• Take a long drive while listening to an inspirational tape, or book on tape, or your favorite music.
• Go to a 24-hour gym and work out until you feel so totally exhausted (but in a good way) that you’ll be able to fall asleep on your return home.
• Pay a visit to a church or synagogue and sit somewhere inconspicuous and just allow the peace and serenity of the religious place to fill you up. You could pray, if that’s what you feel like doing, but you don’t need to feel obligated to do so. Places of worship are for everyone – not just the regulars.
• If you’re near a beach or the mountains, go to a spot where you can listen to the waves or stare up at the stars and meditate. Now, if you’re a woman, and it’s nighttime, exercise caution. And remember that, day or night, you shouldn’t go anyplace by yourself where you feel you may be in danger. 
• Pick up a book that you’re interested in and start reading until you feel your eyelids getting heavy. Sleep in your chair, if you don’t want to go back to the marital bed. Or sleep in another room or on the couch.

Take Some Time to Reassess

You’ve just been through a huge and dramatic change in your life. By completing treatment for drug or alcohol abuse or addiction, or for addiction to compulsive gambling, overwork, eating disorders, compulsive sexual behavior, or compulsive spending, you’ve given yourself a tremendous gift – the opportunity to start over, to begin anew, free of your addiction.

Maybe it doesn’t feel that way to you right now, but that could very well be because too much has happened all at once. You can benefit by taking some time to reassess your situation.

After all, since you made the decision to get clean and sober, this is a major lifestyle change in your life. What you do and how you do it from this day forward will be markedly different from how you lived your life before.
And it can be a lot to take in.

That’s why it’s a good idea to step back, look at the items in your life that you need to address, the goals you’ve set for yourself, and the people you surround yourself with. Think of this activity as putting things in perspective. You have a goal, and that is long-term recovery. How do you get there? What are the things that you and your therapist talked about that are critical to successful recovery? What steps do you need to take, and in what order, to jumpstart your recovery?

Don’t be alarmed if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed. Write down things that come to mind, whatever they may be. Whether it’s how to get a job or assimilate back into the one you currently have, how to repair damaged relationships, get your finances back on track, adopt a healthier lifestyle, learn how to manage stress better, or find new sober friends, just write everything down.

Talk Things Over With Family

Consider the most important people in your life – your family members. Your return home after treatment is a big deal, not only to you but also to them. Don’t you think that they may have some reservations or concerns about your ability to stay clean and sober? Maybe they are worried about saying or doing the wrong thing, afraid to set you off or stir up old arguments.

There’s really only one way to reintegrate back into the family, and that’s to begin by having an honest, caring conversation with the person you’re closest to. That person may be your spouse, parent, older child or other close family member with whom you live or interact with on a daily basis. If you don’t have family, maybe it’s your best friend, your employer, or your neighbor.

Whoever you have an extremely close relationship with and with whom you share experiences, confidences, hopes and dreams is the person (or persons) you should have this conversation with.

Express first your appreciation for their support and understanding. Tell the person that you are firmly committed to your recovery and ask for their continued help and support. The closer you are – say, with your spouse – the more you can and should feel free to say what’s on your mind. It’s also quite natural to feel reluctant to talk about what you’re afraid of, or how you don’t think you’ll be able to withstand cravings and urges, but do mention concerns that you feel are critically important.

Your family is one of the two most critical components of your support network. The other is your 12-step group.

Build Your Foundation

Once you’ve arrived back home, taken time to reassess your situation, and had an initial conversation with your spouse or loved ones about your next steps in recovery, start to build your solid foundation – and build upon the strategies you learned during treatment – by going to your 12-step meetings.

One of your first priorities is to get a sponsor. The reason many in early recovery feel that their situation is stalling is that they haven’t chosen a sponsor. They may be afraid to choose one, thinking that no one wants them, or maybe they’re just inundated with all the things in their life that they have to change. That’s where your 12-step sponsor comes in.

Go to a few meetings. Try different locations, different days of the week, even different times of the day. After a week or two, you’ll start to get in the groove, to feel comfortable with a certain group, or with certain members who attend on particular days. Listen attentively to what’s going on. If you look around you, you’ll start to see who seems to have the most solid grasp on effective recovery.

How do you know who’s in effective recovery that might be a good candidate for your sponsor? Anyone who’s in recovery for at least a year without any slips or relapses that has completed all the steps and knows and lives the 12-step principles is a good place to start.

You shouldn’t feel timid or afraid to ask anyone to be your sponsor. If anything, the person will be flattered. If he or she is already sponsor to a few individuals, it’s understandable if they politely decline. And you can always change sponsors if the first one, for whatever reason, doesn’t mesh with your personality. That sometimes happens, but the remedy is to choose another person as a replacement sponsor. Just be sure that you’re not avoiding doing the work of recovery. In other words, your sponsor’s role is to encourage you to do the steps, to call you on your procrastination, to listen to your problems and support your desire to live clean and sober. He or she is not your therapist, and will not dispense counseling advice.

You’ll also build your foundation by interacting with fellow 12-step group members. Just listening to the shared experiences will be an eye opener for you. While you may think that what’s happening to you – your doubts and late-night cravings, nightmares, insomnia, temptations at work, home, or out in public, difficulties with former using friends – might be unique, they’re not. Everyone in recovery has or will experience the same types of situations. Hearing how someone else was able to deal with them effectively may spur you to think of a way to adapt their strategy or technique to fit your own circumstance.

All this helps you build your foundation for recovery. You want a rock-solid base upon which to build. Your 12-step sponsor and group members – along with your family – are that base.

Get Help to Deal With Recurring Problems

When you think about it, going to treatment for 30, 60, 90 days or longer is just the first step in the path toward recovery. Who’s to say that coming out on the other side of treatment every person has a solid grasp on everything they need to know to live a life of sobriety? Maybe some individuals have such a solid understanding and glide into recovery with no problems or recurring issues. But that’s not the case with most people in recovery.

For some, the issues are minor and easily dealt with. It could have to do with scheduling time, prioritizing responsibilities, getting needed medical attention, or going back to work, to list just a few. That’s not to say that these are always easy to handle. For some people, any one of them could be a major stressor.

But other problems may involve recurring issues – such as worsening depression, intense anxiety, suicidal thoughts, overwhelming cravings and urges, inability to sleep, and nightmares every night. There’s no sense allowing these things to continue, thinking that they’ll just go away on their own. They won’t. You need to get professional help to deal with problems that are threatening to sabotage your recovery.

If you need additional psychological counseling and have continuing care or aftercare as part of your treatment program, by all means take advantage of it. If you no longer have counseling, call the treatment center and get a referral to a therapist that you can go to for help. Ask for recommendations for free, low-cost or sliding-fee counseling that may be available as part of federal, state, or local agencies. Ask your doctor for a recommendation. But definitely get professional help so that you can manage emotional or psychological problems that are interfering with your recovery.

If you need medication to help combat anxiety or depression and your doctor prescribes it, be sure to take it exactly as directed. Don’t skip it or quit taking it because you either don’t think it’s working or feel that you don’t need it anymore. Recognize as well that it takes time for medication to work, and your doctor may need to alter the dose, brand, or frequency of the medication in order to arrive at the right prescription for you.

Find Your Spiritual Side

This next recommendation for what to do when your recovery stalls applies whether you believe in a Higher Power or God or the power of the human spirit. Every person in recovery needs to tap into their spiritual nature in order to reap maximum benefit in their new clean and sober life.

If you do believe in God or a Higher Power, go to church and pray. If it’s been a long time since you’ve been to church or synagogue, don’t let that stop you. Go and sit in the back. No one will bother you or look sideways at you. A house of worship is just that. People go there to be close to the God as they know Him. Maybe you think God forgot about you. Hint: He hasn’t. Just go and have a private conversation with your Higher Power. It’s easier than you think, and it gets easier the more you do it.

But you don’t have to physically go to church to be close to God. Talk to your Higher Power wherever you are. Say a short prayer when you wake up in the morning and before you go to sleep at night. It doesn’t even have to be a recognized prayer. Use your own words. A good suggestion is to express thanks for the gift of sobriety and for His help and blessings today.

