Founded more than 55 years ago, Al-Anon is designed as a Twelve Step program for adult family members and friends of alcoholics. Alateen is specifically geared toward teens who may be living with an alcoholic in the home or within the family. Meetings are based upon the Twelve Steps and Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, thus providing continuity across chapters. Meetings are held across the globe in 115 countries; today there are more than 24,000 Al-Anon groups and more than 2,300 Alateen groups.
Information shared at meetings remains confidential, but some Al-Anon meetings may be declared “closed,” meaning available only to those who are currently impacted by a family member of friend’s excessive drinking who have already joined the group. An “open” meeting is open to any member of the public who desires to attend. For teens, however, Alateen meetings are always closed, run by members of the group and conducted under the guidance of Alateen Group Sponsors. There are no dues or meetings fees.

More than one-third of Al-Anon group members are referred to the resource by a professional, and there are guidelines to follow when considering sending a patient, friend or family member to an Al-Anon or Alateen meeting. The principal guideline is that the person’s life has been impacted by someone else’s drinking.
Second, the drinker is considered dependent upon the alcohol or another substance. At Al-Anon or Alateen meetings, only the Twelve Step principles will be used to discuss members’ experiences. Only the consequences of living with or interacting with an alcoholic will be shared and discussed. For example, if an attendee is also concerned about a friend or family member’s use of drugs, they can contact a group member after the meeting to discuss this situation in detail.
Newcomers are also welcome to attend Al-Anon and Alateen meetings, especially if they aren’t sure how their lives are being affected by a friend or family member’s use of alcohol. Organizers say a visitor should attend at least six meetings as they try to determine whether the group will be helpful, and to try other local groups until they find one that is a good fit. It may be helpful for potential newcomers to know that members strive to suspend judgments and create an open, supportive environment. In addition, by attending a group, a newcomer may be contributing to the success of someone else in their struggle of living with an alcoholic.
The stresses of living with someone suffering from alcoholism contribute to its label as a “family” disease, because alcoholism affects everyone in the household. Even if the addict doesn’t attend support meetings of their own for alcoholics, the Al-Anon and Alateen support groups, called fellowships, are a valuable resource to those living with the alcoholic. They remain a network designed to supply hope to family and friends.

More information can be found at www.al-anon.alateen.org.
 

Recognition of the Problem is the First Step

Someone has to take the lead and recognize that addiction is claiming the lives of everyone in the family. What may have started out with the kids sneaking a few drinks on a regular basis after seeing the parents drunk and/or stoned daily now takes on dire proportions as no one seems to be able to function in a normal fashion. What are the warning signs that there’s something really wrong in your family? Here are some things that should send up red flags:

• Loss of a job: When someone in the family, especially the breadwinner, loses his or her job, there’s usually a good reason for it. We’re not talking about corporate downsizing here, but the kind of a job loss that results from the employee missing too many days from work, being sloppy or unproductive while on the job, engaging in corporate malfeasance or getting caught stealing from the employer, showing up drunk or stoned, and other indications that alcohol, drugs, or other addictive behavior has claimed too much of the person’s life. The same thing applies to children who may have part-time, after-school jobs, a spouse who may have a job in addition to caring for the children, siblings or grandparents. In short, anyone who lives within the family unit that loses a job – or can’t keep a job that they have – as a result of an addiction is cause for alarm. You might think that your own addiction has nothing to do with your son or daughter’s job performance, but you’d be wrong. It’s all tied up in an intricate knot of family dysfunction.

• Money shortages: Budgets are tight for everyone these days, and families really have to stretch their dollars just to get by. But when what little funds are available start to diminish rapidly, it’s time to pay attention. What’s causing the shortage? Is the cookie jar or your bedroom hiding place for rainy day funds being constantly raided? Is your son or daughter asking for money every day for this reason or that and for nothing tangible that you can see? Is the family checking and savings account being drained? Are there unexpected and frequent cash advances showing up on your credit cards? If so, someone obviously has a need for quick cash – and it may be to finance an alcohol, drug, gambling or other addictive habit.

• Foreclosure and bankruptcy: When you can’t pay your bills and there’s no more credit available, sooner or later you may be in the position of facing the worst of all possible fates that can disrupt your family: You may fall into foreclosure or have to declare bankruptcy. This can really send a family into a tailspin, all the more so if all the family members are addicted to substances, behaviors, and/or have a co-occurring substance abuse and mental health disorder. Of course, not every family that undergoes foreclosure or bankruptcy is filled with addicts, but it is a warning sign and does occur often enough that it should be cause for alarm. By the time foreclosure and bankruptcy occur, however, it’s usually late in the game. That doesn’t mean that you can’t do something to try to overcome the downward family spiral, but it does mean that you’ll probably have to endure some financial hardship for quite some time.

• Lack of care over personal appearance: If you notice that your spouse, child, or other family member starts to look disheveled, takes little care over his or her appearance, has sores that are constantly being picked at, yellow or pale skin, bloodshot or glassy eyes, bad teeth, smells of alcohol, ignores personal cleanliness – this is a clear sign that there’s something either physically and/or mentally wrong. As drug or alcohol abuse takes over, affected individuals think only about getting and using again.

• Violence and frequent arguments: When everyone is uptight, it’s hard to have a normal family conversation – over dinner, watching TV, going to the store, being with friends or other family members. Compound normal everyday stress and tensions with drug, alcohol use and abuse or other addictive behaviors (eating disorders, compulsive spending, compulsive gambling, compulsive sex, overwork, etc.) and you have a recipe for frequent arguments and explosive tensions that may erupt in physical violence. Have you or another family member had to leave the house because another family member became verbally or physically abusive after drinking or doing drugs (or that you suspect of doing so)? Once tempers flare to this extent, there’s no putting the genie back in the bottle. Outside intervention and counseling is the only way to restore homeostasis in the home. Be very alert to signs that family members are unable to deal with everyday issues and become hotheaded and argumentative without provocation.

What Can Be Done

After recognition that there is a problem, the next step is trying to figure out what to do about it. Usually this is the role that the more nurturing family member assumes, but it could be anyone in the family that steps up to tackle the issue of family addiction. Generally speaking, you’ll want to address the most serious addiction first. If one or both parents are constantly drunk or stoned, it may be an older child who tries to get help from another family member, school counselor, member of the clergy, or parents of a trusted friend.

It may be that your spouse is a falling down drunk whose lost several jobs, burned through your savings, has resorted to slapping you and the kids around when he’s on a bender, or has piled up a mountain of legal bills, has gotten arrested, or other negative consequences arising out of his addiction. You’ve tried to ignore the situation, thinking it will all blow over, and in the meantime have taken to popping some prescription tranquilizers or sedatives or pain pills in addition to a drink or two. It all made things a bit fuzzy, but at least it was tolerable. Now, however, you see that your teenage children are staying out to all hours, are failing in school, have gotten in trouble with the law, and may be painfully thin or physically ill. You decide enough is enough. It’s time to get help. The question is: Where do you start?

