Why 12-Step Meetings are Important

So much can go wrong during your first months of recovery, with everything so fresh and new, and finding yourself often inundated with raw emotions and painful situations you feel ill-equipped to deal with yet. It’s one thing to have a bit of relapse prevention training under your belt from your days during treatment, but it’s another thing altogether to really put those skills to practice in the real world. Suddenly, what you learned seems foreign and too difficult to follow. Most of all, you feel a great sense of uncertainty and anxiety about making the right choices.

Furthermore, you don’t have the structure and schedule that you lived with during your active treatment phase, especially if you went to a residential treatment facility. Now, you’re all on your own, and it’s often a scary and frightening place to be.
First things first: Get yourself to a 12-step meeting. This is the one constant and ongoing support network that you have readily available to you. It doesn’t matter where you are in the United States, there’s likely one or more 12-step groups meeting in your area. There are even 12-step groups meeting regularly in numerous foreign countries and U.S. territories. You also don’t have to physically be in the room to participate, although in-person, in-the-room networking is always the best. Most 12-step fellowships offer online and teleconference meetings for those who can’t make it to a meeting location or need emergency assistance in the form of instant meeting.

Here are some other reasons why 12-step meetings are important:

• They can save your sanity: When things are all haywire in your life and you don’t know where to turn, you always have the support and encouragement of your fellow 12-step members. Just sitting in the room and listening to others talk about their struggles and strategies to overcome difficult challenges can reassure you that you’re not losing your mind. There really is something to this community of individuals all committed to helping one another maintain their sobriety. No, the participants aren’t counselors, and 12-step meetings aren’t a form of treatment, but they are invaluable. They’re a support group of your peers, people just like you who are going through the day-to-day issues of working their recovery.

• No judgments are offered: In the 12-step rooms, everyone is equal. Who you are in real life is insignificant. It’s the fact that you’re committed to your recovery and to helping others maintain theirs. Recovery isn’t a straight-line process, all constantly positive and instantly successful. It takes a lot of hard work and there are often little detours or setbacks as you try out various strategies to deal with certain issues or problems. As you become more comfortable and are willing to talk about your struggles in the room, you can be assured that whatever you say, you won’t get any judgments back from the other meeting participants.

• Find others in recovery who share your particular addiction: Just as you received treatment for your particular addiction at a facility that specialized in such treatment, you also can participate in 12-step meetings whose focus is recovery from that particular addiction. If you’re a recovering alcoholic, your primary 12-step meeting would be Alcoholics Anonymous. If you have a gambling addiction, you will likely attend Gamblers Anonymous. If you have multiple addictions (alcohol, drugs, compulsive sexual behavior, eating disorder, and so on), you can attend meetings for each of them. The point is that you want to be in fellowships where you can relate to the other members – and they to you – because you share similar problems and issues in recovery.

• Group sharing helps the individual: It’s often said that there’s great power in numbers. Nowhere is this truer than in 12-step group meetings. There’s something about listening to one member’s story, everyone nodding in acknowledgement (they’ve all been there), and offering a comforting word or supportive handshake. Just being able to verbalize the knot of emotions and difficulties involved in things like coping with urges, unexpected visits from former friends who are still using or other challenges often helps lift your spirits. Someone in the room may even have some practical advice or solution that worked for them – and may very well work for you. Brainstorming back and forth in working sessions often results in numerous strategies that may prove useful. This is so much better than sitting around at home stewing over a problem and not knowing what to do about it.

• They’re free: Whether you attended a residential addiction treatment program or got treatment on an outpatient basis, no doubt there were significant costs involved. Some addicts who feel they can’t afford treatment, either because they don’t have insurance or insurance doesn’t cover treatment, or because of family hardship, go to 12-step meetings to at least get some idea of how recovery works. While no treatment occurs at meetings, the fellowship is very supportive. Best of all, the meetings don’t cost anything. The only requirements to joining are a genuine commitment to maintaining sobriety and helping others do the same.

Tips on Working the Meeting Rooms

There’s no right way or wrong way to participate in 12-step meetings, but as you rack up attendance in different meetings, you will become aware of ways to best utilize the meetings. Here are a few tips on working the room to maximize your benefits – and those of the other participants.

• Be courteous and respectful: No matter what is said in the room – and sometimes there are heated discussions or things can get very emotional – always be courteous and respectful of others. You may not particularly like a speaker, for whatever reason, but you can always learn something valuable – if you listen to the message.

• Keep confidences: It goes without saying that what’s said in the 12-step rooms is confidential. It’s also anonymous, which should give you a great deal of comfort that what you say won’t get out to society at large. Still, these are groups of individuals, and the temptation to gossip isn’t something that 12-step members are immune to. To uphold the principles and philosophy of your 12-step groups, always strive to keep confidences. Just as you want your heartfelt and personal comments kept within the group, so, too should you keep whatever you hear in the room to yourself.

• Don’t be critical: Just because you don’t like something another member has to say or feel that they’re going about their recovery all wrong, keep your criticism to yourself. The whole purpose of being in these rooms is to be supportive of your own and others’ efforts in recovery. This means that you don’t criticize the choices someone else makes. You may, however, offer words of encouragement and support. That’s what most in recovery need, especially newcomers. They don’t have the answers.
That’s why they’re coming to meetings.

• Don’t feel you have to share right away: When you first start going to 12-step meetings, don’t feel you have to spill your guts out right away. It takes time to feel comfortable enough to want to say anything more than your first name. You’re there to listen and absorb, to get a handle on how all this works and whether or not the particular meeting feels right to you. At a certain point, when you do feel like you’re fitting in, you may wish to talk a bit about your story. No one will ever force you to do so. So, don’t worry about when the time will be right. You’ll know when it is.

• Try several different meetings: It may take going to several different meetings to find one that seems to click for you. Whether it’s the people who attend or the location or time or something you can’t quite put your finger on, some meetings just feel more comfortable than others. And, it may very well be that at some point, the meeting you didn’t like to begin with will become just the right meeting later on in your recovery. It’s also important to keep variety in your meetings. Why is this important? When you see the same people over and over again at your meetings, you may tend to tune out what they’re saying. Maybe they say the same things over and over again, and you don’t think you’re getting anything out of it. By going to different meetings, you solve that problem. You’ll have multiple networks of 12-step allies, all helping you in your goal of maintaining sobriety.

• 90 in 90: If you’re new to recovery, you may not be familiar with the 90-in-90 rule. Basically, it means attending 90 meetings in 90 days. Sounds like a lot, doesn’t it? The reason for the rule is that the first months of recovery are often filled with pitfalls. Relapse is common, especially among those who may not have enough coping skills practice. The discipline of attending at least one meeting every day – and you can certainly attend all the meetings you like in a day (meetings are available morning, noon, and night somewhere in your area) – helps you keep needed structure in your life. It also means that you’re always in the presence of others in recovery who can help you keep your priorities straight.

• Find a sponsor: Everyone in 12-step meetings needs a sponsor. A sponsor is someone who’s been in successful recovery for at least one year. Ideally, you’ll look for a sponsor with whom you can relate, someone whom you admire for their ability to overcome the challenges of early recovery, someone with whom you feel comfortable sharing your own issues and thoughts. It may take a while for you to find this individual, and you can always change sponsors if it doesn’t work out. The value of your sponsor is that this is someone that you can call on when you really need help – in the middle of the night, if necessary. In early recovery, your sponsor is the closest thing that you have to a lifeline – in addition to your therapist or counselor if aftercare or continuing care is part of your treatment program. So, while you’re attending various 12-step meetings, pay attention to the various individuals and speakers with whom you may share interests. If you like what one member has to say and he or she has been sober for a year or longer, approach that person and ask if he or she will be your sponsor.

• How to avoid conflicts: Recovery is unique for everyone. Some seem to take to it naturally, while others struggle and slip again and again until they finally seem to get into the process. Understandably, there are bound to be conflicts that arise. When people get emotional, sometimes they say things that others may find objectionable or harsh. It isn’t that they mean to, but all that pent-up emotion and frustration and guilt and shame and rejection that someone feels has to come out somehow. Avoid taking anything personally. If you find that a conflict emerges with another meeting attendee, try to remain calm. You may wish to alternate your attendance at that meeting to days and times when the individual doesn’t attend, or change meetings. There’s nothing that says you’re going to always like everyone in attendance in the rooms. That’s just highly unlikely. But what is true is that potential conflicts can be nipped in the bud. Always take the higher ground. And, if you inadvertently say something you wish you hadn’t, be upfront and apologize to the individual and/or the group as soon as possible.

• Find gender-specific or special group meetings: You don’t have to feel intimidated by going to a mostly-male 12-step meeting or one that has men and women that aren’t in your age group. The good news about 12-step meetings is that there are sections of many chapters that have been created to specifically address the needs of particular groups. There are women-only meetings, meetings for gay and lesbian individuals, meetings for young people, and those for senior citizens. To find such meetings, look at the websites of the 12-step groups and check out what may be available.