Meditation, yoga, deep breathing exercises, watching a sunset, taking in the beauty of nature on a hike – these are other ways to find your spiritual side. What you’re really doing is getting outside yourself and your daily concerns and tapping into your inner self, your inner spirit.

Believe it or not, your spirit is a very powerful entity. Enrich your spiritual side and your recovery will begin to take off.

Have Some Fun

How long has it been since you’ve laughed? Recovery isn’t all boring schedules and tedious days filled with deprivation. Your new life can be boring – if that’s what you make it. But who wants a boring life? No one, of course. How do you make your life more interesting – and still be true to your recovery?

Start by having fun. If you have close friends who are sober, invite them over or go to a movie with them. A comedy would be a great choice. Family members that you haven’t seen for a while are a wonderful source of stories and shared experiences.

Take up a hobby or get involved in recreational activities that you enjoy. Not only will you be out and about with other people who are good for your sobriety, but you will also be doing something creative or helping yourself become more physically active and fit.

When you’re involved and enjoying what you’re doing, it’s hard to be down in the dumps or thinking that you’re not achieving this or that in your recovery. In fact, effective long-term recovery depends on you broadening your circle of sober friends, involving yourself in healthy activities, and building upon your solid foundation.

Not only that, but laughter and having a good time with close friends and/or family makes you feel good. Laughter releases endorphins, the feel-good chemical, in the brain – and it’s totally good for you.

Live in the Present

Last but not least, strive to live in the present. Today, the way you think and act, the decisions you make, the purpose with which you go about your day – that is what is most important in your recovery. Remember that yesterday is past, never to return. Tomorrow grows out of what you do today. With that in mind, live your life to the fullest, strive to do what you say and say what you do. Be thankful for your blessings, and give back to those whom you can.

Before long, you will no longer be worrying about what’s not happening in your recovery, or what’s not coming about soon enough to suit you. Instead, you will be joyous and alive and pursuing the life in recovery that you have created for yourself.

There is no one path to follow. There is no book that lays down exactly what you should think or do or say. Learning how to walk your path, follow the 12 steps as they pertain to you, and finding your strength in recovery is truly and uniquely your journey. Begin today with confidence, hope, and determination to actively work your recovery and create the life you want and deserve.

The world’s greatest men – and women – know a secret that all of us should put front and center: We must act, not sit idle. Nothing good or worthwhile ever was achieved by inactivity. How does this apply to our life in recovery? Let’s say we’ve gone through rehab and are now in early recovery. Congratulations! This is the first phase of our newfound life of sobriety.

We know we can’t just sit back and expect life to be smooth-sailing from here on out. We’ve been told – and should have listened – that it takes hard work and a lot of practice to gain a solid foothold in recovery. We may have only paid scant attention to the coping strategies or relapse prevention training and now wish that we’d been more aware. If we continue to just exist, going day to day without putting much thought or effort into it, while we may not relapse, we are more than likely not going to make much progress, either. That’s stagnation in recovery – but it can be avoided. Here’s how.

Recovery experts recommend that we keep striving to learn new things. Always have a list of things we want to find out more about. Go to different 12-step meetings to mix it up and see a fresh group of faces in between going to our home group. When we’ve achieved a sobriety milestone – 30-, 60-, 90-day, six-months, or our first year anniversary – set our sights on the next one. Take time to reflect on what we’ve done that helped us get to this milestone. These are the strategies and behaviors that we’ve selected and used to help us weather some tough times, major or minor crises, even days when nothing much at all happened. We learned how to get through lazy days and times that were boring. We practiced how to deflect probing, intrusive questions about our sobriety or unkind remarks from others who either don’t understand or don’t want us to be successful in sobriety.

But there’s still more to learn and do. In order to keep our recovery vigorous and alive, bursting with opportunity and promise, we can’t take anything for granted. Don’t just sit back and be content with the status quo. Instead, reach higher. We can and should stretch to achieve the next level. If we can dream it, we can devise a way to get there. That will keep us from stagnation and, more importantly, will keep our recovery exciting and filled with momentum.
 

Chemically Dependent Anonymous groups explain that the concept is uncomplicated and straightforward: they desire to help guide people toward recovery from the entire spectrum of substances that can change moods or alter behaviors.

CDA is based on the big-picture perspective that at the root of members’ “disease” is an addictive-compulsive nature. In agreement with theories that call addiction a genetic or brain chemical imbalance, members believe that using any substance that can alter their mood could trigger a relapse.

The concept behind CDA is not new; people have been battling addictions for generations. Many of the members’ philosophies are based upon the longstanding beliefs of Alcoholics Anonymous, founded decades ago to help people overcome an addiction to drinking.

Also called substance abuse or drug addiction, chemical dependence can actually involve an addiction to both drugs or alcohol, or only one substance. Once a person becomes chemically dependent, they cannot resist cravings to abuse a substance, even when it means their jobs and relationships will suffer harm. Like other diseases, chemical dependence can bring serious health consequences or become deadly.

Members of Chemically Dependent Anonymous recognize the progressive nature of addiction and the reality that maintaining recovery can be a lifelong endeavor. Similar to other 12-Step based groups, there is a strong belief that group sharing of members’ experiences creates a fellowship that heightens people’s chances for recovery. Also resembling other 12-Step based programs, members of CDA say that addicts have lost their ability to control their substance abuse and no amount of willpower alone will bring positive change.
 

Over time, the thought patterns of people addicted to mood-altering substances may become illogical and distorted, often deeply rooted in denial. The user can also quickly become unnaturally preoccupied with a substance, or go from one substance to another – a condition they can freely and confidentially discuss in Chemical Dependence Anonymous group meetings.

CDA acknowledges that many people have addictive tendencies by nature, and may have experimented with a long list of substances. Particularly as new “addictions” continue to emerge and be named, CDA members encourage people to address their addictive thought and behavior patterns themselves, rather than specific disorders.

Chemically Dependent Anonymous literature also offers the premise that if a person is honest with themselves and their patterns of compulsive behaviors, they may benefit from the fellowship of others who also struggle with addictive behaviors toward substances. The group encourages people who suffer from both drug and alcohol addictions simultaneously to seek their support and help.
 

A notable element of CDA is that total abstinence from any substance that can change or affect a person’s mood is called for in some chapters, in order to help prevent people from jumping from one addiction to the next.

Though it may be a challenging road, CDA is part of a path some recovering addicts are choosing to follow as they become more aware of lifelong addiction patterns and learn to utilize the support that is offered from others with the same experiences.

Why 12-Step Meetings are Important

So much can go wrong during your first months of recovery, with everything so fresh and new, and finding yourself often inundated with raw emotions and painful situations you feel ill-equipped to deal with yet. It’s one thing to have a bit of relapse prevention training under your belt from your days during treatment, but it’s another thing altogether to really put those skills to practice in the real world. Suddenly, what you learned seems foreign and too difficult to follow. Most of all, you feel a great sense of uncertainty and anxiety about making the right choices.

Furthermore, you don’t have the structure and schedule that you lived with during your active treatment phase, especially if you went to a residential treatment facility. Now, you’re all on your own, and it’s often a scary and frightening place to be.
First things first: Get yourself to a 12-step meeting. This is the one constant and ongoing support network that you have readily available to you. It doesn’t matter where you are in the United States, there’s likely one or more 12-step groups meeting in your area. There are even 12-step groups meeting regularly in numerous foreign countries and U.S. territories. You also don’t have to physically be in the room to participate, although in-person, in-the-room networking is always the best. Most 12-step fellowships offer online and teleconference meetings for those who can’t make it to a meeting location or need emergency assistance in the form of instant meeting.