While it may be a painful realization, the fact is that you may need to have an intervention. A professional intervention is conducted by an intervention specialist, someone who’s trained in conducting the process to get an addict to the point where he or she admits the addiction and agrees to go into treatment. The point is that you need to get the most problematic addict into treatment first, and then seek treatment for yourself and the other family members.

It is possible that you can have a discussion with your spouse, if this is the most problematic addict in the family (the one with the most serious and pressing problems). Perhaps he or she will agree that treatment is necessary and promise to go. But don’t count on it. Denial is a huge part of addiction. And the stronger the addiction, the greater the denial will be. You may also hear a lot of ranting and raving, comments that the drinking and drugs are all under control, everything’s fine. Maybe your spouse will promise to quit. That’s another common tactic, and it always falls flat. The truth is that as soon as you quit harping on the subject, or go out of the room, or the next day, your spouse will be right back drinking and doing drugs again – and, likely as not, you’ll revert to your coping mechanism of popping pills and pretending everything is okay.

So, if the discussion fails to bring about agreement to go into treatment, what then? Now you really do need to get serious. It’s time to investigate the kinds of treatment facilities that are available in your area. That’s the first step. Where do you find them? The best place to start is the Treatment Facility Locator (http://dasis3.samhsa.gov/) maintained by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). Do a quick search by state to find the treatment facilities in your area. You can also do a detailed search (put in city and state), and a list of treatment facilities will be generated. You can also call their toll-free 24-hour referral helpline at 1-800-662-HELP.

There’s also the Mental Health Services Locator (http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/databases/) for comprehensive information about mental health services and resources. Like the Treatment Facility Locator, it’s easy to access these services and resources. Select a state or use the drop-down menu. You can also call their toll-free number at 1-800-789-2647, Monday through Friday, 8:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m., EST.

Don’t Let Money Problems Stand in the Way of Treatment

Many people fail to get treatment because they feel they can’t afford it. Either they don’t have insurance, or their insurance doesn’t cover it, or they just don’t have the money. This is never a good reason. There are facilities that provide treatment on a sliding fee scale or offer payment assistance. This is the reason you should start with the SAMHSA treatment facility locator. Not only can you find all the treatment facilities available across the country, but you can customize your search to look for those facilities that can work with you on payment. Use Detailed Search or List Search and check the boxes for “sliding fee scale” and “payment assistance.” Then call the facilities directly to inquire about their policies.

Finding Facilities that Treat Particular Addictions

Most of the treatment facilities listed in the Treatment Facility Locator are capable of treating any substance abuse problem. So, whether the addiction is to alcohol, cocaine, heroin, inhalants, hallucinogens, prescription drugs used nonmedically, etc., most of the facilities can treat the addiction. Facilities that offer methadone generally have a treatment program for heroin addiction. In the case of multiple addictions, and co-occurring disorder (substance abuse and mental health disorder), or just to be sure, contact the treatment facility directly to inquire.

If you need a buprenorphine physician and treatment facility (for the treatment of opioid addiction), go to SAMHSA’s Buprenorphine Physician and Treatment Facility Locator (http://buprenorphine.samhsa.gov/bwns_locator/). It’s important to understand that the maximum number of patients a physician may treat with buprenorphine is limited by law. This may mean that the physician you contact may not be accepting new patients at this time. If this happens, try another physician on the list or another treatment facility. And, since the list is updated weekly, you can always check back later.

What About Court-Ordered Clients?

If one of your family members has been ordered by the court to enter a drug or alcohol treatment program, your first step should be to contact your State Substance Abuse Agency (http://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/ufds/abusedirectors) or local criminal justice system.

You can also contact the facilities in your area directly to inquire whether they take court-ordered clients.

Treating the Rest of the Family

After you get help for one of your family members, don’t stop there. Addiction treatment professionals say that other family members need treatment as well. And that holds true even if those family members don’t themselves have some form of addiction or dependence to alcohol, drugs, or other addictive behavior.

Talk with the people at the treatment facility where your family member is getting treatment. They most likely have a family treatment component that can give you some valuable counseling and insight into the nature of addiction, developing healthy coping mechanisms, and improving communication within the family. But you may need more in order to overcome your own or other family member’s addictions or dependence. It’s still a good place to start. The treatment facility can probably recommend other programs or agencies (federal, state, or community) that can help you and your family members receive treatment concurrently.

There are also 12-step meetings that you need to consider. The 12-step fellowship concept is really about addicts helping other addicts stay clean and sober. There are 12-step groups for every kind of addiction, all based more or less on the philosophy of Alcoholics Anonymous, the first such organization. These fellowships include Narcotics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, Methamphetamine Anonymous, Marijuana Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Debtors Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, and so on. There is no cost to join and there are no dues. The only requirement to membership is a genuine commitment to staying clean and sober and to helping others in their goal of sobriety. Think of 12-step groups as a no-cost and very valuable support network of your peers. Another point to consider is that 12-step group attendance will be required for your family member who’s in treatment. Many treatment facilities include 12-step group meetings during treatment itself, to get the individual familiar with the set-up and routine. Attendance at 12-step meetings following conclusion of treatment is also required – at least for the first year.

If you can’t find or can’t afford a separate treatment facility for you or other family members (in addition to the family member in treatment), another suggestion is to consider attending 12-step meetings on your own.

There are also affiliated 12-step groups for family and loved ones of the addict. These include Al-Anon/Alateen (affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous), Nar-Anon (affiliated with Narcotics Anonymous), Gam-Anon (affiliated with Gamblers Anonymous), and so on. How you find these 12-step groups is simple. Do a Google or Bing search for the main 12-step organization. Then search their website or call their information number and ask about their affiliate groups. Once you find the affiliate group website, you can do a search for meetings in your area. Be aware that, in addition to on-site meetings, most 12-step groups offer meetings online and via teleconference. There’s really a meeting available almost anytime you or your family members need it.

Healing Takes Time

Finally, don’t be discouraged by the magnitude of family addiction – where everyone in the family is addicted. Healing takes time, and there’s no set-in-stone or one-size-fits-all treatment timetable or plan that works for everyone. Understand that there will be good days and days that are not so good. Sometimes one family member will have a lot of issues they’re dealing with and this can cause temporary communication difficulties. Work with your counselor. Get outside help. Develop a strong and reliable support network – including your 12-step group members. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. And be patient.

Look at it this way. Your goal is to reunite the family and to live in a healthier, clean-and-sober lifestyle. The journey may be rocky at times, but the vision that you hold for your family is clear. In the end, it really is all in the family. When everyone is addicted, you need to get the healing started. There’s no time like right now.