• Maintain a home meeting location: While you attend various 12-step meetings, you should have one particular meeting that you commit to attending each week. This is known as your home meeting. Committing to a home meeting will help keep you grounded. It is a place filled with other 12-step members who know you and constantly have your back. In your recovery journey, it’s important to have this familiar and reassuring element to keep you focused on your future in sobriety.

How Long Should You Attend?

Many newcomers to recovery and 12-step group attendance wonder how long they’ll have to attend. There’s no right answer to this question. The fact is that after you attend meetings for about a year, you should continue to attend them for as long as you feel that you are getting something out of them. Many individuals continue to go to meetings for years or even decades after they’ve been successfully in recovery. They have built a community for themselves that keeps them on track.

At some point, however, when you feel that you are fully grounded in your recovery principles and have completed all your 12 steps, you may wish to give back. At this point in your recovery, you may wish to or are asked to become a sponsor. You may find yourself leading meetings, organizing workshops, helping out in job fairs or providing other services unique to your background and capabilities. You may even wind up starting your own meeting in an area that desperately needs one.
Some individuals with years of recovery go on to study and become alcohol and drug abuse counselors. Others write books on their personal recovery in order to help others.

Bottom line: How long you attend 12-step meetings is really up to you. Remember that recovery is a lifelong process. You can come and go in meetings, be away for extended periods, and come back again to find that the rooms still work for you. The 12-step meeting works because of the generosity of spirit of attendees and the overall commitment to sobriety. It has been that way since the founding of the first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and all subsequent 12-step fellowships. It will always be that way. This, in itself, is a tremendous example of the solid support that 12-step fellowships offer for all those in recovery.

Honesty is the Best Policy – But…

Deception, keeping things from those we care about, glossing over the truth and hoping it won’t come back to bite us is a dangerous path to take. The more lies you tell, the more difficult it becomes to keep track of them. If you tell one version of your background to one person, or a group of people, say your boss and co-workers, another to your family, and another yet to new acquaintances, how are you going to remember what you said to whom? What happens when these people interact and the contradictions in your past come to light? What do you think happens then – to your credibility, reputation, trustworthiness, and reliability?

You might jeopardize or ruin your chances for a promotion, or lose a lucrative potential contract. Your spouse or significant other could feel, and rightly so, betrayed and unsure of the foundation and nature of your relationship. If there are children involved, or the desire to have children, not knowing about your addiction could pose serious questions about family heredity and genetics.
How should you handle the truth about your past? How much detail should you go into, and when is the appropriate time to even have a discussion about your addiction?

It would be wonderful to state that you should always be truthful. But the fact is that not everyone has a right to know about things that happened in your past – certainly not the stranger on the street or very casual acquaintances. Some things are best kept closer to the vest. That’s the “but” in the strategy.

Let’s take an example. You should be prepared to state honestly, if the situation warrants it, that you had a problem with alcohol, received treatment and have been sober for the past 10 years. Be straightforward and don’t go into details. Briefness is best. After all, no one is perfect. We all have challenges, obstacles, and missteps in our past that we’ve had to deal with. Thanks to a greater awareness that addiction is a treatable disease, today there is much less stigma attached to it than in years past. Nonetheless, there still is a stigma about addiction. So, if the other person seems to take it as a matter of fact and doesn’t pursue the subject, consider that you’ve said enough.

What About Loved Ones?

The closer your relationships, the more honest you need to be. This just stands to reason. They’re bound to find out at some point anyway, so why try to hide your addiction? You don’t need to be blatant about it, parading your sobriety like a badge of honor. This makes others nervous, as if you have something you’re trying to prove to yourself. Save your declarations about your sobriety for your 12-step group meetings. That’s where it really belongs. Your fellow 12-step members have all been in your shoes and understand the stresses, cravings, urges, and tough times every addict faces in recovery. They’re also uniquely qualified to help you through their support and encouragement. They don’t ask anything in return, and aren’t going to jeopardize your relationships, job or social standing. Again, choose where you want to be the most open and direct.

Your spouse, partner or significant other deserves to know the most about your addiction. This is your life mate, the person with whom you share more than just your physical bonding. He or she should already know about your past, but if you’ve kept it secret up to this point, now’s the time to get it out in the open.

While it’s understandable that you would feel like this would be a bombshell that could end the relationship, it’s worth taking the risk in order to strengthen your union. The question no longer becomes one of if you should tell your spouse/partner/significant other, but when and how. Here you have a lot of discretion and latitude. You still need to pick the time, place and manner of delivery.

Tips for Telling Your Spouse the Truth

Think about what pleases your spouse the most. Is it a romantic dinner for two or a getaway to a favorite vacation spot? Does your spouse really love a thoughtful gift, flowers, or a pre-paid spa appointment? What about season passes to a nearby ski resort or a membership in a golf club? Is the best time over coffee at sunset or during a picnic lunch at a lakeside park?
Make a list of all the ideas you can come up with. Next, look over the list and see which ones are the most doable. By this, we don’t mean the easiest, but the ones that you believe will result in the receptiveness or willingness to listen to what you have to say. The timing and time of the revelation should be when you are alone together. Do not have any distractions or pressing appointments that will interfere with a solid discussion. This is true even if your spouse asks for time to think about it before discussing it further. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Wouldn’t you want time to think about such an admission before blurting out your reactions?

Prioritize the list and choose the one that seems to provide the most likely positive result. By this we mean that you’ve selected a time, place and manner that will set up the situation so that you can have a private and personal discussion about your addiction. The best advice about talking with your spouse about your addiction is to be loving and honest. Demonstrate your affection before you begin talking about the situation, and ask that your partner hear you out. You may also wish to say that you want him or her to take as much time as necessary to think about it before venturing any comment or opinion, and that you will answer any questions when they are ready.

Be Prepared for Tough Questions

Of course, having made the statement that you’d answer any questions, you need to be ready and willing to do so. Be prepared for some tough ones. The discussion may be hard for your spouse to initiate, and he or she may not do it at the most appropriate time. If possible, change your schedule to be able to accommodate the more in-depth conversation that you need to have with your spouse. If it’s not possible to go into it at the moment your spouse brings it up, specify a time that’s mutually agreeable and then stick to it.

Here are some of the questions that may pop up:

• When was the last time you used (drugs, alcohol), or engaged in addictive behavior (gambling, compulsive sex)?
• How long were you addicted? How long before I met you were you addicted?
• What age were you when you first began using drugs and/or alcohol?
• Were you ever arrested?
• Have you ever had any sexually transmitted disease? How long ago were you tested?
• Did you undergo formal treatment for your addiction?
• Did you ever suffer a relapse?
• Have you ever had serious financial difficulties, legal problems, lose a job or promotion as a result of your addiction?
• Is your condition inherited? Is your father, mother or some other close relative an addict as well?

Where to Go Next – After You’ve Had the Discussion

If you have a generally good relationship with your spouse, you should feel a great sense of relief that this secret about your addiction is finally out in the open – between the two of you. This takes a tremendous burden off you and, while it’s understandably not something your spouse would be pleased about, the fact that you have revealed it says a lot about your strength of character and integrity – as well as your love.

You trust in your spouse’s willingness to accept you for who you are, just as you would be willing to accept anything in his or her past. Another point to be made is that you should ask for your partner’s help in going forward. This gives your spouse the opportunity to acknowledge what it took for you to get this off your chest and to share it with the person you most care about. Your spouse may even say something like this: We can work through this together. Reiterate that recovery is a day to day process, and you appreciate the understanding, consideration and willingness to be a part of it.

What happens if your spouse, after you’ve revealed your addiction, says this is something they really can’t deal with? You need to be ready to accept this on the face of it. Very often spouses need some period of time for the knowledge of your addiction to sink in, to come to terms with how they feel about it and whether it compromises your overall relationship to the point of dissolution or separation.

Whatever the reaction, you have to be ready for it. If your spouse rejects you – temporarily or permanently – after you talk about your addiction, it doesn’t reflect on you as a person. It doesn’t make you bad or worthless or undeserving of his or her love. It doesn’t mean that your life is over, or that you will suffer an immediate relapse, lose your standing in the community or be rejected by your friends. You should, however, seek the encouragement and support from your aftercare counselor and/or your 12-step group sponsor and members.

A Few Words About Being Open With Friends

Depending on the length and closeness of your friendship, decide when and how to say anything about your addiction. Naturally, if you are an alcoholic in recovery, you will need to avoid circumstances where everyone is drinking. If you’ve been avoiding going to the bar with co-workers who are friends after work on Friday nights, for example, at some point you may wish to say that you’re an alcoholic and you now live a life of sobriety.

If you had a problem with marijuana or cocaine and friends light up a joint or snort coke in your presence, the first thing you should do is leave. At another time, you may wish to inform them that you once did drugs but are now sober – and intend to stay that way. Ask them not to do drugs in your presence. Tell them that it may affect your relationship if they continue to do so.

Former problem or addicted gamblers can’t take the chance of dropping a few casual bets or buying some Lotto tickets. If friends ask you to get in on the football pool or go to the casino, tell them you don’t bet. You may or may not want to say you were a compulsive gambler. As long as you have received treatment for your addiction and are in recovery, there’s no need to go into detail about your gambling addiction. What’s the point? It will just give them something to talk about – and gossip is not in your best interest.