Here are some other reasons why 12-step meetings are important:

• They can save your sanity: When things are all haywire in your life and you don’t know where to turn, you always have the support and encouragement of your fellow 12-step members. Just sitting in the room and listening to others talk about their struggles and strategies to overcome difficult challenges can reassure you that you’re not losing your mind. There really is something to this community of individuals all committed to helping one another maintain their sobriety. No, the participants aren’t counselors, and 12-step meetings aren’t a form of treatment, but they are invaluable. They’re a support group of your peers, people just like you who are going through the day-to-day issues of working their recovery.

• No judgments are offered: In the 12-step rooms, everyone is equal. Who you are in real life is insignificant. It’s the fact that you’re committed to your recovery and to helping others maintain theirs. Recovery isn’t a straight-line process, all constantly positive and instantly successful. It takes a lot of hard work and there are often little detours or setbacks as you try out various strategies to deal with certain issues or problems. As you become more comfortable and are willing to talk about your struggles in the room, you can be assured that whatever you say, you won’t get any judgments back from the other meeting participants.

• Find others in recovery who share your particular addiction: Just as you received treatment for your particular addiction at a facility that specialized in such treatment, you also can participate in 12-step meetings whose focus is recovery from that particular addiction. If you’re a recovering alcoholic, your primary 12-step meeting would be Alcoholics Anonymous. If you have a gambling addiction, you will likely attend Gamblers Anonymous. If you have multiple addictions (alcohol, drugs, compulsive sexual behavior, eating disorder, and so on), you can attend meetings for each of them. The point is that you want to be in fellowships where you can relate to the other members – and they to you – because you share similar problems and issues in recovery.

• Group sharing helps the individual: It’s often said that there’s great power in numbers. Nowhere is this truer than in 12-step group meetings. There’s something about listening to one member’s story, everyone nodding in acknowledgement (they’ve all been there), and offering a comforting word or supportive handshake. Just being able to verbalize the knot of emotions and difficulties involved in things like coping with urges, unexpected visits from former friends who are still using or other challenges often helps lift your spirits. Someone in the room may even have some practical advice or solution that worked for them – and may very well work for you. Brainstorming back and forth in working sessions often results in numerous strategies that may prove useful. This is so much better than sitting around at home stewing over a problem and not knowing what to do about it.

• They’re free: Whether you attended a residential addiction treatment program or got treatment on an outpatient basis, no doubt there were significant costs involved. Some addicts who feel they can’t afford treatment, either because they don’t have insurance or insurance doesn’t cover treatment, or because of family hardship, go to 12-step meetings to at least get some idea of how recovery works. While no treatment occurs at meetings, the fellowship is very supportive. Best of all, the meetings don’t cost anything. The only requirements to joining are a genuine commitment to maintaining sobriety and helping others do the same.

Tips on Working the Meeting Rooms

There’s no right way or wrong way to participate in 12-step meetings, but as you rack up attendance in different meetings, you will become aware of ways to best utilize the meetings. Here are a few tips on working the room to maximize your benefits – and those of the other participants.

• Be courteous and respectful: No matter what is said in the room – and sometimes there are heated discussions or things can get very emotional – always be courteous and respectful of others. You may not particularly like a speaker, for whatever reason, but you can always learn something valuable – if you listen to the message.

• Keep confidences: It goes without saying that what’s said in the 12-step rooms is confidential. It’s also anonymous, which should give you a great deal of comfort that what you say won’t get out to society at large. Still, these are groups of individuals, and the temptation to gossip isn’t something that 12-step members are immune to. To uphold the principles and philosophy of your 12-step groups, always strive to keep confidences. Just as you want your heartfelt and personal comments kept within the group, so, too should you keep whatever you hear in the room to yourself.

• Don’t be critical: Just because you don’t like something another member has to say or feel that they’re going about their recovery all wrong, keep your criticism to yourself. The whole purpose of being in these rooms is to be supportive of your own and others’ efforts in recovery. This means that you don’t criticize the choices someone else makes. You may, however, offer words of encouragement and support. That’s what most in recovery need, especially newcomers. They don’t have the answers.
That’s why they’re coming to meetings.

• Don’t feel you have to share right away: When you first start going to 12-step meetings, don’t feel you have to spill your guts out right away. It takes time to feel comfortable enough to want to say anything more than your first name. You’re there to listen and absorb, to get a handle on how all this works and whether or not the particular meeting feels right to you. At a certain point, when you do feel like you’re fitting in, you may wish to talk a bit about your story. No one will ever force you to do so. So, don’t worry about when the time will be right. You’ll know when it is.

• Try several different meetings: It may take going to several different meetings to find one that seems to click for you. Whether it’s the people who attend or the location or time or something you can’t quite put your finger on, some meetings just feel more comfortable than others. And, it may very well be that at some point, the meeting you didn’t like to begin with will become just the right meeting later on in your recovery. It’s also important to keep variety in your meetings. Why is this important? When you see the same people over and over again at your meetings, you may tend to tune out what they’re saying. Maybe they say the same things over and over again, and you don’t think you’re getting anything out of it. By going to different meetings, you solve that problem. You’ll have multiple networks of 12-step allies, all helping you in your goal of maintaining sobriety.

• 90 in 90: If you’re new to recovery, you may not be familiar with the 90-in-90 rule. Basically, it means attending 90 meetings in 90 days. Sounds like a lot, doesn’t it? The reason for the rule is that the first months of recovery are often filled with pitfalls. Relapse is common, especially among those who may not have enough coping skills practice. The discipline of attending at least one meeting every day – and you can certainly attend all the meetings you like in a day (meetings are available morning, noon, and night somewhere in your area) – helps you keep needed structure in your life. It also means that you’re always in the presence of others in recovery who can help you keep your priorities straight.

• Find a sponsor: Everyone in 12-step meetings needs a sponsor. A sponsor is someone who’s been in successful recovery for at least one year. Ideally, you’ll look for a sponsor with whom you can relate, someone whom you admire for their ability to overcome the challenges of early recovery, someone with whom you feel comfortable sharing your own issues and thoughts. It may take a while for you to find this individual, and you can always change sponsors if it doesn’t work out. The value of your sponsor is that this is someone that you can call on when you really need help – in the middle of the night, if necessary. In early recovery, your sponsor is the closest thing that you have to a lifeline – in addition to your therapist or counselor if aftercare or continuing care is part of your treatment program. So, while you’re attending various 12-step meetings, pay attention to the various individuals and speakers with whom you may share interests. If you like what one member has to say and he or she has been sober for a year or longer, approach that person and ask if he or she will be your sponsor.

• How to avoid conflicts: Recovery is unique for everyone. Some seem to take to it naturally, while others struggle and slip again and again until they finally seem to get into the process. Understandably, there are bound to be conflicts that arise. When people get emotional, sometimes they say things that others may find objectionable or harsh. It isn’t that they mean to, but all that pent-up emotion and frustration and guilt and shame and rejection that someone feels has to come out somehow. Avoid taking anything personally. If you find that a conflict emerges with another meeting attendee, try to remain calm. You may wish to alternate your attendance at that meeting to days and times when the individual doesn’t attend, or change meetings. There’s nothing that says you’re going to always like everyone in attendance in the rooms. That’s just highly unlikely. But what is true is that potential conflicts can be nipped in the bud. Always take the higher ground. And, if you inadvertently say something you wish you hadn’t, be upfront and apologize to the individual and/or the group as soon as possible.

• Find gender-specific or special group meetings: You don’t have to feel intimidated by going to a mostly-male 12-step meeting or one that has men and women that aren’t in your age group. The good news about 12-step meetings is that there are sections of many chapters that have been created to specifically address the needs of particular groups. There are women-only meetings, meetings for gay and lesbian individuals, meetings for young people, and those for senior citizens. To find such meetings, look at the websites of the 12-step groups and check out what may be available.

• Maintain a home meeting location: While you attend various 12-step meetings, you should have one particular meeting that you commit to attending each week. This is known as your home meeting. Committing to a home meeting will help keep you grounded. It is a place filled with other 12-step members who know you and constantly have your back. In your recovery journey, it’s important to have this familiar and reassuring element to keep you focused on your future in sobriety.

How Long Should You Attend?

