is a one-time event. Statistics show that when a partner/spouse resorts to physical violence, despite vehement claims that it won’t happen again, it does. And it usually gets worse.

Be Prepared

Although you believe you can’t leave now, you need to be prepared for the time when you can safely do so. There are steps you can take now to ensure that you will be ready.

• Pack a bag – You will need some things when you do leave, at least clothing and money to tide you over for a few days. Pack these things and keep the bag in a safe place. If you feel taking a bag out would be too noticeable, then take a sweater, coat, wear extra undergarments, etc., and gradually get together what you need. Don’t forget to include any legal documents you may need, including passport and birth certificate. Other items to pack include medications and prescriptions, insurance information, extra money, credit cards and/or ATM cards, extra set of keys, phone numbers and addresses for your family, friends, doctors, lawyers and community agencies or counselors. You may be able to arrange to keep this bag (or the items you begin to accumulate) with a trusted friend or at a family member’s home. Or, store it in a safety deposit box that someone else opens for you.

• Save money – You should begin to save money, if you can. This can be a few dollars, even one or two at a time. It will add up if you do this regularly. One suggestion is to use coupons at the grocery store and give them to the cashier after your order has been rung up. They will give you the money in cash. You can also return items you have purchased, unused, with the store receipt, and keep the refunded amount. Be sure it’s something that won’t be noticed by your spouse/partner. Keep the money you accumulate someplace safe and where no one (including family members who may rat you out) can jeopardize it. Make sure this money is easily accessible to you when you need it. This may often be in the middle of the night, so factor that into where you hide it. Do not keep it around the house. It’s also not wise to open a separate bank account, since statements will give you away, unless you have them mailed to a trusted friend or family member’s home. Again, use caution in who you trust.

• Get legal advice – This is especially important if there are children involved. You don’t want to just pick up and leave with the children. Contact an attorney to find out how to go about this the right way. Some attorneys offer free legal advice one afternoon a week, so do your homework and find one that can help you.

How to Be Safe if You Stay

In the meantime, if you plan to stay with your abuser or addict spouse or partner, keep the following in mind.

• Know what will work best for you to keep you safe in an emergency. This may include how to react or what to say or do if you are threatened or in an intolerable situation with your spouse or partner. Do not antagonize the individual, especially if he or she is intoxicated, high or emotionally unstable due to his or her addiction. Remain calm – as calm as you can be under the circumstances. Rehearse a few responses that you think will not produce a violent outburst from your spouse or partner. Your reaction should include leaving the room as quickly as you can to remove yourself from the potential of violence – but only when you can do so safely.

• Know who you can call when there is a crisis. You can’t do this on your own. You will need help from an ally – a trusted friend or family member. This is a necessary preparation even though you are staying with your abusive or addicted spouse or partner. You never know when the situation could become dangerous – to you and your children. You need to have a clear idea of who to call when the time comes. You may need transportation in the middle of the night to a safe haven, for example.

• Decide how you would call the police in the event of an incident of violence. Experts counseling victims of domestic abuse recommend working out in advance signals you may be able to give your children, or neighbors, to call the police if you are not able to. If you’ve been taking the violence or abuse, decide that you will call the police the next time it occurs – and do so. Remember, it won’t stop if you don’t do something about it.

• The time may come when you absolutely have to leave – even if it’s only for a short period of time. Decide in advance where you will go. What is most viable for you? Discuss your plans ahead of time with your trusted friends or family members so that if the time comes when you have to do it, you already have a plan.

• Domestic violence counselors also recommend that you have your escape route planned out in advance as well. Don’t use familiar avenues of escape. Don’t go directly to your parents’ home, for example, if your spouse/partner has already threatened to kill your family if they help you.

How to be Safe at Your Workplace

Don’t forget being safe at your workplace. Recommendations here include:

• Save all threatening voice mails or emails. These may be used as evidence in court if you decide to take legal action in the future.

• Talk with your supervisor and consider having your work station moved to a more secure location in the office.

• Ask security to escort you to and from your car.

• Review safety arrangements for your children, for daycare or transportation to/from school while you are at work.

• If violence has occurred in the past, make sure security and/or receptionist has a photograph of your addict or abusive spouse
or partner.