Don’t Give Up

Burdened by overwhelming troubles (financial, legal, social, and familial), you may feel so crushed that you believe there’s nothing that can be done. That’s the first trap, but don’t allow yourself to fall into it. The fact of the matter is that the reason you think you cannot leave is that you’ve allowed yourself to be controlled by another – in this case, it’s your addicted partner/spouse. Other cases involve children controlled by addictive parents, but that is another situation entirely. Here, we’re concentrating on what you can do about your situation, which may involve children.

You have to believe that there is help for you so that if not now, somewhere along the line, you will be able to leave, and do so safely. At this point, don’t consume yourself with worry that you don’t have the answers or you can’t figure out how all this will happen. Just don’t give up. If you do that, the abuser addict will win.

What you can do is begin to prepare yourself to leave by taking incremental small steps. This is the first step in your own road to recovery.

Importance of Support

Typically, the spouse of an addict has suffered a loss of self-esteem and self-confidence. While addicts themselves have this condition, so do spouses and other family members. The longer addiction has been present, as well as the extent of the disease, type of addiction or addictions, and other circumstances, the more severe the situation may become.

In general, spouses of abuser addicts have few or no friends or family members left with whom to confide. The addict has subtly encouraged or demanded that the spouse give up all outside relationships. “I want to spend all my time with you” or “I don’t want to share you with anyone else” are phrases you may have heard. Over the years, what few relationships you may have had have dwindled, to the point where you now have none.

The reason the addict does this is to exercise complete control over you. He or she wants to be the only one in your life so that you are completely dependent – and subject to his or her control. The fact that you’ve given in to these demands is another indication of your own loss of self-confidence and self-esteem. You have, in effect, enabled the addiction by perpetuating a climate of unhealthy involvement in your partner’s addiction.

It’s important that you begin to rebuild your support network. Don’t think that this is impossible. It isn’t. But it does take time. Slowly get in touch with good friends from your past. You may be able to track some down via the Internet – use the public library if you want to keep your efforts from your addicted spouse. Use public telephones if necessary, instead of your home or cell phone. Again, this will help you keep your activity away from prying eyes.

If your relationship with family members has become strained or fractured because of your partner’s addiction and controlling behavior, work on mending this first. Your family will be your most logical means of support. After all, family comes before everything else – for most people in our society.

Next, make a concerted effort to find new friends. You can do this gradually, so don’t think that you have to rush out and find someone right away. Maybe it’s a neighbor that has tried in the past to lend a hand of friendship, or one that you believe can prove to be an ally. Perhaps it’s someone you meet regularly at your child’s school programs or sporting events, or a doctor, nurse or member of the clergy with whom you occasionally connect.

Why do you need to build up your support network? You will need resources and allies for the time when you will be able to leave. Even if you ultimately make the decision to stay where you are – perhaps because of children, or finances, or other reasons – you will still need the support of others whom you trust to get you through the tough times ahead.

Support Outside of Friends

Beyond friends and family, you need other support from independent agencies and individuals. This is important because your friends and family may not be as objective concerning your personal situation. In addition, independent support can provide you with resources that your friends and family either don’t know about or don’t have access to.

Look in the phone book or on the Internet (again, use the computers at the public library or at a friend or family member’s house to keep your search activities hidden from your spouse) for support organizations that may be available in your area. These include:

• Support groups, such as 12-step groups for those whose lives are affected by someone else’s addiction: Al-Anon/Alateen, Co-Anon Family Groups, Nar-Anon Family Groups, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Co-Dependents Anonymous World Fellowship, COSA (Co-Dependents of Sexual Addicts), Gam-Anon, and S-Anon International Family Groups.

• Shelters, such as a local battered women’s shelter, or shelter for victims of domestic violence. You can also call the police department, YWCA, or local family court and ask for a referral to a local shelter. May of these shelters provide an array of services which include 24-hour emergency shelter, individual and legal advocacy, support groups, information and referrals, and community education.

• Counselors – If your spouse or partner is already in treatment for his or her addiction, if family counseling is part of the program, take advantage of it. Similarly, couples counseling, if available, may prove helpful.

• Volunteer and social workers – Among the many avenues of support, volunteer and social workers may be able to help you get additional assistance.

• Call Centers – Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE to inquire about services in your area.
Report Any Violence

If your spouse or partner physically abuses you, when you can safely do so, you need to report it to the police. Be sure to write down everything that happened and keep this documentation safe. Tell the authorities you are keeping a log of every incident that occurs. Don’t think that the violence is a one-time event. Statistics show that when a partner/spouse resorts to physical violence, despite vehement claims that it won’t happen again, it does. And it usually gets worse.

Be Prepared

Although you believe you can’t leave now, you need to be prepared for the time when you can safely do so. There are steps you can take now to ensure that you will be ready.

• Pack a bag – You will need some things when you do leave, at least clothing and money to tide you over for a few days. Pack these things and keep the bag in a safe place. If you feel taking a bag out would be too noticeable, then take a sweater, coat, wear extra undergarments, etc., and gradually get together what you need. Don’t forget to include any legal documents you may need, including passport and birth certificate. Other items to pack include medications and prescriptions, insurance information, extra money, credit cards and/or ATM cards, extra set of keys, phone numbers and addresses for your family, friends, doctors, lawyers and community agencies or counselors. You may be able to arrange to keep this bag (or the items you begin to accumulate) with a trusted friend or at a family member’s home. Or, store it in a safety deposit box that someone else opens for you.

• Save money – You should begin to save money, if you can. This can be a few dollars, even one or two at a time. It will add up if you do this regularly. One suggestion is to use coupons at the grocery store and give them to the cashier after your order has been rung up. They will give you the money in cash. You can also return items you have purchased, unused, with the store receipt, and keep the refunded amount. Be sure it’s something that won’t be noticed by your spouse/partner. Keep the money you accumulate someplace safe and where no one (including family members who may rat you out) can jeopardize it. Make sure this money is easily accessible to you when you need it. This may often be in the middle of the night, so factor that into where you hide it. Do not keep it around the house. It’s also not wise to open a separate bank account, since statements will give you away, unless you have them mailed to a trusted friend or family member’s home. Again, use caution in who you trust.

• Get legal advice – This is especially important if there are children involved. You don’t want to just pick up and leave with the children. Contact an attorney to find out how to go about this the right way. Some attorneys offer free legal advice one afternoon a week, so do your homework and find one that can help you.

How to Be Safe if You Stay

In the meantime, if you plan to stay with your abuser or addict spouse or partner, keep the following in mind.

• Know what will work best for you to keep you safe in an emergency. This may include how to react or what to say or do if you are threatened or in an intolerable situation with your spouse or partner. Do not antagonize the individual, especially if he or she is intoxicated, high or emotionally unstable due to his or her addiction. Remain calm – as calm as you can be under the circumstances. Rehearse a few responses that you think will not produce a violent outburst from your spouse or partner. Your reaction should include leaving the room as quickly as you can to remove yourself from the potential of violence – but only when you can do so safely.