Many newcomers to recovery and 12-step group attendance wonder how long they’ll have to attend. There’s no right answer to this question. The fact is that after you attend meetings for about a year, you should continue to attend them for as long as you feel that you are getting something out of them. Many individuals continue to go to meetings for years or even decades after they’ve been successfully in recovery. They have built a community for themselves that keeps them on track.

At some point, however, when you feel that you are fully grounded in your recovery principles and have completed all your 12 steps, you may wish to give back. At this point in your recovery, you may wish to or are asked to become a sponsor. You may find yourself leading meetings, organizing workshops, helping out in job fairs or providing other services unique to your background and capabilities. You may even wind up starting your own meeting in an area that desperately needs one.
Some individuals with years of recovery go on to study and become alcohol and drug abuse counselors. Others write books on their personal recovery in order to help others.

Bottom line: How long you attend 12-step meetings is really up to you. Remember that recovery is a lifelong process. You can come and go in meetings, be away for extended periods, and come back again to find that the rooms still work for you. The 12-step meeting works because of the generosity of spirit of attendees and the overall commitment to sobriety. It has been that way since the founding of the first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and all subsequent 12-step fellowships. It will always be that way. This, in itself, is a tremendous example of the solid support that 12-step fellowships offer for all those in recovery.

Honesty is the Best Policy – But…

Deception, keeping things from those we care about, glossing over the truth and hoping it won’t come back to bite us is a dangerous path to take. The more lies you tell, the more difficult it becomes to keep track of them. If you tell one version of your background to one person, or a group of people, say your boss and co-workers, another to your family, and another yet to new acquaintances, how are you going to remember what you said to whom? What happens when these people interact and the contradictions in your past come to light? What do you think happens then – to your credibility, reputation, trustworthiness, and reliability?

You might jeopardize or ruin your chances for a promotion, or lose a lucrative potential contract. Your spouse or significant other could feel, and rightly so, betrayed and unsure of the foundation and nature of your relationship. If there are children involved, or the desire to have children, not knowing about your addiction could pose serious questions about family heredity and genetics.
How should you handle the truth about your past? How much detail should you go into, and when is the appropriate time to even have a discussion about your addiction?

It would be wonderful to state that you should always be truthful. But the fact is that not everyone has a right to know about things that happened in your past – certainly not the stranger on the street or very casual acquaintances. Some things are best kept closer to the vest. That’s the “but” in the strategy.

Let’s take an example. You should be prepared to state honestly, if the situation warrants it, that you had a problem with alcohol, received treatment and have been sober for the past 10 years. Be straightforward and don’t go into details. Briefness is best. After all, no one is perfect. We all have challenges, obstacles, and missteps in our past that we’ve had to deal with. Thanks to a greater awareness that addiction is a treatable disease, today there is much less stigma attached to it than in years past. Nonetheless, there still is a stigma about addiction. So, if the other person seems to take it as a matter of fact and doesn’t pursue the subject, consider that you’ve said enough.

What About Loved Ones?

The closer your relationships, the more honest you need to be. This just stands to reason. They’re bound to find out at some point anyway, so why try to hide your addiction? You don’t need to be blatant about it, parading your sobriety like a badge of honor. This makes others nervous, as if you have something you’re trying to prove to yourself. Save your declarations about your sobriety for your 12-step group meetings. That’s where it really belongs. Your fellow 12-step members have all been in your shoes and understand the stresses, cravings, urges, and tough times every addict faces in recovery. They’re also uniquely qualified to help you through their support and encouragement. They don’t ask anything in return, and aren’t going to jeopardize your relationships, job or social standing. Again, choose where you want to be the most open and direct.

Your spouse, partner or significant other deserves to know the most about your addiction. This is your life mate, the person with whom you share more than just your physical bonding. He or she should already know about your past, but if you’ve kept it secret up to this point, now’s the time to get it out in the open.

While it’s understandable that you would feel like this would be a bombshell that could end the relationship, it’s worth taking the risk in order to strengthen your union. The question no longer becomes one of if you should tell your spouse/partner/significant other, but when and how. Here you have a lot of discretion and latitude. You still need to pick the time, place and manner of delivery.

Tips for Telling Your Spouse the Truth

Think about what pleases your spouse the most. Is it a romantic dinner for two or a getaway to a favorite vacation spot? Does your spouse really love a thoughtful gift, flowers, or a pre-paid spa appointment? What about season passes to a nearby ski resort or a membership in a golf club? Is the best time over coffee at sunset or during a picnic lunch at a lakeside park?
Make a list of all the ideas you can come up with. Next, look over the list and see which ones are the most doable. By this, we don’t mean the easiest, but the ones that you believe will result in the receptiveness or willingness to listen to what you have to say. The timing and time of the revelation should be when you are alone together. Do not have any distractions or pressing appointments that will interfere with a solid discussion. This is true even if your spouse asks for time to think about it before discussing it further. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Wouldn’t you want time to think about such an admission before blurting out your reactions?

Prioritize the list and choose the one that seems to provide the most likely positive result. By this we mean that you’ve selected a time, place and manner that will set up the situation so that you can have a private and personal discussion about your addiction. The best advice about talking with your spouse about your addiction is to be loving and honest. Demonstrate your affection before you begin talking about the situation, and ask that your partner hear you out. You may also wish to say that you want him or her to take as much time as necessary to think about it before venturing any comment or opinion, and that you will answer any questions when they are ready.

Be Prepared for Tough Questions

Of course, having made the statement that you’d answer any questions, you need to be ready and willing to do so. Be prepared for some tough ones. The discussion may be hard for your spouse to initiate, and he or she may not do it at the most appropriate time. If possible, change your schedule to be able to accommodate the more in-depth conversation that you need to have with your spouse. If it’s not possible to go into it at the moment your spouse brings it up, specify a time that’s mutually agreeable and then stick to it.

Here are some of the questions that may pop up:

• When was the last time you used (drugs, alcohol), or engaged in addictive behavior (gambling, compulsive sex)?
• How long were you addicted? How long before I met you were you addicted?
• What age were you when you first began using drugs and/or alcohol?
• Were you ever arrested?
• Have you ever had any sexually transmitted disease? How long ago were you tested?
• Did you undergo formal treatment for your addiction?
• Did you ever suffer a relapse?
• Have you ever had serious financial difficulties, legal problems, lose a job or promotion as a result of your addiction?
• Is your condition inherited? Is your father, mother or some other close relative an addict as well?

Where to Go Next – After You’ve Had the Discussion

If you have a generally good relationship with your spouse, you should feel a great sense of relief that this secret about your addiction is finally out in the open – between the two of you. This takes a tremendous burden off you and, while it’s understandably not something your spouse would be pleased about, the fact that you have revealed it says a lot about your strength of character and integrity – as well as your love.

You trust in your spouse’s willingness to accept you for who you are, just as you would be willing to accept anything in his or her past. Another point to be made is that you should ask for your partner’s help in going forward. This gives your spouse the opportunity to acknowledge what it took for you to get this off your chest and to share it with the person you most care about. Your spouse may even say something like this: We can work through this together. Reiterate that recovery is a day to day process, and you appreciate the understanding, consideration and willingness to be a part of it.

What happens if your spouse, after you’ve revealed your addiction, says this is something they really can’t deal with? You need to be ready to accept this on the face of it. Very often spouses need some period of time for the knowledge of your addiction to sink in, to come to terms with how they feel about it and whether it compromises your overall relationship to the point of dissolution or separation.

Whatever the reaction, you have to be ready for it. If your spouse rejects you – temporarily or permanently – after you talk about your addiction, it doesn’t reflect on you as a person. It doesn’t make you bad or worthless or undeserving of his or her love. It doesn’t mean that your life is over, or that you will suffer an immediate relapse, lose your standing in the community or be rejected by your friends. You should, however, seek the encouragement and support from your aftercare counselor and/or your 12-step group sponsor and members.