Pick the Right Time to Leave

Getting prepared, working out your escape route in advance, knowing where you’ll stay, and having adequate support to help you out will all help you solidify your decision. While you may not be ready to leave now, you should do everything you can so that you will be able to leave when the time is right.

Knowing when the right time is may be one of your most difficult decisions. After all, you have invested a great deal of time in this relationship. While you have stayed for many reasons, not the least of which is the marriage or time commitment you’ve made to the relationship, any children present in the family, financial situation or other circumstances, ultimately you may need to leave for the best interests of all concerned. Be sure to pick the right time to do so, one that you believe offers you the best assurance of safety and comfort.

With counseling and guidance from your support allies, you will be able to do this. Your life doesn’t have to be one of endless suffering (emotional and physical) at the hands of your abusive and/or addictive spouse or partner. And, leaving doesn’t have to be forever. If your partner or spouse agrees to get treatment and successfully completes it, the relationship may be mended and you may return home at some point.

Whatever you decide, take responsibility for your own well-being, as well as that of your children. Don’t just take the abuse. Do something constructive and proactive about it. The best defense is a good offense. Be prepared, be ready, and act quickly when the time comes to do so.

Research has shown that perpetrators of domestic violence are frequently under the influence of alcohol or other drugs during an episode of violence. In fact, regular alcohol use is considered to be one of the high risk factors in determining the potential for an incident of partner violence. Additionally, an incident of violence in which the perpetrator is abusing alcohol frequently results in more severe violence and greater harm to the victim. The US Department of Justice found in a 1994 study that more than half of the lethal incidents of domestic violence involved alcohol use by the perpetrator during the homicide.  Other studies have even shown an overall increase in rates of violence in the community when there is a higher density of stores selling alcohol.

Many men who receive services to prevent battering are also referred to concurrent treatment for substance use disorders. It is estimated that over 60% of all batterers also have substance use disorders. This dual problem can greatly complicate effective treatment for domestic violence. Frequently men who victimize their intimate partners will blame their own intoxication for their violent behavior. They may also blame their partners for causing them to use substances. This perpetuates a lack of responsibility on the batterers’ part for both the violence and substance use. Consequently, denial continues for both the violence and substance problems decreasing the likelihood of stopping either.

Victims of domestic violence who also use substances often remain in violent relationships. The progressive nature of intimate partner violence increases these women’s chances of being battered more frequently and more severely the longer they stay. Batterers who live with women who use substances often justify their violence as a way to cope with the woman’s out-of-control behavior. In such situations the cycle of violence also cannot be successfully addressed because the batterer will not assume responsibility for his violence. Additionally, the risk for domestic violence increases when both partners are abusing substances.

Substance use is also significantly correlated with other forms of family violence such as the physical and sexual abuse of children. Children in homes where parents use substances are especially vulnerable to being abused, neglected and not protected. These children are vulnerable to abuse and neglect by parents as well as abuse by individuals outside the home. Consequently, they have a greater incidence of physical, sexual and emotional abuse than in families with sober parents. The majority of child abuse cases are associated with the use of substances.

Family violence is also correlated with future substance use. For example, women who abuse alcohol report a greater incident of childhood physical and sexual abuse than women who do not abuse alcohol. The majority of women in substance abuse treatment programs — including addiction to substances other than alcohol — report some form of abuse in childhood

Assess the Situation

First you need to know how bad the situation is that you have to deal with. Is your loved one newly addicted, or has he or she been a long-time abuser of alcohol, drugs or other addictive substances and behavior? Has he or she ever sought treatment for the addition? How successful was it? Have there been relapses following treatment? Does your loved one attend 12-step support groups on a regular basis? Are you starting with scratch with a loved one who refuses to accept that he or she has a problem at all, let alone seek help for it?

How you answer this will prepare you for the steps you need to take – not only to keep your own sanity, but also to offer encouragement and support (compassion) for your loved one.

Examine your Relationship

Next, what is your relationship with the addict? Are you the spouse, partner or significant other? Are you the parent, sibling, child or other relative? Are you a very close friend? The more intimate the relationship, and the closer in proximity you live with the addict, the more difficult it is to be able to separate yourself from the turmoil that naturally surrounds addicts and those closest to them.