Of course, if you have a very close friend with whom you share many interests, similar outlook and have discussed many confidences, perhaps this is one person that you may wish to tell of your addiction. Weigh and balance what feels right to you and act accordingly.

What About a New Love Interest?

Again, timing is everything. Gauge how receptive the person may be to the revelation and whether you should bring it up at this time. If you do think the time is right, say something simple and direct. I had a problem with heroin (or marijuana or ecstasy or LSD, etc.) in the past, but I’m so glad that’s in my past. I’ve been clean and sober ever since. But, don’t say this unless it is true. If you still have a problem and either haven’t sought treatment, or began it and quit, or have relapsed, maybe this isn’t the time to get involved with someone new. It’s not fair to either of you. And, if you fall into this category, you really need to get some professional help – and pronto.

Attitude is Everything

Finally, having the discussion with others – any others – about your addiction depends a great deal on your attitude. If you are positive, upbeat, and have an openness and straightforward attitude, it will serve you better than if you are down in the dumps, depressed, anxious, and nervous. How you portray yourself to others helps them calculate whether the knowledge of your addiction is something that is truly in your past or something that will potentially bring problems.

Look forward to meeting new people and to continued lasting relationships with your current friends. Remember that you are not defined by your addiction. Your life in recovery is what you make it. You are the person you have chosen to be – one who is clean and sober. Your life choices and everyday actions, even your friends, are impacted by this decision to live your life free of addiction. Celebrate that fact and move forward. You will find that you are no longer troubled by how open you can be about your addiction.

Aftercare Defined

Aftercare refers to programs that are designed to provide counseling on an ongoing basis for patients (or clients) who have already completed treatment in either a residential or intensive outpatient program for addiction.

Most aftercare programs require clients to have been chemically abstinent for some period of time prior to admission. Usually, aftercare programs immediately follow treatment and are based on a personalized plan for the individual. The client’s counselor may have the individual set recovery and life goals while still in treatment, including writing out a sober plan of action for early sobriety.

Why Aftercare is So Critical

Overcoming months or years of addiction isn’t easy for anyone. Going through treatment for the addiction is often a life-saving blessing. But it’s just the first step in an ongoing process toward recovery. Addicts are never “cured” of their addiction. They learn to understand the basis for their addiction, contributing factors, how to cope with and manage cravings and temptations, and to develop more healthy behaviors that will sustain them on their path toward recovery.

While in treatment, clients become used to a certain structure, a regular schedule of activities, duties, even recreational time. Once treatment is finished, however, there’s often a vacuum. The person is now out in the world, having to deal with situations and feelings that they may not be confident enough they can handle. In fact, relapse is a concern during the first six months following treatment. For this reason, addiction professionals recommend patients participate in an aftercare program for at least six months after they’ve completed a treatment program. Referral to a sober living environment may also be advised.

Besides regularly scheduled meetings and counseling, aftercare includes group activities during which the individual in recovery interacts with peers. This peer support and the relationships formed during abstinence-based activities often prove invaluable to persons in recovery. Alumni-based and 12-step meetings in the community are also part of aftercare programs.

Types of Aftercare Programs

Many drug and alcohol treatment facilities offer aftercare programs as part of the personalized treatment program for the client. This could be a residential treatment program or an intensive outpatient treatment program. In effect, the aftercare program becomes a continuation or extension of the initial treatment. While each aftercare program is unique, depending on the philosophy and structure of the organization, common services provided include counseling, one-on-one and group meetings, lectures and educational discussion, recreational and social activities.

As to types of aftercare programs available, these also differ depending on the facility or entity providing the aftercare program. There are aftercare programs that are designed for adolescents only, or for adults only, or for men or women only. Some are specifically for those recovering from substance abuse, while others may include may include other addictions or disorders.

Aspects of a Typical Aftercare Program

Sessions or group meetings are scheduled on convenient days and times, in order to best meet the client’s schedule. Programs include interactive process sessions, practical instruction and group support.

Sessions may include the following (although this list is not all-inclusive):

• Relapse prevention skills
• Understanding the risks and problems involved in recovery
• Development of relationship skills
• Stress, anxiety and anger management
• Family dynamics
• Coping mechanisms for dealing with issues related to abstinence
• Addressing triggers
• Reminders of activities that are helpful to maintain serenity in a chaotic (or tempting) environment
• Learning from others who are successful in their sobriety how they achieved their goals
• Vocational education or job skills development

Some aftercare programs may include retreats and recreational activities throughout the year.
In addition, random and infrequent testing for drug and/or alcohol use may be part of the aftercare program.

Alumni/aftercare includes alumni of the aftercare program who are business people and community leaders. These individuals often serve as valuable resources to new clients in aftercare, helping them identify employment opportunities. Alumni also serve as role models to those newly enrolled in the aftercare program.

Adolescent Aftercare Program for Substance Abuse

Programs for young adults recovering from substance abuse focus on the unique needs of the individuals recovering from drug and/or alcohol abuse/dependence and who need to accept personal responsibility. Such aftercare programs emphasize recovery from the substance abuse/dependence, academic components, responsibility as an integral part of young adulthood, and recreation as an important element of a healthy, balanced life free of drugs or alcohol.

A big part of the aftercare program involves recovery. The young person needs to:

• Understand their addiction and learn relapse prevention skills
• Learn to recognize their emotions and regulate emotional responses to triggers
• Become aware of irresponsible thinking patterns and the connection to substance abuse
• Participate in recreational activities to stave off boredom

Developing a sense of personal responsibility includes:

• Understanding how their emotions interact with the family
• Developing healthy habits and behaviors based on a daily structure – which also helps develop skills for independent living
• Goal-setting and rewards – to help develop positive self-esteem and a sense of accomplishment
• Developing health personal habits – to promote self-responsibility for physical and emotional health

Recreation is an essential part of the aftercare program for adolescents and young adults since boredom is one of the chief triggers to relapse. Aftercare recreational programs teach clients how to have fun without alcohol or drugs. With year-round recreational programs, clients can develop regular exercise routines, learn new hobbies or develop new interests – all in an effort to promote a healthy sense of self and positive mental health.

Lifetime Aftercare

Individuals who have completed primary care at certain treatment facilities may participate in what is known as lifetime aftercare, or weekly aftercare meetings. Such clients have usually completed residential, day or outpatient treatment programs.
Lifetime aftercare generally consists of weekly (or regularly scheduled) group meetings facilitated by an experienced counselor. The facilitator assists clients in meeting their individual recovery plans and offers guidance in their recovery efforts. The group meetings provide clients with support and feedback from the facilitator and other participants, and a forum in which they can explore obstacles and issues they face on a daily basis as well as successes.

Alumni meetings and events, including picnics, activities and new-client sponsorships are also part of many lifetime aftercare programs. Ongoing support in lifetime aftercare programs involves alumni, staff, clients, families and the community.

Best Outcomes of Aftercare Programs

The most important part of a successful aftercare program for the individual who’s involved in it is how it helps prepare them to stand on their own. They need to find empowerment that they can live their own lives free of being dependent on any chemical substance or addiction. They need to know that they are the ones who control their own destiny, who chart their own future – and that they’re not relegated or destined to a prescribed scenario as envisioned by others.

Just as no one else but the addict can choose to become sober, only the recovering addict can choose to remain in sobriety. No amount of treatment, lectures, peer influence or family exhortations can make the ultimate difference. It’s the individual who chooses. In this sense, aftercare programs that foster this sense of self-confidence and self-esteem in the recovering individual provide the opportunity for the best outcomes.

Statistics show that individuals who regularly attend aftercare, therapy and 12-step meetings are significantly less likely to return to former self-destructive behaviors than if they only participated in one of these.

What Happens When Aftercare is Done?

Unless the client is involved in a lifetime aftercare program, sooner or later (6 months to a year or longer) the program is done. The client is now completely on their own, left to struggle with daily challenges, temptations, obstacles and triggers. Or are they? Actually, there is always additional support that comes from continued attendance and participation in 12-step group meetings. In fact, 12-step meetings are almost always part of aftercare programs and, although the aftercare program ends, the 12-step meetings can and should go on for an extended period of time.

Some individuals in recovery report that they continue to participate in 12-step meetings as a way of giving back. They seek to provide support to other individuals new to recovery – just as they received support in their early days of sobriety. Others regularly attend meetings, whether at home or around the world when traveling for business or pleasure, as a means of reinforcement, or a way of staying connected and grounded to what’s important in their lives – sobriety.

Sometimes, individuals just need a friend, someone who understands, and someone who’s been through the same type of experience. Whether it’s today, next week or next year, something may happen that rocks the carefully-established foundation of sobriety and the person in recovery needs help. Again, help and support – or an understanding ear to listen – is always available in the appropriate 12-step group. Friends, sponsors and those the recovering addict meets during these meetings may be the lifeline that keeps them firmly rooted in sobriety – or helps them out during periods of crisis.

What Should Be Hoped For?