A Few Words About Being Open With Friends

Depending on the length and closeness of your friendship, decide when and how to say anything about your addiction. Naturally, if you are an alcoholic in recovery, you will need to avoid circumstances where everyone is drinking. If you’ve been avoiding going to the bar with co-workers who are friends after work on Friday nights, for example, at some point you may wish to say that you’re an alcoholic and you now live a life of sobriety.

If you had a problem with marijuana or cocaine and friends light up a joint or snort coke in your presence, the first thing you should do is leave. At another time, you may wish to inform them that you once did drugs but are now sober – and intend to stay that way. Ask them not to do drugs in your presence. Tell them that it may affect your relationship if they continue to do so.

Former problem or addicted gamblers can’t take the chance of dropping a few casual bets or buying some Lotto tickets. If friends ask you to get in on the football pool or go to the casino, tell them you don’t bet. You may or may not want to say you were a compulsive gambler. As long as you have received treatment for your addiction and are in recovery, there’s no need to go into detail about your gambling addiction. What’s the point? It will just give them something to talk about – and gossip is not in your best interest.

Of course, if you have a very close friend with whom you share many interests, similar outlook and have discussed many confidences, perhaps this is one person that you may wish to tell of your addiction. Weigh and balance what feels right to you and act accordingly.

What About a New Love Interest?

Again, timing is everything. Gauge how receptive the person may be to the revelation and whether you should bring it up at this time. If you do think the time is right, say something simple and direct. I had a problem with heroin (or marijuana or ecstasy or LSD, etc.) in the past, but I’m so glad that’s in my past. I’ve been clean and sober ever since. But, don’t say this unless it is true. If you still have a problem and either haven’t sought treatment, or began it and quit, or have relapsed, maybe this isn’t the time to get involved with someone new. It’s not fair to either of you. And, if you fall into this category, you really need to get some professional help – and pronto.

Attitude is Everything

Finally, having the discussion with others – any others – about your addiction depends a great deal on your attitude. If you are positive, upbeat, and have an openness and straightforward attitude, it will serve you better than if you are down in the dumps, depressed, anxious, and nervous. How you portray yourself to others helps them calculate whether the knowledge of your addiction is something that is truly in your past or something that will potentially bring problems.

Look forward to meeting new people and to continued lasting relationships with your current friends. Remember that you are not defined by your addiction. Your life in recovery is what you make it. You are the person you have chosen to be – one who is clean and sober. Your life choices and everyday actions, even your friends, are impacted by this decision to live your life free of addiction. Celebrate that fact and move forward. You will find that you are no longer troubled by how open you can be about your addiction.

Aftercare Defined

Aftercare refers to programs that are designed to provide counseling on an ongoing basis for patients (or clients) who have already completed treatment in either a residential or intensive outpatient program for addiction.

Most aftercare programs require clients to have been chemically abstinent for some period of time prior to admission. Usually, aftercare programs immediately follow treatment and are based on a personalized plan for the individual. The client’s counselor may have the individual set recovery and life goals while still in treatment, including writing out a sober plan of action for early sobriety.

Why Aftercare is So Critical

Overcoming months or years of addiction isn’t easy for anyone. Going through treatment for the addiction is often a life-saving blessing. But it’s just the first step in an ongoing process toward recovery. Addicts are never “cured” of their addiction. They learn to understand the basis for their addiction, contributing factors, how to cope with and manage cravings and temptations, and to develop more healthy behaviors that will sustain them on their path toward recovery.

While in treatment, clients become used to a certain structure, a regular schedule of activities, duties, even recreational time. Once treatment is finished, however, there’s often a vacuum. The person is now out in the world, having to deal with situations and feelings that they may not be confident enough they can handle. In fact, relapse is a concern during the first six months following treatment. For this reason, addiction professionals recommend patients participate in an aftercare program for at least six months after they’ve completed a treatment program. Referral to a sober living environment may also be advised.

Besides regularly scheduled meetings and counseling, aftercare includes group activities during which the individual in recovery interacts with peers. This peer support and the relationships formed during abstinence-based activities often prove invaluable to persons in recovery. Alumni-based and 12-step meetings in the community are also part of aftercare programs.

Types of Aftercare Programs

Many drug and alcohol treatment facilities offer aftercare programs as part of the personalized treatment program for the client. This could be a residential treatment program or an intensive outpatient treatment program. In effect, the aftercare program becomes a continuation or extension of the initial treatment. While each aftercare program is unique, depending on the philosophy and structure of the organization, common services provided include counseling, one-on-one and group meetings, lectures and educational discussion, recreational and social activities.

As to types of aftercare programs available, these also differ depending on the facility or entity providing the aftercare program. There are aftercare programs that are designed for adolescents only, or for adults only, or for men or women only. Some are specifically for those recovering from substance abuse, while others may include may include other addictions or disorders.

Aspects of a Typical Aftercare Program

Sessions or group meetings are scheduled on convenient days and times, in order to best meet the client’s schedule. Programs include interactive process sessions, practical instruction and group support.

Sessions may include the following (although this list is not all-inclusive):

• Relapse prevention skills
• Understanding the risks and problems involved in recovery
• Development of relationship skills
• Stress, anxiety and anger management
• Family dynamics
• Coping mechanisms for dealing with issues related to abstinence
• Addressing triggers
• Reminders of activities that are helpful to maintain serenity in a chaotic (or tempting) environment
• Learning from others who are successful in their sobriety how they achieved their goals
• Vocational education or job skills development

Some aftercare programs may include retreats and recreational activities throughout the year.
In addition, random and infrequent testing for drug and/or alcohol use may be part of the aftercare program.

Alumni/aftercare includes alumni of the aftercare program who are business people and community leaders. These individuals often serve as valuable resources to new clients in aftercare, helping them identify employment opportunities. Alumni also serve as role models to those newly enrolled in the aftercare program.

Adolescent Aftercare Program for Substance Abuse

Programs for young adults recovering from substance abuse focus on the unique needs of the individuals recovering from drug and/or alcohol abuse/dependence and who need to accept personal responsibility. Such aftercare programs emphasize recovery from the substance abuse/dependence, academic components, responsibility as an integral part of young adulthood, and recreation as an important element of a healthy, balanced life free of drugs or alcohol.

A big part of the aftercare program involves recovery. The young person needs to:

• Understand their addiction and learn relapse prevention skills
• Learn to recognize their emotions and regulate emotional responses to triggers
• Become aware of irresponsible thinking patterns and the connection to substance abuse
• Participate in recreational activities to stave off boredom

Developing a sense of personal responsibility includes:

• Understanding how their emotions interact with the family
• Developing healthy habits and behaviors based on a daily structure – which also helps develop skills for independent living
• Goal-setting and rewards – to help develop positive self-esteem and a sense of accomplishment
• Developing health personal habits – to promote self-responsibility for physical and emotional health

Recreation is an essential part of the aftercare program for adolescents and young adults since boredom is one of the chief triggers to relapse. Aftercare recreational programs teach clients how to have fun without alcohol or drugs. With year-round recreational programs, clients can develop regular exercise routines, learn new hobbies or develop new interests – all in an effort to promote a healthy sense of self and positive mental health.

Lifetime Aftercare

Individuals who have completed primary care at certain treatment facilities may participate in what is known as lifetime aftercare, or weekly aftercare meetings. Such clients have usually completed residential, day or outpatient treatment programs.
Lifetime aftercare generally consists of weekly (or regularly scheduled) group meetings facilitated by an experienced counselor. The facilitator assists clients in meeting their individual recovery plans and offers guidance in their recovery efforts. The group meetings provide clients with support and feedback from the facilitator and other participants, and a forum in which they can explore obstacles and issues they face on a daily basis as well as successes.

Alumni meetings and events, including picnics, activities and new-client sponsorships are also part of many lifetime aftercare programs. Ongoing support in lifetime aftercare programs involves alumni, staff, clients, families and the community.

Best Outcomes of Aftercare Programs

The most important part of a successful aftercare program for the individual who’s involved in it is how it helps prepare them to stand on their own. They need to find empowerment that they can live their own lives free of being dependent on any chemical substance or addiction. They need to know that they are the ones who control their own destiny, who chart their own future – and that they’re not relegated or destined to a prescribed scenario as envisioned by others.