Many families are torn apart by the stresses and strains of addiction. It happens all the time. That doesn’t make it any easier when you’re the one right in the middle of it, however. You need to keep your wits about you. It’s almost as if you have to hold yourself a bit detached in order to show the right amount of compassion without being steamrolled by the addict’s demands and wild mood swings.

What about Money?

Who controls the finances in your family? If it’s you, then you have more control over the situation. If it’s the addict, then you will need additional help to be able to keep your composure, especially when funds disappear to finance the habit.
Let’s say that you are the spouse of the addict, but your husband controls the money. During a time that your husband is sober, you could have a discussion about having separate checking accounts, so that you don’t always have to come to him for spending money to buy things for the house or the children or for entertainment or gifts. You might also offer to take over the bill-paying responsibilities, since this is often very challenging and stressful. Avoid being argumentative or confrontational. When it comes to money, everyone is more than a little touchy. It’s a territorial thing for some or a sign of control for others, being able to provide for the family for the breadwinner – or just personal preference. Some people are better at handling finances than others. If you are one of those individuals, you might comment how you’re always able to get the best bargains, can really stretch a dollar, or are a whiz at budgeting. Construct your argument carefully, so that you can be convincing without being a nag.

Money to pay for addiction treatment is also often very hard to come by. Do some research into sliding-scale or pay-as-you-go treatment options that may be available. There are also scholarships and grants that may be able to cover most, or all, of your loved one’s treatment program. When you look into the various possibilities, make sure to check out hospital outpatient and inpatient treatment facilities, residential treatment centers, and intensive outpatient seminars. How does this help you show compassion for your loved one? If you’re able to put together a treatment proposal that you can afford, and one that will provide the help your loved one needs, that’s showing love and compassion. It’s also a very proactive thing that you can do.

Tend to Your Own Well-Being

Before you can relate to your loved one’s addiction in the most compassionate manner, you have to first take care of your own well-being. This includes your physical well-being as well as your emotional and psychological well-being. If you’re run down, stressed-out, burned-out, unable to sleep, not eating properly, how can you expect to be anything but short-tempered, irrational, angry, bitter, confrontational or weepy? Obviously, you can’t.

The solution is to prioritize your own needs. They need to come before those of your loved one. No, this isn’t selfish. You have to take care of yourself before you can truly be compassionate and understanding of your loved one’s addiction.

It isn’t easy to get adequate sleep, however, if your addicted loved one is up ranting and raving, throwing things around, playing music, TV or entertaining others into the wee hours. Wear earplugs, eye masks, play soothing music in earphones. Take a relaxing hot bath, or get a massage. Do what it takes to ensure that you get a good 7-8 hours of restful sleep each night. Also, make it a practice to go to bed at the same time each night and rise at the same hour each morning. This establishes a natural sleep rhythm and schedule that your body will become accustomed to.

Nutrition is another vital element in tending to your own well-being. Prepare and serve nutritious meals, rich in whole grains, fiber, fresh fruits and vegetables, and plenty of protein. Watch out for excessive sugar intake or refined carbohydrates. These are especially bad for alcoholics and diabetics. Remember, while you are taking care of yourself with your meal planning, you’re also contributing to the nutrition needs of your addicted loved one. This is another way of showing compassion.

Take Time to Get Away

Sometimes there’s nothing you can do about a situation that occurs. An argument erupts, or you face a mountain of unpaid and overdue bills, or you just found out about another incident involving your addicted loved one that puts your family in jeopardy. When you can safely leave, without causing further disruption, get out of the house for a few hours.

It doesn’t have to be expensive, either. Go see a movie or visit friends. Take a walk in the park or go to the shopping mall. Run errands or take care of needed appointments. Get a massage or have your hair or nails attended to. Take a drive in the car.
The point is that you carve out some time for yourself that’s not in any way involved in your loved one’s addiction. In fact, it’s a good idea to have a regular time that you can devote to yourself. This could be a weekly outing you do with your friends or a trip to the library or bookstore, or a recreational activity you do alone or with others.

When you return from your time away, even if it’s a brief trip out of the house, your mind will be clearer. You will be less stressed and better able to deal with whatever the situation is at home. What may have been too complicated to figure out before may be easier to unravel or sort out now that you’re more relaxed.