Life should be about joy and discovery. Following treatment and participation in aftercare, the individual in recovery should make plans for the future that continually evolve. Once certain short- or long-term goals are met – make new ones. Enrichment, personal satisfaction, realization of long-held dreams, meeting someone with whom to have a lasting romantic relationship – all of these and more are what the recovering addict should hope for.

In other words, have faith that you can achieve the dreams, plans and goals that you set for yourself. Rediscover the joy in daily life that you may have missed or overlooked during your addiction. Find the love that is ready and waiting for you once you are open to receive it. What are your limits? There are none, really. Open yourself up to all the possibilities and embrace your future in sobriety.

In summary, individuals who are nearing completion or are about to complete treatment should work with their individual counselor to develop a personalized aftercare program. Plan to participate in the aftercare program for a minimum of six months following treatment – or as long as the client feels necessary. Attend 12-step meetings in conjunction with and following aftercare programs. Create goals and constantly revise them, adding new ones as opportunities arise. Be open to new possibilities and be ready to embrace them.

Differentiate Between True Friends and Not-so-true Friends

One thing for you to determine – even before you strategize which response to use to deal with the mention of your past – is how good a friend is this? Do you have a long-term relationship that’s important for you to maintain? Did you grow up with this individual, go to school, serve in the military, play sports or engage in other activities that brought you in close contact for years? Do you work with this person? Or, is this someone with whom you’re only casually acquainted, a person with whom you don’t really have much in common?

These are important differentiators because they will help you map out your response or action when the person talks about your past. Obviously, if the relationship is significant to you, you’ll want to employ a different tactic than if it’s one you can afford to (or should) lose.

Work Out Strategy in Advance

Figuring out how best to deal with unpleasant or self-destructive situations is something you learned during rehab. Sometimes these lessons need revisiting, especially since learning something – and even practicing it in group therapy – is a lot different than actually having to use it in real life. If you have continuing counseling sessions with your therapist as part of your aftercare program, discuss coping mechanisms and strategies you can employ in this situation. Role-play what the person says and your potential responses to it. Which ones seem more effective? How are they different depending on the importance of the friendship?

Private psychotherapy or one-on-one counseling, independent of or in place of aftercare, can also help with this issue – and many others that are bound to come up in your recovery.

Part of your post-treatment regimen is more than likely attendance and participation in 12-step support groups. Use the resources available to you to discuss how to handle this situation with your sponsor and/or other members of your support group – particularly those with whom you share similar background or experiences. They can prove invaluable as sounding boards. What works for one person may not work for you, but it can serve as a brainstorming session for you to devise your own plan.

Practice what you’ll Say

Knowing what you’re going to say is a good first step. But you also need to practice saying it. This is important so that your delivery matches your words. You don’t want to come off as defensive or argumentative or dismissive if the relationship means a lot to you. But you do need to be forceful and direct. The other person should have no doubt about the fact that discussion of your past is not a topic you care to address.

Depending on how well you know the individual, you can probably ascertain their motivation for bringing up what are obviously painful memories for you. This may help you develop the appropriate words to say to the person. Again, discuss various scenarios and verbiage with your counselor and/or support group members. You may even want to discuss and practice it with your significant other – with whom you’ve probably already had some occasion to go into what’s happened in your past in some detail (during family or couples therapy, joint counseling sessions and private conversations between the two of you).
Does the other person want to hurt you – because you’ve hurt them or because they have a vindictive streak? Do they want you to relapse? Yes, this is a tough thing to say, but some people don’t want others to be in recovery. If they continue to drink or use drugs, it makes them look bad because they’re either not ready or may be too weak to quit themselves. As you already know from your time in treatment, these are friends you really need to ditch. They will serve no useful purpose in your recovery and, chances are, will do everything they can to get you to fail. Potential things you can say may include:

• “There is no point bringing up the past. That’s over and done with. End of story.”
• “I’m not going to discuss what happened before, not with you. If you can’t respect my wishes, then I can’t associate with you.”
• “Your lifestyle and mine are no longer compatible. I’m not going to [drink and do drugs] any longer, and I choose not to be around others that do. I hope you understand, but if you don’t, it’s not going to change my decision.”
You might even call them on their game, if you feel that may deflect the barbs. That’s up to you. Perhaps say something like the following:
• “I’ve known you for a long time and what you’re trying to do is drag me down to your level. It won’t work.”
• “What’s past is past and I’m not going to indulge in your game of ‘how good it was.’ It wasn’t. It was an addiction, and that’s not part of my life any longer.”
• “I think you’re jealous that I’ve quit [drugs and alcohol], or maybe you just can’t stand to see me happy. I’m sorry you feel that way, but that’s your problem, not mine. I have a new life, one that I’ve chosen.”

Well-meaning friends also sometimes can’t help themselves. They may be curious how you got off drugs or alcohol, and bringing up the past may be their way of broaching the subject. There is a natural curiosity about what goes on in rehab that’s so alien to most people’s frame of reference. Of course, this is private for you, and what or how much you want to share is purely your decision. Again, it depends on how significant the relationship with this person is and what can be gained by being forthcoming – or not. You might say something like:

• “I know you’re probably curious about how I was able to kick my habit, and at some point we may be able to have a discussion about it. But now is not the time, and I hope you’ll respect my wishes and not bring up things that happened in the past.”
• “Thank you for your concern. I appreciate your friendship and the fact that you support my recovery. I am now living in the present, so I would appreciate it if you refrain from discussing things that happened in the past.”
What if the friend is also your boss or someone with whom you work closely every day? Your words may have to take on a different tone, especially with someone who has the power to fire or demote you or pass you over for promotion (however deserved). Consider carefully what to say, but here are some suggestions:
• To your boss: “I appreciate your support while I was in treatment. That’s been very important to me and it helped me tremendously. I want you to know that I’m working on my sobriety every day, attending my meetings and putting into practice what I’ve learned. You have my commitment to continue on this path of sobriety.”
• To your co-worker: “I’ve been in treatment and learned a great deal about how to cope with stresses and triggers. Let’s just say that I have a new life plan now, one that doesn’t include addictions. I appreciate your concern and support. I’m still me, but you don’t have to worry about me any longer. Thanks for being my friend.”

What if it doesn’t Work?

What happens if, despite all your carefully thought-out and practiced scenarios, what you say doesn’t have the effect you intend? What if your friends continue to bring up the past? How should you approach the situation?

You could try modifying what you said previously – maybe saying it a little differently, or with more directness. You could walk away. You could tell the person that any discussion of your past is off limits or that you are no longer friends. If the person is your boss or co-worker, you may need to employ a different strategy. Perhaps you will need to change jobs, get a transfer or a new supervisor. If it’s your co-worker, you might also consider asking for a different assignment, a desk in another part of the office, or a transfer. Definitely discuss these types of situations with your counselor and/or support group members – and your significant other or spouse. Changing jobs affects more than just you. It impacts the entire family. It could, however, be just what you need in certain circumstances.

Making a Clean Break

For some individuals in recovery, the only solution is a complete break from the past. No more association with former drinking pals or friends that continuously get high. Moving to another location, a different city, county or state may be an option. Definitely finding a new circle of friends – clean and sober ones – should be in your plans.

Map out your short- and long-term goals. Where do you want to be 6 months, a year, 5 or 10 years from now? What kinds of skills, knowledge, training or degrees do you need? Put together a plan for how to achieve those goals and work toward them every day. Doing so will put you in contact with new people with whom you can potentially form friendships. Don’t limit yourself. At this point in your recovery, you have all your options open. Your future is something that you create for yourself. It’s not something that someone else can do for you. And you shouldn’t ever let someone else’s negative energy or influence shape your life.

Maintain a Positive Outlook

Be optimistic about your future. Embrace each and every day as an opportunity to learn and to grow. Reach out to others and be of service. Getting outside yourself is a great tonic for the blues or sadness that may crop into your thoughts – especially if you now have a lack of close friends with whom to share quality time. Don’t worry. There will be others. Fill your life with meaningful activities, working toward your goals, and be open in spirit.

Generosity of spirit is more than good practice. It rewards the giver with much more than the effort it takes to do it. When you look outside your own concerns and problems and do your best to help another, you are replenished in more ways than you can imagine. It’s called positive spiritual energy. Giving allows you to receive. This simple concept is one of the most profound and can radiate positive results in your life in recovery.

Take it one day at a time. Be positive, be hopeful, have a plan, help others and keep at it. Before long, not only will there be no one bringing up the past, but you won’t think twice about it yourself. After all, today and all your tomorrows are yours to live.

Where Are You in Recovery?

If you are new to recovery, this may be the first time in a long time that you’ve been in a frame of mind to even have a relationship on a deeper level with another individual. This may not be something you want to hear, but now may not be the time to actively pursue a romantic involvement. You may need to give yourself more time to work on your coping skills, give and receive support from your 12-step friends, and work on charting your short-term and long-term goals. Why? The answer is simple. You want to be in a position to freely give and receive love and affection, and not have things clouded by your ongoing work to remain clean and sober. In other words, your focus right now should be on your recovery, as well as envisioning a future that encompasses everything you want – including sharing your life with another.