Just as no one else but the addict can choose to become sober, only the recovering addict can choose to remain in sobriety. No amount of treatment, lectures, peer influence or family exhortations can make the ultimate difference. It’s the individual who chooses. In this sense, aftercare programs that foster this sense of self-confidence and self-esteem in the recovering individual provide the opportunity for the best outcomes.

Statistics show that individuals who regularly attend aftercare, therapy and 12-step meetings are significantly less likely to return to former self-destructive behaviors than if they only participated in one of these.

What Happens When Aftercare is Done?

Unless the client is involved in a lifetime aftercare program, sooner or later (6 months to a year or longer) the program is done. The client is now completely on their own, left to struggle with daily challenges, temptations, obstacles and triggers. Or are they? Actually, there is always additional support that comes from continued attendance and participation in 12-step group meetings. In fact, 12-step meetings are almost always part of aftercare programs and, although the aftercare program ends, the 12-step meetings can and should go on for an extended period of time.

Some individuals in recovery report that they continue to participate in 12-step meetings as a way of giving back. They seek to provide support to other individuals new to recovery – just as they received support in their early days of sobriety. Others regularly attend meetings, whether at home or around the world when traveling for business or pleasure, as a means of reinforcement, or a way of staying connected and grounded to what’s important in their lives – sobriety.

Sometimes, individuals just need a friend, someone who understands, and someone who’s been through the same type of experience. Whether it’s today, next week or next year, something may happen that rocks the carefully-established foundation of sobriety and the person in recovery needs help. Again, help and support – or an understanding ear to listen – is always available in the appropriate 12-step group. Friends, sponsors and those the recovering addict meets during these meetings may be the lifeline that keeps them firmly rooted in sobriety – or helps them out during periods of crisis.

What Should Be Hoped For?

Life should be about joy and discovery. Following treatment and participation in aftercare, the individual in recovery should make plans for the future that continually evolve. Once certain short- or long-term goals are met – make new ones. Enrichment, personal satisfaction, realization of long-held dreams, meeting someone with whom to have a lasting romantic relationship – all of these and more are what the recovering addict should hope for.

In other words, have faith that you can achieve the dreams, plans and goals that you set for yourself. Rediscover the joy in daily life that you may have missed or overlooked during your addiction. Find the love that is ready and waiting for you once you are open to receive it. What are your limits? There are none, really. Open yourself up to all the possibilities and embrace your future in sobriety.

In summary, individuals who are nearing completion or are about to complete treatment should work with their individual counselor to develop a personalized aftercare program. Plan to participate in the aftercare program for a minimum of six months following treatment – or as long as the client feels necessary. Attend 12-step meetings in conjunction with and following aftercare programs. Create goals and constantly revise them, adding new ones as opportunities arise. Be open to new possibilities and be ready to embrace them.

Differentiate Between True Friends and Not-so-true Friends

One thing for you to determine – even before you strategize which response to use to deal with the mention of your past – is how good a friend is this? Do you have a long-term relationship that’s important for you to maintain? Did you grow up with this individual, go to school, serve in the military, play sports or engage in other activities that brought you in close contact for years? Do you work with this person? Or, is this someone with whom you’re only casually acquainted, a person with whom you don’t really have much in common?

These are important differentiators because they will help you map out your response or action when the person talks about your past. Obviously, if the relationship is significant to you, you’ll want to employ a different tactic than if it’s one you can afford to (or should) lose.

Work Out Strategy in Advance

Figuring out how best to deal with unpleasant or self-destructive situations is something you learned during rehab. Sometimes these lessons need revisiting, especially since learning something – and even practicing it in group therapy – is a lot different than actually having to use it in real life. If you have continuing counseling sessions with your therapist as part of your aftercare program, discuss coping mechanisms and strategies you can employ in this situation. Role-play what the person says and your potential responses to it. Which ones seem more effective? How are they different depending on the importance of the friendship?

Private psychotherapy or one-on-one counseling, independent of or in place of aftercare, can also help with this issue – and many others that are bound to come up in your recovery.

Part of your post-treatment regimen is more than likely attendance and participation in 12-step support groups. Use the resources available to you to discuss how to handle this situation with your sponsor and/or other members of your support group – particularly those with whom you share similar background or experiences. They can prove invaluable as sounding boards. What works for one person may not work for you, but it can serve as a brainstorming session for you to devise your own plan.

Practice what you’ll Say

Knowing what you’re going to say is a good first step. But you also need to practice saying it. This is important so that your delivery matches your words. You don’t want to come off as defensive or argumentative or dismissive if the relationship means a lot to you. But you do need to be forceful and direct. The other person should have no doubt about the fact that discussion of your past is not a topic you care to address.

Depending on how well you know the individual, you can probably ascertain their motivation for bringing up what are obviously painful memories for you. This may help you develop the appropriate words to say to the person. Again, discuss various scenarios and verbiage with your counselor and/or support group members. You may even want to discuss and practice it with your significant other – with whom you’ve probably already had some occasion to go into what’s happened in your past in some detail (during family or couples therapy, joint counseling sessions and private conversations between the two of you).
Does the other person want to hurt you – because you’ve hurt them or because they have a vindictive streak? Do they want you to relapse? Yes, this is a tough thing to say, but some people don’t want others to be in recovery. If they continue to drink or use drugs, it makes them look bad because they’re either not ready or may be too weak to quit themselves. As you already know from your time in treatment, these are friends you really need to ditch. They will serve no useful purpose in your recovery and, chances are, will do everything they can to get you to fail. Potential things you can say may include:

• “There is no point bringing up the past. That’s over and done with. End of story.”
• “I’m not going to discuss what happened before, not with you. If you can’t respect my wishes, then I can’t associate with you.”
• “Your lifestyle and mine are no longer compatible. I’m not going to [drink and do drugs] any longer, and I choose not to be around others that do. I hope you understand, but if you don’t, it’s not going to change my decision.”
You might even call them on their game, if you feel that may deflect the barbs. That’s up to you. Perhaps say something like the following:
• “I’ve known you for a long time and what you’re trying to do is drag me down to your level. It won’t work.”
• “What’s past is past and I’m not going to indulge in your game of ‘how good it was.’ It wasn’t. It was an addiction, and that’s not part of my life any longer.”
• “I think you’re jealous that I’ve quit [drugs and alcohol], or maybe you just can’t stand to see me happy. I’m sorry you feel that way, but that’s your problem, not mine. I have a new life, one that I’ve chosen.”

Well-meaning friends also sometimes can’t help themselves. They may be curious how you got off drugs or alcohol, and bringing up the past may be their way of broaching the subject. There is a natural curiosity about what goes on in rehab that’s so alien to most people’s frame of reference. Of course, this is private for you, and what or how much you want to share is purely your decision. Again, it depends on how significant the relationship with this person is and what can be gained by being forthcoming – or not. You might say something like:

• “I know you’re probably curious about how I was able to kick my habit, and at some point we may be able to have a discussion about it. But now is not the time, and I hope you’ll respect my wishes and not bring up things that happened in the past.”
• “Thank you for your concern. I appreciate your friendship and the fact that you support my recovery. I am now living in the present, so I would appreciate it if you refrain from discussing things that happened in the past.”
What if the friend is also your boss or someone with whom you work closely every day? Your words may have to take on a different tone, especially with someone who has the power to fire or demote you or pass you over for promotion (however deserved). Consider carefully what to say, but here are some suggestions:
• To your boss: “I appreciate your support while I was in treatment. That’s been very important to me and it helped me tremendously. I want you to know that I’m working on my sobriety every day, attending my meetings and putting into practice what I’ve learned. You have my commitment to continue on this path of sobriety.”
• To your co-worker: “I’ve been in treatment and learned a great deal about how to cope with stresses and triggers. Let’s just say that I have a new life plan now, one that doesn’t include addictions. I appreciate your concern and support. I’m still me, but you don’t have to worry about me any longer. Thanks for being my friend.”