Remember, everyone needs time to themselves. When you’re dealing with an addicted loved one, you need to make sure that you have adequate time to relax and rejuvenate.

Seek Help for You

No one has all the answers. Not self-help book authors, not friends, family, not talk-show psychologists – not any single individual. But there is certainly strength in numbers. What do we mean by that? There are 12-step support groups for the loved ones of addicts. These are fellowships of men and women whose lives have been affected by someone else’s addiction. These people come together for the sole purpose of helping each other (and themselves) heal from the stresses and turmoil caused by their loved one’s addiction.

There’s no stigma attached to seeking encouragement and support from 12-step groups. There are groups for loved ones of addicts in almost every addiction: alcoholism, cocaine, narcotics, prescription drugs, sexual compulsion, gambling, and so on. There are no membership dues, and no costs, although contributions are welcomed. Most of these fellowship organizations for loved ones of addicts have in-person meetings in many cities and towns, and even international locations. Many offer telephone and/or Internet meetings, chat rooms and blogs. Most have comprehensive websites where you can learn about the organization, read articles, download literature, and find appropriate books, CDs and DVDs on the various topics pertinent to living with an addicted loved one.

How can a 12-step group help you? Sometimes the best thing is just having someone to listen to what you need to say. Or, if you prefer to say nothing at all for a while, listen to the stories that others relate. You may find their situation is similar to yours or that a solution that worked for them is something that you can adapt and try out. After all, these are people who are living with addicts. They know what it’s like, the kinds of problems you experience, the anguish and uncertainty and despair that often seem almost insurmountable. They can help – with a few kind words, an understanding ear, potential solutions. The groups also often have seminars on job skills, how to cope with emotional burdens, getting your finances in order, how to help the addict without being overbearing, and any number of other topics.

What if Your Loved One Refuses Treatment?

Whether or not your loved one is ready for, or is able to admit that he or she needs, treatment, you can still prepare yourself by being ready with all the available information. At some point in the addict’s life, he or she may be willing to come to grips with the problem. This is the point where you want to be ready.

You may also want to look into an intervention. This is often successful in encouraging an addict to admit that he or she has a problem and to commit to getting treatment. Interventions are staged using professional interventionists, and include family, close friends and/or co-workers who rehearse ahead of time what will happen, what they will say, and do during the intervention. The goal of the intervention is to have the addict leave with the interventionist and go immediately into treatment. You can find out about interventions by checking into the services available through addiction treatment centers. If they don’t have an interventionist, they should be able to recommend one. The key is to have all the arrangements for treatment made before you attempt an intervention. It won’t work if you don’t.

Maybe an intervention isn’t something you want to tackle yet, for whatever reason. You may wish to get brochures about the 12-step groups for the addicts, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, and others, and have them available to show to your addicted loved one. Many of these are downloadable from the websites of the organizations. You can also order many pamphlets (some of which are downloadable as well), books and other resource material that may prove helpful.

If your addicted loved one refuses treatment and won’t hear of going to a 12-step group, perhaps a trusted friend, doctor or member of the clergy can talk with him or her. If not, don’t despair. At some point, when he or she is ready, know that treatment and counseling are available. You can work it out.

Perhaps, when all is said and done, you are unable to remain in the relationship. If you do decide to leave, do so with all the grace and compassion you can muster. It may turn out that you are no longer compatible, or that the relationship has suffered irreconcilable fracture. But this still doesn’t mean that you can’t show compassion, love and understanding. If you do decide to remain with your addicted loved one, or to allow siblings or children who are addicts to remain in the home, tending to your own needs, being prepared, taking time for yourself, and learning as much as you can about the addiction will serve you well in your goal of showing compassion – without being a doormat.

Will it be easy? No. Will it be successful? Maybe. Will you be able to have a happy and satisfying life despite your loved one’s addiction? That’s very much up to you. How well you are able to navigate the situation and take appropriate measures – as well as your own personal desire and commitment to find the best outcome – may very well be the deciding factors. Don’t go it alone. Seek help and support from others. Learn from what worked for those in situations similar to yours and adapt what seems to work best. Above all, remain positive. What you envision for your future has a very good likelihood of becoming reality.