When you are further along in recovery and to the point where you are actively helping others in their own recovery, you’re in a better position to begin or strengthen a romantic relationship with another person. In fact, it’s probably a much more realistic time for you to meet someone new, someone sober, and with whom you can begin to interact. Still, there’s the nagging question: when is the right time and what do I say?

Examine Your Motives

Before you decide anything, or blurt out your story at the first available opportunity, examine what it is that you want to get out of this relationship. This is not about you being selfish. Rather, it’s about how genuine your feelings are for the other person. If what you are feeling is truly from the heart, you will want to give and do things that make this person happy, that help him or her grow. In other words, you are reaching outside yourself. How different from the days when all you thought about were your own problems, or getting your next drink or keeping your troubles from costing you your job or resulting in financial and legal difficulties. An outer focus instead of an inner focus is a sign of progress in recovery.

But you know you’re an alcoholic. And you’ll always be an alcoholic. Back to your motives, if what you want is something wholesome and good with this individual that you are beginning to care more for, then you can’t really separate the part of yourself that is the alcoholic from the current equation.

Deep inside, you know you have to tell this person the truth. You can avoid the inevitable for a while, but it will come up. It’s best to prepare yourself so that you can speak honestly about your situation.

How Far Along is the Relationship?

Another point to consider is the length of time you have been seeing the other person. If this is someone you’ve just met, you may need a little more time to decide if what you’re experiencing is just a passing friendship, a relationship that may be a long-term friendship, or something a bit more.

Looking at the time you’ve known this individual, has the relationship remained at the casual level – going out to a movie, sporting event, participating in outdoor recreational activities where there are lots of other people? Or has it become more intimate, dinner dates, spending time alone on a more regular basis? If it’s the latter, you’ve already become somewhat emotionally invested in the relationship. This isn’t said to scare you. It’s just a point to keep in mind.

What is the Chemistry?

Do you feel that the other person shares a deepening connection with you? Has this person said so or indicated so by his or her actions? Have you engaged in sexual relations yet? Have you been invited to and spent time with his or her family? Does he or she have children and is there any involvement with them at this time?

The more chemistry you both feel, the more urgent the issue becomes for you to give full disclosure.

What to Say

Only you can decide the right words to use, given your personality and that of the other individual, the situation and circumstances when you elect to tell this person you’re an alcoholic. But, here are some suggestions on how to start:

• There’s something I need to tell you and I want you to know that I’m only telling you because I care about you…
• You might have noticed that when we go out, I only order [coffee, soft drink, water, etc.]. There’s a reason for that…
• At first, I thought that we were just friends, and I didn’t want to get into my past, but now I feel that there’s something more, or there could be something more, and I want to be totally honest with you…
• I really enjoy your company, and it seems to me that you feel the same. So, it’s only right that I tell you a little more about myself, something that I know might make a difference in our relationship…
• We’ve been having such a good time together lately, and I find myself looking forward to seeing you – more than I would have thought at first. To be honest, what I’m about to tell you is something that I wish I didn’t have to, but I don’t want there to be any secrets between us…
• For a long time in my life, I’ve been closed off. I didn’t really want to share my life with anyone. Now that I’ve met you and we’ve spent some time together, I realize that I do want to open myself up. It’s important to me that you know who I am, so that what we have can be based on trust and complete honesty…

What are the Consequences of Disclosure?

Let’s look at this for a moment. It’s a natural fear that once we reveal something painful about ourselves to another that the individual may turn away from us. Telling someone you care about (or are beginning to care about) that you are an alcoholic may, in some instances, frighten that person off. If that’s the case, your relationship with that person would have deteriorated anyway, somewhere down the line. The person simply cannot deal with alcoholism, whether it’s you or someone else. This could be for any number of reasons: stigma, family history, past bad experience with an alcoholic, preconceptions, etc. You can’t change how the person feels or predict how they will react. This is just the price of being honest.

One thing is certain. If you fail to tell the truth and it comes out later – as it will – the consequences will be worse than if you are honest now. Think about it realistically. Wouldn’t you rather know something this profound about a loved one rather than it being kept from you? Caring about another means that you offer full disclosure – no secrets!

What happens after you tell this person that you care about that you are an alcoholic? Individuals react differently. Some will ask a lot of questions, seeking to understand or know what, when, how, how long, etc., what stage of recovery you are in or many details. Others may just take it in and say they need time to think about it. After all, the revelation is a pretty big one. Naturally, it takes time to digest and come to terms with the knowledge.

Maybe there’ll be a cooling off period, or a hiatus, or a total break. You need to be prepared for any and all of them. After some time, the person may come back, having accepted the facts of your circumstance and wanting to proceed with the relationship. Or, they may not be able to commit to an ongoing relationship with you – not necessarily because of your alcoholism, although it could be that, but because of their own attitudes and beliefs about alcoholism and their perceived or actual inability to deal with it.

Again, there’s nothing you can do about the other person’s reaction to what you say or the consequences afterward. When you share this much of yourself with another, it’s scary, painful and fraught with uncertainty. How can it not be? All you can do, then, is to convey how much the person means to you, and how you want to be upfront and honest.

Say what you need to say. Do it sooner rather than later. Be caring, direct, choose your words carefully and speak from the heart. If what you have is the real thing – genuine affection for another – your words and your actions (speaking the truth in a caring manner) will carry a lot of weight. They will mean something to the other person. What it means for your future relationship together is something that you have no control over now.

Above all, believe in yourself. Trust that you will be, by virtue of going through this experience, better able to deal with it in the future. If this relationship doesn’t pan out (for any reason already mentioned or another), there’s probably one ahead of you that will. Finding love and/or a life partner takes a lot of give and take in any circumstance. It’s not unique to an alcoholic. Don’t be so sensitive and don’t take it personally.

Take each day in recovery as a gift and a promise. The gift is that you are in a new stage of your life, one of sobriety. The promise is that you can make your future what you want. Your only limitation is failing to dream. Open yourself up. As you give to others of your time, energy and heart, they will do the same.

Sooner or later, you will meet or connect again with a love interest that accepts you with love. You are an alcoholic, but it does not define who you are today or who you will be tomorrow.

One final point: Enduring love is built on trust. The bedrock or foundation of a lasting relationship is mutual trust and respect. It’s a sign of total integrity, of wholeness and personal growth that you are able to give of yourself and receive in return.
Now, about telling your love interest that you are an alcoholic – what are you waiting for? Make a list of the points you want to convey, practice saying it in a mirror in your most sincere and caring manner. Then, just do it.

Alcoholic Friends Perpetuate Alcoholic Lifestyle

What did you learn in treatment about avoiding the triggers that cause you to drink? One of the most basic is to make drastic changes in your lifestyle. That means you can’t, repeat can’t, be around others who drink.

When you come out of rehab and are in recovery, the worst think you can do is go back to the bar where you hung out 5, 6 or 7 nights a week. Yes, admit it. You probably spent most of your time in places where your so-called friends, drinking buddies, would bend your arm and tell the most outrageous stories. You’d tip back a few beers, followed by a chaser, then switch to hard liquor toward the end – as much as you can remember – before you’d slither out and hope to somehow make it home in one piece.

What do you think those drinking pals are doing right now? Hanging out, doing the same old thing is more than just a guess. It’s a near certainty. They didn’t want to quit, and they won’t, until and maybe when they are down on their knees realizing what a mess they’ve made of their lives.

And you think you can be around them? Not in the cards, not even remotely. Once you step foot back in that bar, that club or hangout where your pals drink, you’re a goner. All your coping skills and techniques will be wiped away like the drink mark the bartender swipes with his cloth. When your pals encourage you to have a real drink, your coffee or tonic won’t suffice. You’ll look enviously at their Ketel One on the rocks with anchovy-stuffed olive, or the cheap whiskey chaser after an ice cold beer. Pretty soon, faster than you think, you signal the bartender to pour you one.

But one’s never enough, not for an alcoholic. In no time flat, you’ve relapsed. You’re right back in the alcoholic lifestyle you worked so hard to escape. There’s just no getting around it. Those drinking buddies are toxic to your sobriety. Just being in the same room with them can kill your newly clean and sober life.

You don’t want that to happen. But what can you do about it?

Make Use Of Your Support System

Without question, you need help. The best place to turn is your support group, either Alcoholics Anonymous or another non-step support group you joined and participate in regularly following your release from treatment. If you haven’t yet joined, do so immediately. These are people who know what you’re going through, since they’ve been there themselves.
Many support groups have a buddy system, where you’re paired with someone whom you can call on at any hour of the day or night. Your support buddy will help you through the tough times you may experience in recovery. They know all about the cravings to drink that plague you – often at the most unexpected times, some of which may include:

• You hear a song on the radio while you’re driving, and it reminds you of a particularly enjoyable evening with your drinking friends.
• Or you see a TV ad for vodka where all the beautiful people are laughing and having fun and you want to be there, too.
• Maybe it’s a sound of ice tinkling in a glass that you hear when you’re out at a restaurant with your colleagues from work and your mind races to the sound of liquor sloshing over ice cubes.
• Maybe it’s the smell of cigarette smoke and booze you detect as you pass the bar section on your way to the restroom.
• You’re home alone and feeling sorry for yourself. You can’t stop the negative thoughts from running through your head.
• Your drinking pals call or show up to get you to party with them and your resolve starts to falter.