What if it doesn’t Work?

What happens if, despite all your carefully thought-out and practiced scenarios, what you say doesn’t have the effect you intend? What if your friends continue to bring up the past? How should you approach the situation?

You could try modifying what you said previously – maybe saying it a little differently, or with more directness. You could walk away. You could tell the person that any discussion of your past is off limits or that you are no longer friends. If the person is your boss or co-worker, you may need to employ a different strategy. Perhaps you will need to change jobs, get a transfer or a new supervisor. If it’s your co-worker, you might also consider asking for a different assignment, a desk in another part of the office, or a transfer. Definitely discuss these types of situations with your counselor and/or support group members – and your significant other or spouse. Changing jobs affects more than just you. It impacts the entire family. It could, however, be just what you need in certain circumstances.

Making a Clean Break

For some individuals in recovery, the only solution is a complete break from the past. No more association with former drinking pals or friends that continuously get high. Moving to another location, a different city, county or state may be an option. Definitely finding a new circle of friends – clean and sober ones – should be in your plans.

Map out your short- and long-term goals. Where do you want to be 6 months, a year, 5 or 10 years from now? What kinds of skills, knowledge, training or degrees do you need? Put together a plan for how to achieve those goals and work toward them every day. Doing so will put you in contact with new people with whom you can potentially form friendships. Don’t limit yourself. At this point in your recovery, you have all your options open. Your future is something that you create for yourself. It’s not something that someone else can do for you. And you shouldn’t ever let someone else’s negative energy or influence shape your life.

Maintain a Positive Outlook

Be optimistic about your future. Embrace each and every day as an opportunity to learn and to grow. Reach out to others and be of service. Getting outside yourself is a great tonic for the blues or sadness that may crop into your thoughts – especially if you now have a lack of close friends with whom to share quality time. Don’t worry. There will be others. Fill your life with meaningful activities, working toward your goals, and be open in spirit.

Generosity of spirit is more than good practice. It rewards the giver with much more than the effort it takes to do it. When you look outside your own concerns and problems and do your best to help another, you are replenished in more ways than you can imagine. It’s called positive spiritual energy. Giving allows you to receive. This simple concept is one of the most profound and can radiate positive results in your life in recovery.

Take it one day at a time. Be positive, be hopeful, have a plan, help others and keep at it. Before long, not only will there be no one bringing up the past, but you won’t think twice about it yourself. After all, today and all your tomorrows are yours to live.

Where Are You in Recovery?

If you are new to recovery, this may be the first time in a long time that you’ve been in a frame of mind to even have a relationship on a deeper level with another individual. This may not be something you want to hear, but now may not be the time to actively pursue a romantic involvement. You may need to give yourself more time to work on your coping skills, give and receive support from your 12-step friends, and work on charting your short-term and long-term goals. Why? The answer is simple. You want to be in a position to freely give and receive love and affection, and not have things clouded by your ongoing work to remain clean and sober. In other words, your focus right now should be on your recovery, as well as envisioning a future that encompasses everything you want – including sharing your life with another.

When you are further along in recovery and to the point where you are actively helping others in their own recovery, you’re in a better position to begin or strengthen a romantic relationship with another person. In fact, it’s probably a much more realistic time for you to meet someone new, someone sober, and with whom you can begin to interact. Still, there’s the nagging question: when is the right time and what do I say?

Examine Your Motives

Before you decide anything, or blurt out your story at the first available opportunity, examine what it is that you want to get out of this relationship. This is not about you being selfish. Rather, it’s about how genuine your feelings are for the other person. If what you are feeling is truly from the heart, you will want to give and do things that make this person happy, that help him or her grow. In other words, you are reaching outside yourself. How different from the days when all you thought about were your own problems, or getting your next drink or keeping your troubles from costing you your job or resulting in financial and legal difficulties. An outer focus instead of an inner focus is a sign of progress in recovery.

But you know you’re an alcoholic. And you’ll always be an alcoholic. Back to your motives, if what you want is something wholesome and good with this individual that you are beginning to care more for, then you can’t really separate the part of yourself that is the alcoholic from the current equation.

Deep inside, you know you have to tell this person the truth. You can avoid the inevitable for a while, but it will come up. It’s best to prepare yourself so that you can speak honestly about your situation.

How Far Along is the Relationship?

Another point to consider is the length of time you have been seeing the other person. If this is someone you’ve just met, you may need a little more time to decide if what you’re experiencing is just a passing friendship, a relationship that may be a long-term friendship, or something a bit more.

Looking at the time you’ve known this individual, has the relationship remained at the casual level – going out to a movie, sporting event, participating in outdoor recreational activities where there are lots of other people? Or has it become more intimate, dinner dates, spending time alone on a more regular basis? If it’s the latter, you’ve already become somewhat emotionally invested in the relationship. This isn’t said to scare you. It’s just a point to keep in mind.

What is the Chemistry?

Do you feel that the other person shares a deepening connection with you? Has this person said so or indicated so by his or her actions? Have you engaged in sexual relations yet? Have you been invited to and spent time with his or her family? Does he or she have children and is there any involvement with them at this time?

The more chemistry you both feel, the more urgent the issue becomes for you to give full disclosure.

What to Say

Only you can decide the right words to use, given your personality and that of the other individual, the situation and circumstances when you elect to tell this person you’re an alcoholic. But, here are some suggestions on how to start:

• There’s something I need to tell you and I want you to know that I’m only telling you because I care about you…
• You might have noticed that when we go out, I only order [coffee, soft drink, water, etc.]. There’s a reason for that…
• At first, I thought that we were just friends, and I didn’t want to get into my past, but now I feel that there’s something more, or there could be something more, and I want to be totally honest with you…
• I really enjoy your company, and it seems to me that you feel the same. So, it’s only right that I tell you a little more about myself, something that I know might make a difference in our relationship…
• We’ve been having such a good time together lately, and I find myself looking forward to seeing you – more than I would have thought at first. To be honest, what I’m about to tell you is something that I wish I didn’t have to, but I don’t want there to be any secrets between us…
• For a long time in my life, I’ve been closed off. I didn’t really want to share my life with anyone. Now that I’ve met you and we’ve spent some time together, I realize that I do want to open myself up. It’s important to me that you know who I am, so that what we have can be based on trust and complete honesty…

What are the Consequences of Disclosure?

Let’s look at this for a moment. It’s a natural fear that once we reveal something painful about ourselves to another that the individual may turn away from us. Telling someone you care about (or are beginning to care about) that you are an alcoholic may, in some instances, frighten that person off. If that’s the case, your relationship with that person would have deteriorated anyway, somewhere down the line. The person simply cannot deal with alcoholism, whether it’s you or someone else. This could be for any number of reasons: stigma, family history, past bad experience with an alcoholic, preconceptions, etc. You can’t change how the person feels or predict how they will react. This is just the price of being honest.

One thing is certain. If you fail to tell the truth and it comes out later – as it will – the consequences will be worse than if you are honest now. Think about it realistically. Wouldn’t you rather know something this profound about a loved one rather than it being kept from you? Caring about another means that you offer full disclosure – no secrets!

What happens after you tell this person that you care about that you are an alcoholic? Individuals react differently. Some will ask a lot of questions, seeking to understand or know what, when, how, how long, etc., what stage of recovery you are in or many details. Others may just take it in and say they need time to think about it. After all, the revelation is a pretty big one. Naturally, it takes time to digest and come to terms with the knowledge.

Maybe there’ll be a cooling off period, or a hiatus, or a total break. You need to be prepared for any and all of them. After some time, the person may come back, having accepted the facts of your circumstance and wanting to proceed with the relationship. Or, they may not be able to commit to an ongoing relationship with you – not necessarily because of your alcoholism, although it could be that, but because of their own attitudes and beliefs about alcoholism and their perceived or actual inability to deal with it.

Again, there’s nothing you can do about the other person’s reaction to what you say or the consequences afterward. When you share this much of yourself with another, it’s scary, painful and fraught with uncertainty. How can it not be? All you can do, then, is to convey how much the person means to you, and how you want to be upfront and honest.