• Know who you can call when there is a crisis. You can’t do this on your own. You will need help from an ally – a trusted friend or family member. This is a necessary preparation even though you are staying with your abusive or addicted spouse or partner. You never know when the situation could become dangerous – to you and your children. You need to have a clear idea of who to call when the time comes. You may need transportation in the middle of the night to a safe haven, for example.

• Decide how you would call the police in the event of an incident of violence. Experts counseling victims of domestic abuse recommend working out in advance signals you may be able to give your children, or neighbors, to call the police if you are not able to. If you’ve been taking the violence or abuse, decide that you will call the police the next time it occurs – and do so. Remember, it won’t stop if you don’t do something about it.

• The time may come when you absolutely have to leave – even if it’s only for a short period of time. Decide in advance where you will go. What is most viable for you? Discuss your plans ahead of time with your trusted friends or family members so that if the time comes when you have to do it, you already have a plan.

• Domestic violence counselors also recommend that you have your escape route planned out in advance as well. Don’t use familiar avenues of escape. Don’t go directly to your parents’ home, for example, if your spouse/partner has already threatened to kill your family if they help you.

How to be Safe at Your Workplace

Don’t forget being safe at your workplace. Recommendations here include:

• Save all threatening voice mails or emails. These may be used as evidence in court if you decide to take legal action in the future.

• Talk with your supervisor and consider having your work station moved to a more secure location in the office.

• Ask security to escort you to and from your car.

• Review safety arrangements for your children, for daycare or transportation to/from school while you are at work.

• If violence has occurred in the past, make sure security and/or receptionist has a photograph of your addict or abusive spouse
or partner.

Pick the Right Time to Leave

Getting prepared, working out your escape route in advance, knowing where you’ll stay, and having adequate support to help you out will all help you solidify your decision. While you may not be ready to leave now, you should do everything you can so that you will be able to leave when the time is right.

Knowing when the right time is may be one of your most difficult decisions. After all, you have invested a great deal of time in this relationship. While you have stayed for many reasons, not the least of which is the marriage or time commitment you’ve made to the relationship, any children present in the family, financial situation or other circumstances, ultimately you may need to leave for the best interests of all concerned. Be sure to pick the right time to do so, one that you believe offers you the best assurance of safety and comfort.

With counseling and guidance from your support allies, you will be able to do this. Your life doesn’t have to be one of endless suffering (emotional and physical) at the hands of your abusive and/or addictive spouse or partner. And, leaving doesn’t have to be forever. If your partner or spouse agrees to get treatment and successfully completes it, the relationship may be mended and you may return home at some point.

Whatever you decide, take responsibility for your own well-being, as well as that of your children. Don’t just take the abuse. Do something constructive and proactive about it. The best defense is a good offense. Be prepared, be ready, and act quickly when the time comes to do so.

Research has shown that perpetrators of domestic violence are frequently under the influence of alcohol or other drugs during an episode of violence. In fact, regular alcohol use is considered to be one of the high risk factors in determining the potential for an incident of partner violence. Additionally, an incident of violence in which the perpetrator is abusing alcohol frequently results in more severe violence and greater harm to the victim. The US Department of Justice found in a 1994 study that more than half of the lethal incidents of domestic violence involved alcohol use by the perpetrator during the homicide.  Other studies have even shown an overall increase in rates of violence in the community when there is a higher density of stores selling alcohol.

Many men who receive services to prevent battering are also referred to concurrent treatment for substance use disorders. It is estimated that over 60% of all batterers also have substance use disorders. This dual problem can greatly complicate effective treatment for domestic violence. Frequently men who victimize their intimate partners will blame their own intoxication for their violent behavior. They may also blame their partners for causing them to use substances. This perpetuates a lack of responsibility on the batterers’ part for both the violence and substance use. Consequently, denial continues for both the violence and substance problems decreasing the likelihood of stopping either.

Victims of domestic violence who also use substances often remain in violent relationships. The progressive nature of intimate partner violence increases these women’s chances of being battered more frequently and more severely the longer they stay. Batterers who live with women who use substances often justify their violence as a way to cope with the woman’s out-of-control behavior. In such situations the cycle of violence also cannot be successfully addressed because the batterer will not assume responsibility for his violence. Additionally, the risk for domestic violence increases when both partners are abusing substances.

Substance use is also significantly correlated with other forms of family violence such as the physical and sexual abuse of children. Children in homes where parents use substances are especially vulnerable to being abused, neglected and not protected. These children are vulnerable to abuse and neglect by parents as well as abuse by individuals outside the home. Consequently, they have a greater incidence of physical, sexual and emotional abuse than in families with sober parents. The majority of child abuse cases are associated with the use of substances.

Family violence is also correlated with future substance use. For example, women who abuse alcohol report a greater incident of childhood physical and sexual abuse than women who do not abuse alcohol. The majority of women in substance abuse treatment programs — including addiction to substances other than alcohol — report some form of abuse in childhood

Assess the Situation

First you need to know how bad the situation is that you have to deal with. Is your loved one newly addicted, or has he or she been a long-time abuser of alcohol, drugs or other addictive substances and behavior? Has he or she ever sought treatment for the addition? How successful was it? Have there been relapses following treatment? Does your loved one attend 12-step support groups on a regular basis? Are you starting with scratch with a loved one who refuses to accept that he or she has a problem at all, let alone seek help for it?

How you answer this will prepare you for the steps you need to take – not only to keep your own sanity, but also to offer encouragement and support (compassion) for your loved one.

Examine your Relationship

Next, what is your relationship with the addict? Are you the spouse, partner or significant other? Are you the parent, sibling, child or other relative? Are you a very close friend? The more intimate the relationship, and the closer in proximity you live with the addict, the more difficult it is to be able to separate yourself from the turmoil that naturally surrounds addicts and those closest to them.

Many families are torn apart by the stresses and strains of addiction. It happens all the time. That doesn’t make it any easier when you’re the one right in the middle of it, however. You need to keep your wits about you. It’s almost as if you have to hold yourself a bit detached in order to show the right amount of compassion without being steamrolled by the addict’s demands and wild mood swings.

What about Money?

Who controls the finances in your family? If it’s you, then you have more control over the situation. If it’s the addict, then you will need additional help to be able to keep your composure, especially when funds disappear to finance the habit.
Let’s say that you are the spouse of the addict, but your husband controls the money. During a time that your husband is sober, you could have a discussion about having separate checking accounts, so that you don’t always have to come to him for spending money to buy things for the house or the children or for entertainment or gifts. You might also offer to take over the bill-paying responsibilities, since this is often very challenging and stressful. Avoid being argumentative or confrontational. When it comes to money, everyone is more than a little touchy. It’s a territorial thing for some or a sign of control for others, being able to provide for the family for the breadwinner – or just personal preference. Some people are better at handling finances than others. If you are one of those individuals, you might comment how you’re always able to get the best bargains, can really stretch a dollar, or are a whiz at budgeting. Construct your argument carefully, so that you can be convincing without being a nag.