What You Need To Do

Sorry to say, those drinking friends have to become a thing of the past. You need to sever all ties with those so-called pals who really have nothing to offer the newly-clean and sober you. They will be your downfall. To continue to see them will make it next to impossible for you to stay sober. You’ve already gone through what may have been the most difficult time of your life: detox, treatment and now, in recovery. You can’t just throw that away.
Break all ties, cleanly and quickly. If you feel you must, you can tell them by phone why you won’t see them anymore. You are clean and sober – and are determined to stay that way. This may encourage one or more of them to also quit, but don’t count on it. In fact, be prepared for the excuses and enticements to get back into the drinking groove. Politely but firmly decline and end the call. You’ve made your point. You don’t owe them anything else.

Find new and sober friends. As mentioned earlier, start with your allies at your support group. But branch out from there. Here are some suggestions on where/how to find clean and sober friends:

• Work Colleagues – People you interact with at work are a great choice. You see them regularly and have reason to be in situations that are productive and healthy. You aren’t likely to want to jeopardize your job by engaging in self-destructive behavior, but do seek out people who you know don’t drink.
• Family Introductions – No, this doesn’t necessarily mean a blind date, although it could. Family members can serve as a great resource for introductions to people who may have the same interests, or hobbies, or would like to share recreational and/or cultural opportunities. It’s worth a try. Besides, you won’t know if you don’t give it a chance.
• Former College Or School Friends – Look up some of your former college, high school or school friends or individuals whom you admired. Many are members of the social network Facebook or My Space, and it’s easy to connect with them and see what they’re doing now. Interact via the Internet for a while to ensure they’re the kind of individual you want to spend time with. If personal emails get into talk of drinking and doing drugs, discontinue contact. But if the individual seems receptive to further communication and getting together, and they don’t appear to be drinkers, by all means try to set something up.
• Recreational Pursuits – Get a pair of hiking boots, buy a parasail, skis, boogie board, something. If you like to play basketball, find a group that gets together to do that.
• Exercise – Physical exercise is a terrific way to release the body’s natural endorphins – making you feel good physically and emotionally. When your body’s juices are flowing and your cardio’s going great, you just naturally start to think of things in a more positive light. Join a gym, work out at home, and even take a 30-minute brisk walk around the subdivision or in a park or trail near your home. Go to the beach and swim, hike along the water, kayak, canoe, sail, and fish. There’s lots to do outdoors year-round – and you’ll find many new friends in the process.
• Hobbies – Like making model airplanes or cars? How about model train collecting? Buy and sell things for your collection on eBay. Or get into cleaning out your trash and treasures by making a little profit selling them on eBay. Finding a hobby and others who engage in the same hobby can lead to some great and constructive friendships.

One Day At A Time

Remember, you have to put in your time every day to maintain your sobriety. It isn’t always easy, and it isn’t always so difficult. Some days will be harder than others. The key to success is to take your sobriety one day at a time. It doesn’t matter if you are not religious or spiritual or have a belief in a higher power. It does matter that you have an abiding belief in yourself and your ability to stick to your resolve to remain abstinent.

You were down on your own knees once and not that long ago. Now you realize what a life free of alcohol can mean and, guess what? You did it through your own strength and determination. Reaffirm your commitment every day. Say it aloud to yourself when you get up. Place the conscious thought in the forefront of your mind so you can refer to it during the day or night whenever you start to feel the urge or craving to drink. Distract yourself. Call your support network or your trusted allies. Never wallow in self-pity or allow yourself to stay depressed or alone.

One day at a time. That’s all it requires. Keep this in mind. You made it to today. Today will become tomorrow. Sobriety is the best thing for the rest of your life in recovery.

Here are some ways to help put order back into your life.

Divide Up Your Day

An easy method involves carving your day into 1-hour blocks of time. How does this work? From the moment you get up in the morning to the time you go to bed, allocate your day’s activities. If exercising takes 1 hour, put that down at a certain time each day. Give yourself an hour each for breakfast, lunch and dinner. If you regularly check emails throughout the day, try scheduling 1 hour early in the day to read through and respond to all your emails, rather than waste time constantly going back and forth. Do the same thing for making and returning phone calls. Schedule a time to get this out of the way.

Running errands, going to a counseling session or group meeting, doing work or tasks around the house, going out to a movie or engaging in other recreational activity? All can be accommodated in the daily scheduling. If you need time each day for introspection or planning for the future, setting aside time to do that will help you to focus.

If your task is finished before the block of time you’ve allocated, then you have free time. Take a break, go for a walk, daydream or make plans. Don’t worry if this seems a little strange to begin with. You’ll soon find that you’re pretty good at figuring out how long it takes to accomplish routine tasks. What’s even better is that you will be amazed at how liberating it is to know that you will be able to get things done that are “on your list” without worrying that you’ll forget them.

Focus On One Thing At A Time

When you hear about people multi-tasking, sometimes it’s mentioned as a positive trait. Think about it, though. When you try to do two things at once, what happens? Your attention is divided, which means you aren’t doing quality work on either task, and it takes longer to get both done.

Instead, focus on a single project, issue, task or activity at a given time. Don’t allow the phone, email or other interruptions to distract you from your task. If you absolutely must answer the phone, get through the conversation quickly and then return to your task. You can always tell the caller you’ll call them back at a specific time – either your time allocated for making/returning phone calls or during your “free time.”

By focusing on one thing at a time you’ll enjoy the added benefit of crossing things off your To Do list. This gives you a sense of accomplishment and adds to your overall positive state of mind.

When Thoughts Or Problems Trouble You

There will inevitably be times when you just can’t push away the outside world, when negative thoughts or problems barge into your mind and life. What can you do to overcome them? Let’s take a few examples and see how they can be dealt with effectively.

• Perhaps you’re busy doing a project or chore at home when the mail comes and there are several past-due notices, cancellation of utilities, or high medical bills. Avoid the temptation to open them up and dwell on the problems. Set the bills and mail aside and leave them for your time block allocation to deal with financial issues, mail and correspondence. When you do attend to your bill-paying issues, you’ll be more focused and less stressed. Don’t let outside influences take over your life. You be in control of what to handle and when.

• You’re working on an important presentation for your boss’s boss and your immediate supervisor comes in with an urgent request he says trumps whatever you’re doing. He reminds you that you’re on shaky ground since you’ve been back, and hints that you’d better tow the line or you could be fired. You listen to what he has to say, tell him you’ll get right on the project and do your best work, and then do what he asks. Focus as completely as you can on the new assignment until it’s finished, and then go back to your original project if there’s any time left in your time block (i.e., work day). Don’t beat yourself up or engage in the negativity that individual tried to lay on you. Instead, focus on how proactively you handled the situation – and give yourself kudos for excellent compartmentalization.

• Relaxing with a book, meditating or just making plans, you’re suddenly interrupted by some old drug- or alcohol-using acquaintances that stop by unexpectedly. You really don’t want to and can’t be around these people, and just having them show up throws you for a loop. What should you do? Politely inform them that you have other plans, you have a doctor’s appointment to go to, or you’re not available to hang out, and ask them to leave. Be in control of your situation. This is your home, and you are in charge. Don’t let them intimidate or cajole you into activity that’s counter-productive to your recovery.

Focus On Positive Aspects Of Your Life

Recovery has its ups and downs, and you need to be prepared for them. When things look bleak, focus on what’s good in your life, the positive things you have accomplished. You made the tough decision to enter treatment, or accepted an intervention and went into treatment, you made it through detox and treatment and are in recovery. This is an extraordinary acomplishment! Don’t think for a minute that it isn’t. You’ve successfully overcome probably the most difficult hurdle in your life so far. Mark this as a big positive.

You have your health back, and/or are working hard to restore a healthy balance to your life through physical exercise, challenging mental stimulation, and constructive recreational activities. These are all positive aspects of your life.

Count the new friends you have made in treatment and support groups – or the new acquaintances you’ve found through joining new recreational, sports, educational or hobby groups. These are strong positive influences on your life.

Look at a physical reminder of what’s really important in your life. This could be a photo of your spouse or significant other, your children, parents or siblings.

Take time out to look through a scrapbook or vacation photos of a place that you really enjoyed.

Concentrate On Long-Term Goals

You have a second chance at a good life. In recovery, you need to make plans for the future, and strive every day to make some movement toward achieving those plans. It doesn’t matter if that long-term goal is to go back to school or university, complete a degree, learn a new skill or hobby, take up a sport, learn how to speak a foreign language, travel or whatever. The important point is to set aside time to first list or, later, revise your goals, as needed, and then to actually take steps to make the dream a reality.