Say what you need to say. Do it sooner rather than later. Be caring, direct, choose your words carefully and speak from the heart. If what you have is the real thing – genuine affection for another – your words and your actions (speaking the truth in a caring manner) will carry a lot of weight. They will mean something to the other person. What it means for your future relationship together is something that you have no control over now.

Above all, believe in yourself. Trust that you will be, by virtue of going through this experience, better able to deal with it in the future. If this relationship doesn’t pan out (for any reason already mentioned or another), there’s probably one ahead of you that will. Finding love and/or a life partner takes a lot of give and take in any circumstance. It’s not unique to an alcoholic. Don’t be so sensitive and don’t take it personally.

Take each day in recovery as a gift and a promise. The gift is that you are in a new stage of your life, one of sobriety. The promise is that you can make your future what you want. Your only limitation is failing to dream. Open yourself up. As you give to others of your time, energy and heart, they will do the same.

Sooner or later, you will meet or connect again with a love interest that accepts you with love. You are an alcoholic, but it does not define who you are today or who you will be tomorrow.

One final point: Enduring love is built on trust. The bedrock or foundation of a lasting relationship is mutual trust and respect. It’s a sign of total integrity, of wholeness and personal growth that you are able to give of yourself and receive in return.
Now, about telling your love interest that you are an alcoholic – what are you waiting for? Make a list of the points you want to convey, practice saying it in a mirror in your most sincere and caring manner. Then, just do it.

Alcoholic Friends Perpetuate Alcoholic Lifestyle

What did you learn in treatment about avoiding the triggers that cause you to drink? One of the most basic is to make drastic changes in your lifestyle. That means you can’t, repeat can’t, be around others who drink.

When you come out of rehab and are in recovery, the worst think you can do is go back to the bar where you hung out 5, 6 or 7 nights a week. Yes, admit it. You probably spent most of your time in places where your so-called friends, drinking buddies, would bend your arm and tell the most outrageous stories. You’d tip back a few beers, followed by a chaser, then switch to hard liquor toward the end – as much as you can remember – before you’d slither out and hope to somehow make it home in one piece.

What do you think those drinking pals are doing right now? Hanging out, doing the same old thing is more than just a guess. It’s a near certainty. They didn’t want to quit, and they won’t, until and maybe when they are down on their knees realizing what a mess they’ve made of their lives.

And you think you can be around them? Not in the cards, not even remotely. Once you step foot back in that bar, that club or hangout where your pals drink, you’re a goner. All your coping skills and techniques will be wiped away like the drink mark the bartender swipes with his cloth. When your pals encourage you to have a real drink, your coffee or tonic won’t suffice. You’ll look enviously at their Ketel One on the rocks with anchovy-stuffed olive, or the cheap whiskey chaser after an ice cold beer. Pretty soon, faster than you think, you signal the bartender to pour you one.

But one’s never enough, not for an alcoholic. In no time flat, you’ve relapsed. You’re right back in the alcoholic lifestyle you worked so hard to escape. There’s just no getting around it. Those drinking buddies are toxic to your sobriety. Just being in the same room with them can kill your newly clean and sober life.

You don’t want that to happen. But what can you do about it?

Make Use Of Your Support System

Without question, you need help. The best place to turn is your support group, either Alcoholics Anonymous or another non-step support group you joined and participate in regularly following your release from treatment. If you haven’t yet joined, do so immediately. These are people who know what you’re going through, since they’ve been there themselves.
Many support groups have a buddy system, where you’re paired with someone whom you can call on at any hour of the day or night. Your support buddy will help you through the tough times you may experience in recovery. They know all about the cravings to drink that plague you – often at the most unexpected times, some of which may include:

• You hear a song on the radio while you’re driving, and it reminds you of a particularly enjoyable evening with your drinking friends.
• Or you see a TV ad for vodka where all the beautiful people are laughing and having fun and you want to be there, too.
• Maybe it’s a sound of ice tinkling in a glass that you hear when you’re out at a restaurant with your colleagues from work and your mind races to the sound of liquor sloshing over ice cubes.
• Maybe it’s the smell of cigarette smoke and booze you detect as you pass the bar section on your way to the restroom.
• You’re home alone and feeling sorry for yourself. You can’t stop the negative thoughts from running through your head.
• Your drinking pals call or show up to get you to party with them and your resolve starts to falter.

What You Need To Do

Sorry to say, those drinking friends have to become a thing of the past. You need to sever all ties with those so-called pals who really have nothing to offer the newly-clean and sober you. They will be your downfall. To continue to see them will make it next to impossible for you to stay sober. You’ve already gone through what may have been the most difficult time of your life: detox, treatment and now, in recovery. You can’t just throw that away.
Break all ties, cleanly and quickly. If you feel you must, you can tell them by phone why you won’t see them anymore. You are clean and sober – and are determined to stay that way. This may encourage one or more of them to also quit, but don’t count on it. In fact, be prepared for the excuses and enticements to get back into the drinking groove. Politely but firmly decline and end the call. You’ve made your point. You don’t owe them anything else.

Find new and sober friends. As mentioned earlier, start with your allies at your support group. But branch out from there. Here are some suggestions on where/how to find clean and sober friends:

• Work Colleagues – People you interact with at work are a great choice. You see them regularly and have reason to be in situations that are productive and healthy. You aren’t likely to want to jeopardize your job by engaging in self-destructive behavior, but do seek out people who you know don’t drink.
• Family Introductions – No, this doesn’t necessarily mean a blind date, although it could. Family members can serve as a great resource for introductions to people who may have the same interests, or hobbies, or would like to share recreational and/or cultural opportunities. It’s worth a try. Besides, you won’t know if you don’t give it a chance.
• Former College Or School Friends – Look up some of your former college, high school or school friends or individuals whom you admired. Many are members of the social network Facebook or My Space, and it’s easy to connect with them and see what they’re doing now. Interact via the Internet for a while to ensure they’re the kind of individual you want to spend time with. If personal emails get into talk of drinking and doing drugs, discontinue contact. But if the individual seems receptive to further communication and getting together, and they don’t appear to be drinkers, by all means try to set something up.
• Recreational Pursuits – Get a pair of hiking boots, buy a parasail, skis, boogie board, something. If you like to play basketball, find a group that gets together to do that.
• Exercise – Physical exercise is a terrific way to release the body’s natural endorphins – making you feel good physically and emotionally. When your body’s juices are flowing and your cardio’s going great, you just naturally start to think of things in a more positive light. Join a gym, work out at home, and even take a 30-minute brisk walk around the subdivision or in a park or trail near your home. Go to the beach and swim, hike along the water, kayak, canoe, sail, and fish. There’s lots to do outdoors year-round – and you’ll find many new friends in the process.
• Hobbies – Like making model airplanes or cars? How about model train collecting? Buy and sell things for your collection on eBay. Or get into cleaning out your trash and treasures by making a little profit selling them on eBay. Finding a hobby and others who engage in the same hobby can lead to some great and constructive friendships.

One Day At A Time

Remember, you have to put in your time every day to maintain your sobriety. It isn’t always easy, and it isn’t always so difficult. Some days will be harder than others. The key to success is to take your sobriety one day at a time. It doesn’t matter if you are not religious or spiritual or have a belief in a higher power. It does matter that you have an abiding belief in yourself and your ability to stick to your resolve to remain abstinent.

You were down on your own knees once and not that long ago. Now you realize what a life free of alcohol can mean and, guess what? You did it through your own strength and determination. Reaffirm your commitment every day. Say it aloud to yourself when you get up. Place the conscious thought in the forefront of your mind so you can refer to it during the day or night whenever you start to feel the urge or craving to drink. Distract yourself. Call your support network or your trusted allies. Never wallow in self-pity or allow yourself to stay depressed or alone.

One day at a time. That’s all it requires. Keep this in mind. You made it to today. Today will become tomorrow. Sobriety is the best thing for the rest of your life in recovery.