Money to pay for addiction treatment is also often very hard to come by. Do some research into sliding-scale or pay-as-you-go treatment options that may be available. There are also scholarships and grants that may be able to cover most, or all, of your loved one’s treatment program. When you look into the various possibilities, make sure to check out hospital outpatient and inpatient treatment facilities, residential treatment centers, and intensive outpatient seminars. How does this help you show compassion for your loved one? If you’re able to put together a treatment proposal that you can afford, and one that will provide the help your loved one needs, that’s showing love and compassion. It’s also a very proactive thing that you can do.

Tend to Your Own Well-Being

Before you can relate to your loved one’s addiction in the most compassionate manner, you have to first take care of your own well-being. This includes your physical well-being as well as your emotional and psychological well-being. If you’re run down, stressed-out, burned-out, unable to sleep, not eating properly, how can you expect to be anything but short-tempered, irrational, angry, bitter, confrontational or weepy? Obviously, you can’t.

The solution is to prioritize your own needs. They need to come before those of your loved one. No, this isn’t selfish. You have to take care of yourself before you can truly be compassionate and understanding of your loved one’s addiction.

It isn’t easy to get adequate sleep, however, if your addicted loved one is up ranting and raving, throwing things around, playing music, TV or entertaining others into the wee hours. Wear earplugs, eye masks, play soothing music in earphones. Take a relaxing hot bath, or get a massage. Do what it takes to ensure that you get a good 7-8 hours of restful sleep each night. Also, make it a practice to go to bed at the same time each night and rise at the same hour each morning. This establishes a natural sleep rhythm and schedule that your body will become accustomed to.

Nutrition is another vital element in tending to your own well-being. Prepare and serve nutritious meals, rich in whole grains, fiber, fresh fruits and vegetables, and plenty of protein. Watch out for excessive sugar intake or refined carbohydrates. These are especially bad for alcoholics and diabetics. Remember, while you are taking care of yourself with your meal planning, you’re also contributing to the nutrition needs of your addicted loved one. This is another way of showing compassion.

Take Time to Get Away

Sometimes there’s nothing you can do about a situation that occurs. An argument erupts, or you face a mountain of unpaid and overdue bills, or you just found out about another incident involving your addicted loved one that puts your family in jeopardy. When you can safely leave, without causing further disruption, get out of the house for a few hours.

It doesn’t have to be expensive, either. Go see a movie or visit friends. Take a walk in the park or go to the shopping mall. Run errands or take care of needed appointments. Get a massage or have your hair or nails attended to. Take a drive in the car.
The point is that you carve out some time for yourself that’s not in any way involved in your loved one’s addiction. In fact, it’s a good idea to have a regular time that you can devote to yourself. This could be a weekly outing you do with your friends or a trip to the library or bookstore, or a recreational activity you do alone or with others.

When you return from your time away, even if it’s a brief trip out of the house, your mind will be clearer. You will be less stressed and better able to deal with whatever the situation is at home. What may have been too complicated to figure out before may be easier to unravel or sort out now that you’re more relaxed.

Remember, everyone needs time to themselves. When you’re dealing with an addicted loved one, you need to make sure that you have adequate time to relax and rejuvenate.

Seek Help for You

No one has all the answers. Not self-help book authors, not friends, family, not talk-show psychologists – not any single individual. But there is certainly strength in numbers. What do we mean by that? There are 12-step support groups for the loved ones of addicts. These are fellowships of men and women whose lives have been affected by someone else’s addiction. These people come together for the sole purpose of helping each other (and themselves) heal from the stresses and turmoil caused by their loved one’s addiction.

There’s no stigma attached to seeking encouragement and support from 12-step groups. There are groups for loved ones of addicts in almost every addiction: alcoholism, cocaine, narcotics, prescription drugs, sexual compulsion, gambling, and so on. There are no membership dues, and no costs, although contributions are welcomed. Most of these fellowship organizations for loved ones of addicts have in-person meetings in many cities and towns, and even international locations. Many offer telephone and/or Internet meetings, chat rooms and blogs. Most have comprehensive websites where you can learn about the organization, read articles, download literature, and find appropriate books, CDs and DVDs on the various topics pertinent to living with an addicted loved one.

How can a 12-step group help you? Sometimes the best thing is just having someone to listen to what you need to say. Or, if you prefer to say nothing at all for a while, listen to the stories that others relate. You may find their situation is similar to yours or that a solution that worked for them is something that you can adapt and try out. After all, these are people who are living with addicts. They know what it’s like, the kinds of problems you experience, the anguish and uncertainty and despair that often seem almost insurmountable. They can help – with a few kind words, an understanding ear, potential solutions. The groups also often have seminars on job skills, how to cope with emotional burdens, getting your finances in order, how to help the addict without being overbearing, and any number of other topics.

What if Your Loved One Refuses Treatment?

Whether or not your loved one is ready for, or is able to admit that he or she needs, treatment, you can still prepare yourself by being ready with all the available information. At some point in the addict’s life, he or she may be willing to come to grips with the problem. This is the point where you want to be ready.

You may also want to look into an intervention. This is often successful in encouraging an addict to admit that he or she has a problem and to commit to getting treatment. Interventions are staged using professional interventionists, and include family, close friends and/or co-workers who rehearse ahead of time what will happen, what they will say, and do during the intervention. The goal of the intervention is to have the addict leave with the interventionist and go immediately into treatment. You can find out about interventions by checking into the services available through addiction treatment centers. If they don’t have an interventionist, they should be able to recommend one. The key is to have all the arrangements for treatment made before you attempt an intervention. It won’t work if you don’t.

Maybe an intervention isn’t something you want to tackle yet, for whatever reason. You may wish to get brochures about the 12-step groups for the addicts, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, and others, and have them available to show to your addicted loved one. Many of these are downloadable from the websites of the organizations. You can also order many pamphlets (some of which are downloadable as well), books and other resource material that may prove helpful.

If your addicted loved one refuses treatment and won’t hear of going to a 12-step group, perhaps a trusted friend, doctor or member of the clergy can talk with him or her. If not, don’t despair. At some point, when he or she is ready, know that treatment and counseling are available. You can work it out.

Perhaps, when all is said and done, you are unable to remain in the relationship. If you do decide to leave, do so with all the grace and compassion you can muster. It may turn out that you are no longer compatible, or that the relationship has suffered irreconcilable fracture. But this still doesn’t mean that you can’t show compassion, love and understanding. If you do decide to remain with your addicted loved one, or to allow siblings or children who are addicts to remain in the home, tending to your own needs, being prepared, taking time for yourself, and learning as much as you can about the addiction will serve you well in your goal of showing compassion – without being a doormat.