Having a focus on long-term goals also helps you to feel less tied to any short-term problems or issues that are occurring today. Think of it another way. If you only look down, you can’t see where you’re going. If you don’t take a step forward, you’ll never get where you want to go. Having a goal and a plan of action means there’s always something good on your horizon.

Develop Techniques That Get You Back On Track

Sometimes you just don’t feel like doing something. Maybe you haven’t slept well the night before – troubled by recurring nightmares of using, or waking up with cravings – or your negative thoughts try to consume you. Try some of these techniques to get you back on track – or develop some of your own.

• Meditate – Do some deep breathing with your eyes closed and in a comfortable position. Shut out everything from your consciousness. Try to think about nothing at all except the sound of your breathing in and out. Do this for about 5 minutes anytime you feel overcome by stress or negative thoughts.

• Relaxation Techniques – Try yoga, acupuncture, or other holistic relaxation techniques. These can help relieve tension and eliminate stress, focus on overcoming pain or discomfort, help you to realign your mind-body-spirit balance.

• Physical Exercise – Get your body’s natural endorphins to kick in with some strenuous physical exercise. Ideally, make physical exercise a daily routine and schedule it in your time blocks. This can be a brisk hike or walk for 30 minutes, working out at the gym, playing basketball or another sport, or just doing aerobic or weight-bearing exercises at home.

• Call An Ally – Use your support network and call someone who knows you and what you’ve gone through. Enlist their help – maybe just to listen to you talk – and you’ll find that your problems aren’t so insurmountable after all. If you need help, ask for it from your 12-step group members. They’re ready and willing to help, just as you’d do for them.

Learn To Live In The Moment

One of the best ways to help compartmentalize your life and to realize many benefits is to live in the moment. How you do this is to completely devote your attention to what’s happening right now, today – not yesterday, or last week, and certainly not the time you nearly destroyed your life through drug or alcohol abuse.

Take the time to really look at the beauty of nature you see outside. When you are talking with someone, look them in the eyes and give them your complete attention. Be sure to listen to what they have to say instead of thinking about how you’ll respond. Chew your food slowly and appreciate the taste. If something feels really good, bask in that great feeling. If the moment is a bad one, recognize that the moment will pass.

In fact, much of this is good advice for everyone, not just those in recovery. Many of these tips and techniques can help us all to achieve a better balance and be in more control of our lives. But discover what works best for you and be creative in finding new ones.

Remember, tomorrow is another day. For those of us in recovery, what we do today and tomorrow is the stepping point to our future – the future we’ve dreamed of and planned for.

Keep this checklist handy and refer to it when any of the following occur.

Depression Increases

Your energy starts to lag, and your thoughts become darker, more intense, and prolonged. You may even entertain thoughts of suicide – feeling that your family, friends, colleagues at work – would be better off without you.

Action Become Obsessive or Compulsive

You find yourself acting in an out of contgrol manner when it comes to use one or several of these: caffeine, sex, food, work, nicotine, gambling or other compulsive actions. Or, you react to situations without any thought of the consequences – either to yourself or to others.

Urges and Cravings Become Constant

Every waking moment becomes plagued with thoughts about using drugs and/or alcohol. You tell yourself it’s the only way for you to feel better again. Your mind tricks you into thinking that you have to have it and the voice inside your head keeps drumming it into your consciousness until you can’t shut it out. Left unchecked, these urges and cravings will become overwhelming.

Situation Appears Hopeless

You start to feel that nothing’s ever going to change for the better. You’re stuck in the rut, and you can’t stand it. Feeling paralyzed, you resort to wishful thinking – remembering happier times when you were drinking or using, and start to imagine that if you go back to your old habits, everything will be better.

Sleep Disturbances, Emotional and/or Memory Problems

It gets harder and harder to get a good night’s sleep. In fact, you can’t get through a night without waking up several times, having nightmares, and, in the morning, you feel as though you were dragged through a wringer. You start to lash out in angry or emotional outbursts, often for no reason. You may have difficulty remembering tasks you’re supposed to do, or what happened yesterday, or last week, or last month.

Prone to Accidents

First, it may be a little fender bender – if there is such a thing anymore. Or, you may find yourself falling or injuring yourself while doing some minor task. Burns, cuts and bruises may become commonplace as your mind isn’t really on whatever it is you’re doing. After a series of accidents or mishaps, it’s time to take stock of what’s really going on. You’re in serious jeopardy if you don’t do something to get back on track.

Crises Deepen

Problems that should have been easy to solve or overcome mount up and become crises. Pretty soon, everything is just too much to handle and you’re seriously overwhelmed by all the stress and problems in your life. You can’t separate them into categories or figure out how to deal with one at a time. They’re all lumped together in a tangle and you just want to escape from them for a while. The solution that keeps coming to your mind is to go back to using.

Thinking Becomes Impaired

Not sleeping much, depressed, prone to accidents, problems piling up – pretty soon your thought processes start to deteriorate. You find you can’t seem to think things through clearly, you’re unable to find the answers – even if they’re apparent to others. It takes a monumental effort to try to weigh and balance whether you should go to work or just lay around home. All the reasons why you should continue your daily routine, be responsible, productive and clean and sober fly out the window.

Avoiding Friends

Knowing they’ll see your condition and recognize it for what it is, you find yourself avoiding your clean and sober friends. You don’t want to hear what they have to say, because by now, you’ve almost guaranteed that you’ll fall into relapse. Why listen to them tell you why you shouldn’t? Better just to steer clear of them, you tell yourself. After all, they don’t know what it’s like. And, even if they do, it’s your life, not theirs. This is another trap – don’t fall into it. Now’s when you need your friends more than ever.

Denying You Have A Problem

Ah, denial. You’ve been here before. In fact, well before you got into treatment in the first place you told yourself you didn’t have a problem with drugs and/or alcohol. You had it under control then, didn’t you? Wrong. Just as you now start to delude yourself that everything is fine, you’ve got the situation all figured out – you’re in denial. You even find yourself saying the words out loud to others: “No, I’m doing great. Haven’t had a drink. Don’t even think about it. Everything’s fine.” It’s not fine – and true friends can see through the ruse. The more you deny it, the more apparent it is that you are most likely about to relapse.

No Longer Want To Stay Clean and Sober

All your coping mechanisms haven’t prepared you for this. One day, you find yourself thinking that you don’t even want to remain clean and sober. You’ve only been doing it because others expect it of you. It’s not really what you want. What you’d really like to do is just go off and have a bender. What’s the big deal? In a couple of days, you’ll get back on the wagon and things will be just fine. Or maybe not. You’ll cross that bridge when you come to it. But the reality is that your relapse, once begun, will be as hard to overcome as it was when you first went into detox. You don’t want to go through that again, do you?

What Can You Do To Prevent Relapse?

Thoughts, overpowering urges and cravings, problems that you can’t seem to solve, and situations and individuals that cause your determination to stay clean and sober to waver are bound to occur at some point in your recovery. They do to everyone in recovery. Don’t try to tough it out, believing that you can overcome all these warning signs that threaten to jeopardize your sobriety.

• The first thing to do is reach out to friends. Go to your support meeting, or call one of your allies from the group and tell him or her what’s going on with you. Don’t hold back, thinking they’ll criticize you or condemn you. Remember that each one of those individuals has been through what you’re going through now.

• There’s also strength in numbers, and that’s another really powerful reason to step up your attendance at support meetings. If you need someone to stay with you, or professional counseling or therapy to help you deal with these continuing negative thoughts and behaviors, get it. Contact your aftercare professional and get a referral for additional counseling. Or, if it is already a part of your aftercare through treatment, talk with your therapist about your fears that you’re about to relapse.

• Cognitive behavioral therapy may help as well. You could also try listening to CDs on how to overcome thoughts of returning to addictive behavior (alcohol and drugs), read books on constructive measures to take to prevent relapse available through the library or at bookstores, meditate, pray and/or seek spiritual enrichment.

• Beef up your exercise regimen. Physical exercise, strenous enough to break a sweat, conducted three times a week for a period of 30 minutes or more, will help you to exorcise your demon thoughts. Exercise releases endorphins, your body’s natural pleasure chemical. Work your body good, and your feeling of well-being will increase.

• Engage in leisure activities that you enjoy – whether that’s going to a movie, play or concert, sporting activities, vacationing, hiking, biking, photography – it doesn’t matter what it is as long as it occupies your time, keeps your thoughts away from using, and gets you around people with like interests. Make sure these friends are clean and sober, however, or you’ll put yourself into a situation where your coping mechanisms may be overtaxed.

Above all, don’t give up. Ask for help. Keep busy. Learn new coping skills and embrace the fact that you have the strength, the will and the determination to make it through. This call back to using can be just a temporary situation, as long as you handle it in a pro-active manner.

Whether you’re an alcoholic or alcohol-dependent and thinking about getting clean and sober, you’re bound to worry about what that kind of life would be like sans alcohol. There are commonly held fears about sobriety that should be put to rest once and for all. Here are some of the frequently heard comments about being sober.