Will it be easy? No. Will it be successful? Maybe. Will you be able to have a happy and satisfying life despite your loved one’s addiction? That’s very much up to you. How well you are able to navigate the situation and take appropriate measures – as well as your own personal desire and commitment to find the best outcome – may very well be the deciding factors. Don’t go it alone. Seek help and support from others. Learn from what worked for those in situations similar to yours and adapt what seems to work best. Above all, remain positive. What you envision for your future has a very good likelihood of becoming reality.

Of the teens interviewed for this study, 25 percent have witnessed their parents getting high or drunk. More than 90 percent of parents and teens believe that parents should be role models for their teens. One interesting finding was that 63 percent of teens say that hearing their parents’ own stories about past use would make them more responsible about their own.

This survey project was designed to spur conversations about the dangers of addiction and the value of treatment among those in the Millennials, Generation X, Baby Boomers and The Greatest Generation. The approach was an honest dialogue on addiction issues between teens, young adults, parents and grandparents.

Key findings from this study include:

• 50 percent of teens report they would be less likely to use drugs if their parents told them about their own past use
• 67 percent of teens say their parents have already told them about their past experiences with alcohol and drugs
• 95 percent of those teens told reported this as a good thing
• Of the 33 percent of teens who report their parents have not talked about past experiences, 68 percent say they would want their parents to share
• 74 percent of teens say they view their parents as the No. 1 source of advice about drugs and alcohol
• 74 percent of those parents who have not shared past experience with their teens do so because they prefer their children to do as they say, not as they did
• Those teens who are aware of their parents’ experiences with alcohol or other drugs are nearly as likely as those who are not to consider their parents to be role models (90 percent versus 93 percent).

The results of this study suggest there has been a major shift in the course of one generation. Parents of teens today are much more open with their children about their early use of drugs than were their own parents when they were young. In fact, 63 percent of parents said their parents told them nothing about their own drug use.

While additional research into this topic is necessary, this study suggests that an open dialogue between parents and teens can help to create trust and lead to prevention. It is suggested that parents re-think what it means to be a role model and demonstrate the type of behavior they would want to see in their own children.

Too often, the media relays images of today’s American father in a rather dishonorable, scornful, and offensive light, which may seem out of tune with a customarily prideful and patriotically minded nation. In the news, we hear of irresponsible dads who are absent from the picture, unwilling to support their families, and who choose to carouse in their drunken revelry instead of behaving like a good father should.

Unfortunately, this message has been so propagated in television shows, music, films, news reporting, and the court system—thanks to a prevalent national divorce rate—that it has now saturated our homes and become a common acceptance in the minds of mothers, children, and even fathers. While some men do neglect their families, all single fathers are stricken with the burden of challenging a life-long stereotype of being incapable of providing for their own children financially and emotionally.

Men are traditionally presented with the expectation of fulfilling their gender’s role: family provider, head of household, or breadwinner. In his book Divorce in Psychosocial Perspective: Theory and Research, Joseph Guttmann wrote, “Family status is the most significant social variable accounting for a disparity between the genders in adult psychopathology.” Since the dawn of the industrial era, men have been expected to be gone for long periods of time while earning money to support their families, while women stay at home to raise the children and keep up the house.

Because of this economic family structure, Guttmann wrote, women in our country have been viewed as being solely responsible for raising the children, while men are considered to be solely responsible for providing the income. In these terms, fathers must be capable of satisfying this fiscal ideal in order to live up to their male identities.

In the book Throwaway Dads: The Myths and Barriers That Keep Men from Being the Fathers They Want to Be, authors Ross Parke and Armin Brott write, “For men much more than for women, providing for their families is inextricably tied to their self-image and even to masculinity itself.” According to Guttmann, in this polar division of gender in the household, fathers are deemed as distant role models for their sons and an example of what their daughters should aspire for in a husband, and they are considered as being ethical, materialistic support for their wives.

The problem with exclusively typecasting a good father as a good provider is that the equation neglects the role that fathers serve emotionally, psychologically, and sociologically, according to Parke and Brott. Wade Horn, director of the National Fatherhood Initiative, notes that “emphasizing fatherhood in largely economic terms has helped contribute to its demise. If we want fathers to be more than just money machines, we need a culture that supports their work as teachers, coaches, nurturers, disciplinarians, and moral instructors.” Mothers and fathers alike are culturally susceptible to accepting the “breadwinner” stereotype and rigidity of gender roles, and condone the idea that any man who cannot fit the mold is considered flawed.

This haphazardly sets the father up to fail in the role of nurturing his children. Guttmann writes, “Because women more than men are involved in housework and childcare, they are viewed as being more naturally oriented toward (hence better at) an expressive role…And yet, despite endless reinforcements to the belief that parenthood is biologically based and not learned, there is no scientifically conclusive evidence to sustain the claim that fathers cannot or should not fully participate in caring for and raising children.” Despite the change in modern households where mothers are now working more and the emphasis of both parents’ participation is deemed as mutually significant, a father’s importance in child rearing is still very much forgotten.

If a man becomes seen as unable to fulfill his duty as husband and father, all odds begin to work against him, particularly in the division of family. Even though almost every state’s legislation prohibits judges from granting custodial preference based solely on gender, the legal system still demonstrates a trend of favoring women by a huge margin. Parke and Brott note that more than 82 percent of the time the mother is granted sole custody, and only 7 percent of cases resolve in joint custody. An interesting justification for excluding fathers was even taught and upheld by the Family Law Committee of the Minnesota Bar Association. Their 1971 guidelines stated:

“Except in very rare cases, the father should not have the custody of the minor children of the parties. He is usually unqualified psychologically and emotionally; nor does he have the time and care to supervise the children. A lawyer not only does an injustice to himself, but he is unfair to his client, to the state, and to society if he gives any encouragement to the father that he should have custody of his children.”

Since the mid-1960s, a movement in the U.S. government policy began to shift away from fathers. Parke and Brott explain that the federal assistance program Aid to Families with Dependent Children (AFDC) was set up in a way that deliberately excluded fathers: “Women, it seems, are presumed to be fit parents; men, as in so many other parenting-related areas, have to prove it.” According to the U.S. Census Bureau, out of 11.6 million single parents living with their children in 2008, 9.8 million of them are single mothers and only 16 percent of them are single fathers. The chances of a man gaining any rights to his fatherly privileges are slighted, not likely, or seen as unreasonable.

“Contrary to the image of the swinging playboy after the divorce,” writes Guttmann, “custodial and non-custodial single fathers suffer serious emotional and physical effects…single fathers undergo a great deal of stress and describe an array of feelings such as anger, sadness, resentment, and depression.”

With the media and the government encouraging the idea that women don’t need men in order to raise their children and are better off without them, fathers are left in a destitute position in the family. Men are logistically ruled out of the equation, and ultimately classified as unnecessary except as a distant provider of money, leaving them alone to battle with the rage, shame, and frustration resulting from their loss.

Masculinity, as it is characterized, has also taught men that sadness is a form of weakness and that they need to solve their problems themselves. William C. Klatte writes in his book, Live-away Dads: Staying a Part of your Children’s Lives When They Aren’t a Part of Your Home, that because of this belief, men are more likely to be depressed and not seek help, and instead think they must hide their emotions, which causes more harm.

Over time, these suppressed emotions become so obscure and bottled up that these fathers stop feeling real emotions altogether, and begin merely going through the motions of their prescribed lives. “Another rub with avoiding sadness” writes Klatte, “is that it has a way of boiling over in anger or acting itself out as alcoholism, loneliness, isolation, ulcers, headaches, conflicts at work, sleep problems, or other things worse than the sadness itself.”

Now that these single fathers have to try to raise their children from a distance and maintain some impact on their children’s lives, some fathers find the challenge to be too overwhelming, or feel that they are not good enough fathers and that their children are better off without them.

Depression among single fathers is not only common, but it helps perpetuate a vicious cycle by justifying why they are viewed as “deadbeat dads” when they rely on self-medication through alcohol or drug abuse instead of seeking professional help. Guttmann writes, “It might also be argued that the condition of being a divorced parent without custody of children (the situation of most men in this category) is psychologically more risky than being a divorced parent with custody (as are most women in this category).”

According to the Associated Press, in 2007 more men than women (about 42 percent of men and about 19 percent of women) had reported a history of either alcohol abuse or alcoholism during their lives, and these figures still do not include those who chose not to report their alcoholism.

Alcohol is usually sought to relax the individual or to help them forget about their worries, but because it is a depressant itself, it actually deepens the depression the individual may already be suffering from. Isolation, depression, and consumption increases in order to withstand higher levels of tolerance over time, and for single fathers already feeling lost and hopeless, it becomes a sneering entrapment.

Klatte writes that in the eyes of the court, it is particularly difficult to place restrictions on live-in parents because they are responsible for their children’s daily care. Yet if a live-away parent violated his or her court-ordered rules (for example, creating an unsafe environment by drinking), the access to his or her children can be restricted easily.

Even though both mothers and fathers usually pay child support on time, the courts still drastically persecute fathers in a much higher percentage rate. The mothers, their lawyers, and the legal system can easily punish a father for outstanding payments or behavior they disapprove of, and sometimes do not find mothers who withhold their children from seeing their fathers as acting offensively.

It is commonplace to keep children away from their fathers for a number of reasons—Parke and Brott note that more than six million children are being denied access to their fathers each year. Even though eliminating a child’s father from his or her world can be seen as protecting children from harm’s way, children who grow up in fatherless families have more emotional problems, do worse in school, and have higher rates in criminal activity.

Statistically, children who have good relationships with their non-custodial fathers are less likely to abuse alcohol or drugs than children who never see their non-custodial fathers. However, children who live with no contact from their biological fathers are more than twice as likely to abuse drugs or alcohol.

Whether single fathers choose alcohol abuse as their escape valve to retreat from their depressing circumstances or mothers become unwilling to cooperate with their children’s fathers, the real harm produced by this ongoing cycle of the “deadbeat dad” convention is felt by the children. If children are denied access to one of their parents, they become more susceptible to carrying on the broken-home tradition in adulthood.

The problems with the legal system and society’s viewpoints on single dads will not vanish or improve overnight; the real change begins with seeking the proper help for substance abuse through professional guidance, 12-steps programs, or medical treatment. Also, for two-household families, counseling, mutual involvement, and focus on individual responsibilities and constructivism can help maintain the health and well-being of the children involved during this vulnerable and challenging period in their lives.

Definition of Family

Family, in the context here, refers to a complex structure that includes the traditional nuclear family to single-parent families, stepfamilies, foster families and multigenerational families. In essence, however, anyone who provides support and financial resources, maintains the household, and with whom there is a strong and lasting emotional bond can be considered family.

Substance Abuse Is a Family Disease

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) treatment protocol for family substance abuse considers substance abuse as a family disease – because all members of the family are affected by the abuse of one or more members.

Substance abuse creates negative changes in an individual’s moods, how they behave, their relationships with other members of the family, and their physical or emotional health.

Numerous studies show that if one person in the family abuses alcohol or drugs, the remaining family members are at an increased risk of developing substance abuse problems. The most potent risk involves the parent who is a substance abuser.

How Substance Abuse Affects Different Family Members

In the family, the individual with the alcohol abuse problem becomes increasingly isolated from the rest of the family.

Alcohol abuse by one or more parents often has a detrimental effect on children in the family. The spouse of the alcoholic typically protects the children, as well as assumes the parental duties not being fulfilled by the other parent. When both parents are alcoholics, the children are more likely to suffer.

Special issues exist with blended families or stepfamilies since alcohol abuse intensifies problems and makes integration and stability difficult or impossible.

When an adolescent is the alcohol abuser in the family, other siblings may not have their needs and concerns met. Parents are so busy dealing with the alcohol- and/or drug-abusing adolescent that they ignore or minimize the needs of their other children. Many families where an adolescent abuses alcohol also have at least one parent who is also either an alcoholic or abuses alcohol and other substances. This can lead to a very dangerous combination of physical and emotional problems.

Even among older adults who abuse alcohol and have grown children, the entire family is affected.

Extended family members who know about and witness the substance abuse can experience feelings of concern, anger, anxiety, abandonment, embarrassment and guilt. They may also choose to cut off or ignore the person abusing alcohol – to the further detriment of the family.

Problems That Occur in Family Substance Abuse

Not every family with a member who abuses alcohol or other substances has the following problems, but the likelihood and potential exist for any or all of them. Such problems include:

• Potential for domestic violence increases – The alcohol abuser cannot control his or her emotions, and behavior may easily escalate into violence, often involving children.
• Child abuse or neglect – When one or both parents abuse alcohol, the potential for child abuse or neglect dramatically increases. Even if there is no physical abuse, the children may suffer malnutrition or not have their needs met due to the incapacity of the alcoholic parents to function normally.
• Loss of job due to extended absenses, decreased productivity, poor performance. With no income coming in from the major financial provider, the family suffers. Even if the substance abuser is a non-working spouse or child, there are often serious repercussions within the family.
• Alcohol use among children – Seeing one or more parents abusing alcohol, or another member of the family, may result in other children beginning to experiment with and subsequently abuse alcohol.
• Criminal activity – Arrests for misdemeanors or felonies can further jeopardize the safety and stability of the family of alcohol abusers. DUIs, manslaughter, felonious assault, burglary and other crimes are frequently a consequence of alcohol abuse.
• Strained relationships – Increasingly isolated, the alcohol abuser distances himself from others in the family, including spouse and children. Often, the substance abuser will not permit other family members to have friends, or limits contact by any means.
• Arguments increase – An escalation in the number and intensity of arguments occurs between the substance abuser and spouse and other family members. This often leads to domestic violence.
• Interaction with medication – Taking any medication can cause negative effects, as alcohol negatively interacts with more than 150 medications. These include common instances of a person taking antihistamines for a cold or allergy, or the pain reliever acetaminophen, who also drinks alcohol.
• Pregnant women – Women who are pregnant or trying to conceive should not drink alcohol, since alcohol can cause a numbr of birth defects. The most serious potential birth defect is fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS). Children born with alcohol-related birth defects may have behavior and learning problems that last their entire lives. FAS children have physical abnormalities, behavior problems and mental impairment.

Long-Term Health Problems in Alcoholics

Abuse of alcohol can seriously jeopardize the health of the individual – with resulting catastrophic financial and emotional costs to the rest of the family.

• Alcohol-related liver disorders – More than 2 million Americans suffer from liver diseases caused by alcoholism. These include cirrhosis of the liver, which cannot be cured, but can be arrested if the alcoholic stops drinking.
• Heart disease – The greatest risk is among men over the age of 45 and women who are post-menopause. Alcohol abuse also increases the risks for high blood pressure, heart disease and some types of stroke.
• Cancer – Certain forms of cancer are associated with alcoholism, especially cancers of the mouth, throat, voice box and esophagus. Women have an increased risk of breat cancer. All alcoholics have an increased risk of cancer of the colon and rectum.
• Pancreatitis – Inflammation of the pancreas is a condition associated with severe abdominal pain and weight loss, and can prove fatal.

What Can Be Done?

Families with substance abuse need treatment by professionals trained to deal with family substance ause. The issues are complex, and must involve the entire family. Not only does the individual with the substance abuse problem required treatment, but other family members also need help so that the ultimate goal of achieving and maintaining abstinence is realized. Such family treatment also provides a neutral forum where families can meet and solve their problems.

Issues that surface during treatment – and which must be dealt with – include those of blame, responsibility and statements such as “Who caused this to happen?” Alcohol abuse or dependence doesn’t begin in a vacuum. But families often tend to blame an individual for causing it, even if it isn’t the person with the alcohol abuse problem. Blame doesn’t solve anything and must be dealt with before family treatment can progress.

How To Find Treatment

For help finding treatment or to obtain information, contact Al-Anon Family Group Services at (888) 4AL-ANON or visit http://www.al-anon.alateen.org. This organization provides referrals to local Al-Anon groups, support groups for spouses and significant adults in an alcoholic’s life. They also make referrals to Alateen groups, which offer support to children of alcoholics. To request information that can be mailed to you, contact (800) 714-7498.

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), (2312) 870-3400 or http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org provides referrals to local AA groups and information materials on the AA program. You can also check for local AA offices in your phone book or on the Internet.

The National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence (NCADD), (800) NCA-CALL, can provide phone numbers of local NCADD affiliates where you will be able to obtain information on local treatment resources and educational materials on alcoholism. Their website is http://www.ncadd.org.

The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, (301) 443-3860, http://www.niaaa.nih.gov, offers free publications on all aspects of alcohol abuse and alcoholism.

Addiction is so prevalent in today’s society that you cannot pick up a magazine or newspaper without reading about a drug-related death or another celebrity’s trip to rehab. While no one can guarantee you that your loved ones will not be impacted by addiction, studies prove the best defense one can have in fighting this war is to be armed with as much information as possible – as early as possible.

We will take a look at the most common risk factors as well as protective factors and review early signs that can predict future drug abuse. By replacing risk factors with protective factors drug use can often be avoided.
What are the earliest signs of risk that can predict later drug addiction? There is a strong biological link that exists; children with familial history of addiction are at greater risk of becoming addicts themselves. Biology is NOT the only risk factor however; there are many others that can be identified and worked on.
Researchers agree that as early as infancy and toddler-hood some risk factors are present; lack of self-control, aggressive behavior and a difficult temperament may all be indicators. You may be thinking “All kids lack self-control and can be difficult at times”. This is true; however, when these behaviors become so serious that the child’s home, school and/or social life are impacted, the risk of drug use and/or addiction is much higher.

Because kids’ earliest interactions are with family members, family dynamics can contribute to rising risk factors for later addiction. Some of these situations include:

• A parent or caregiver who abuses drugs
• A lack of attachment between caregiver and child
• Parenting that is ineffective due to lack of consistent discipline and clear boundaries
On the flip-side, risk factors are significantly decreased in homes where:
• Parents are consistently involved in children’s lives
• Strong emotional and communication bonds exist between parents and children
• Consistent discipline combined with clear boundaries are in place

The family is not the only place where risk factors are at play; as children age, the number and severity of risk factors also increase, such as:

• *Associating with peers who abuse drugs
• Acting out in the classroom setting
• Poor social skills
• Failing grades

*Associating with other kids who abuse drugs is often the most immediate risk for exposing young people to addiction as well as anti-social behavior.

Availability of drugs in the community and an overall belief that drug abuse is okay (or at least tolerated) are other risks that influence adolescents to begin using/abusing drugs. If the parents in the home display a casual or accepting attitude toward drug use, studies show children are at least 10 times more likely to use drugs themselves. Drug use cannot be treated as “do as I say, not as I do”-it simply does not work.

Risk factors are increased during stressful times; these are important for the family to be aware of and include:

• Periods of major transition; divorce, separation and remarriage
• Moving from the security of the home into a school setting

It is during the middle school years (12-15) that most kids are likely to first encounter drugs

• High school is challenging for most of us; this includes learning how to interact with many new people and new situations

High school is also often the place where drugs are more widely used and readily available. So it is a “perfect storm” of sorts; kids who feel out of place and nervous are offered drugs to help them feel cool, calm and collected – at least for a little while.

• Children moving out on their own – to college or to begin work – are at the highest risk of drug abuse.

Clearly, this data reinforces the need for early intervention in the family, at school and in the community. Parents, who early on, speak to their kids about drugs, monitor their activities and maintain open communication, are less likely to have kids who move on to drug abuse.

Schools that value and reward academic achievements, teach self-control and drug refusing skills while helping children to cope in different social situations can also greatly reduce the risk factors. Since dropping out of school is one of the biggest risk factors for young people, it is imperative that parents and schools work steadfastly to keep kids engaged in the learning process.

Communities that offer drug prevention programs are very helpful and often able to help ‘nip the problem in the bud’. Studies reveal that programs that coordinate prevention efforts across settings (through school, work, religious surroundings and the media) are the most successful.

We have all heard the saying “It takes a village to raise a child”. This is perhaps nowhere more relevant than in the case of identifying risk factors and working to prevent drug use and addiction.