“I won’t be able to have any fun anymore.” If by having fun you mean partying with old chums who are still drinking and doing drugs, then the party will definitely be over once you’re committed to sobriety. But real fun doesn’t entail dulling your senses and falling into a stupor or doing extremely dangerous and potential hurtful things. What you should do is find new friends, people who are also clean and sober, or who don’t drink and do drugs. Join groups where you can participate in activities you always wanted to do, but were too drunk or high to do before. Try parasailing, skydiving, snowboarding, surfing, skiing, playing music, and going to the beach or movies and concerts. Another benefit of doing these activities sober is how much more enjoyable they’ll be, how much more vivid the experience and the memories will be. What you once thought of as fun will pale in comparison to a life rich in reality, one that’s completely drug and alcohol free.

“No one will want to be with me.” As an addict, you probably worry that once you’re clean and sober you won’t have any friends, or that people you meet will decide they don’t want to be around you because you don’t engage in the same activities they do. This is an unfounded fear that’s rooted in your own insecurities and feelings of worthlessness. Part of the treatment you’ll receive to overcome your addiction will be to help you discover what’s good and loveable about yourself, as well as to build your self-esteem, confidence, and communication skills. You’ll start to feel better about yourself, which will lead to you being able to more easily engage in conversation with others. The new you, clean and sober, will have so much more to offer that you will be amazed at the quality of friendships you will attract.

“I won’t be able to talk to people. I had a gift of gab when I drank.” Most alcoholics do feel like they have a silver tongue. And many do, since we’ve all seen people drinking who seem to be the life of the party, regaling everyone with jokes and stories or dancing the night away. That is, until they become so intoxicated that they start falling down, slurring their words, nodding off—then their antics become comic or tragic. Worst of all, the intoxicated individual seldom remembers the episodes, or what they do remember is rose-colored and totally untrue. If this is one of your fears, that you won’t be able to find anything to say to another if you quit drinking, lay that fear to rest right now. True, alcohol does lower your inhibitions, but drinking too much also makes you say and do things you might regret. That’s hardly a trait others admire. Concentrate on learning new coping and communication skills. You’ll do just fine in recovery.

“I’m afraid of what it will be like to be clean and sober.” If this is your fear, it’s probably been a long time since you’ve been free of alcohol and/or drugs. Chronic drug or alcohol dependence clouds your mind and robs you of memory. You may also have difficulty making plans or learning new things, so it’s no surprise that you’d fear what you can’t imagine. Learning to live in a drug- and alcohol-free manner involves making a genuine commitment to a new and permanent lifestyle. That’s scary to a lot of people and deters many from seeking or completing treatment. Stop hiding behind the excuse of alcohol or drugs and embrace the possibility of realizing all your long-buried hopes and dreams. You can do it. You owe it to yourself to try. For the time being, just try to envision a life full of promise, where there are no limits to what you can achieve. Then, get into treatment.

“I’m afraid I can’t make it through stressful days without drinking.” You may have been using alcohol as a crutch, using the bottle as your anesthetic to dull whatever might bother you. What began as a drink here or there after work soon wound up being much more than that, to the point where you couldn’t wait to get home and get drunk. Maybe you even tossed back a few at work, in the car on the way home, or in the morning to get you going. Far from being an escape from stress, the more you drink, the more stressful things become. Life doesn’t go hide in a closet while you drink. Life goes on as before—just as stressful, just as hectic. But when you are in treatment, you learn how to deal with stress so that it doesn’t mount up and immobilize you. New coping skills and behavior modifications will enable you to tackle whatever life throws your way. And there are always your support-group allies to help talk you through any crises that arise. Yes, there is hope for coping with life’s stresses without drinking—if you commit to it.

“I can’t handle responsibility. I’m not good at that.” It was so much easier not having to deal with anything substantial while you were drinking, wasn’t it? Paying bills, being a good husband/wife/parent/sibling/friend, taking care of your duties at work, even driving responsibly. Saying you’re afraid of being clean and sober because you don’t think you can handle responsibility is a cop-out, plain and simple. You didn’t want to be responsible, and you used drinking as an excuse. Try to remember back before you drank. You weren’t always irresponsible. As human beings, we all have the capability to handle responsibility. It’s part of the natural instinct to survive. While you are in treatment, you will learn about accepting responsibility, and you’ll learn ways to ensure that you follow through on your commitments.

“I’ll lose my friends.” Your old drinking and drug-using buddies? You bet. But you should embrace this as a positive sign that you’re on the right track. Being clean and sober means that you will avoid the temptations that come with certain people, places, and things. You can’t afford to be around them any longer—and, after you’ve been through treatment and are in recovery, you’ll realize that they weren’t really your friends anyway. True friends don’t enable each other to poison their existence in an endless cycle of drinking and drugs. You’ll be making new friends in treatment and recovery, as well as through your support group meetings and new activities you will now start to enjoy.

“It’ll be too much for me–I’m not that brave.” You’d be surprised at how much courage you have inside you. What you need to do is give yourself a chance. The first step is to admit you have a problem with alcohol or drugs and then genuinely commit to seeking and completing treatment to overcome the problem. Don’t worry about how much bravery you need. We all have sufficient bravery in our DNA to handle such a challenge. But many of us use the excuse that we’re cowards just so we can keep on using. If you truly want to live a clean and sober life, you’re already ahead of the game. Intention and commitment are crucial to successful recovery. In treatment, you’ll have individual and group counseling and learn that you are not alone in your struggle. There are others just like you that are meeting their fears head on—and coming out on the other side with a bright and limitless future.

“I’m afraid I’ll actually feel something.” You should embrace the possibility of again being able to feel strong emotions like love, joy, pride in yourself, hope for the future, and belief in your inner goodness. It’s probably been such a long time since you did that you’re afraid you’re not capable of it, but that’s just not true. In fact, one of the many benefits of being clean and sober in recovery is that you are able to not only feel, but also express, your emotions.

“I’ll be bored.” You probably use now because you’re bored. So trotting out the fear that you’ll be bored being clean and sober is a lame excuse. When you’re in recovery, you’ll be clear-headed enough to do the kinds of things you’ve always wanted to – whether that’s learning a new sport, making new friends, falling in love, getting a new job, studying for a degree, or pursuing any other new and exciting dream.

“I’m afraid I’ll lose my courage, my nerve.” It’s natural to wonder whether you’ll be able to complete treatment, especially if you don’t have any idea what it entails. The best solution is to find out about the kinds of treatment available to you and choose the one that best suits your needs. Research drug and alcohol treatment centers in your area, and be sure to ask questions so you’ll be able to find a treatment center that meets your needs. Check out the treatment facility finder on the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) at www.findtreatment.samhsa.gov/about.htm or call their referral center at (800) 662-HELP.

“I’m afraid I won’t be able to sleep.” Some people use alcohol or drugs to help them sleep, while for others, it gets or keeps them up at night. Part of alcohol and drug withdrawal does involve insomnia, but that is temporary. During treatment, you will be working on achieving balance in your physical and mental well-being through nutrition, exercise, counseling, and activities. Your ability to sleep through the night will be addressed along with your other fears, cravings, and physical or psychological symptoms.

“I won’t be sexy.” Sexiness really has nothing to do with drinking or doing drugs. You only fear that you’ll lose your sex appeal because you think that you’ll become inhibited and closed-off if you don’t drink or do drugs. Again, this is a total falsehood. Real sexiness comes from within, from who we are and how we display our real selves to others. That’s sex appeal. You should look forward to discovering the real you that you’ve buried deep inside—or never allowed to surface—and the only way to truly do that is by going through treatment and becoming clean and sober.

“I don’t want to feel the pain.” Whatever pain you may feel during detox or the cravings you’ll experience during treatment will be minimized by the attending professional staff. As for feeling the pain of discovery, of realization of how and why you got yourself into this addiction in the first place—well, that’s a necessary part of the process. You can’t get better if you don’t recognize and learn to overcome that which has kept you from being the self-actualized person you’re meant to be. Yes, the colors will be brighter, the sounds more intense, the presence of other human beings more apparent—and all of these are good things. Don’t look on the ability to feel as pain. It isn’t. Comfort yourself with the knowledge that whatever pain you will feel in treatment is only temporary. You will learn how to deal with painful situations as part of your overall treatment so that, in the future, pain won’t be a scary thing.

“My emotions will overwhelm me.” You’ve probably been closed off for so long that you’re understandably afraid to do, to see, to hear, and to fail. You look at treatment as this big, mysterious black hole that you’ll fall into and never come out of. Far from it. By entering treatment, you are liberating yourself from the shackles of alcohol and drugs—but only if you genuinely want to be clean and sober and commit to the process. During your individual counseling, and possibly during group sessions, your emotions may feel overwhelming. That’s because you need to cleanse and purge yourself of years of piled-up negative emotions, memories, and past bad behavior. This emotional cleansing is a necessary part of healing, just as detox is a physical elimination of toxic substances. Once you are in treatment, and then in recovery, you will learn how to effectively deal with your emotions—no matter what circumstances arise.

Bottom line: Don’t let your fears keep you from getting clean and sober. Ask for help and get yourself into treatment today.

Taking that first step is always the hardest. You can’t go wrong with seeking information, and the amount of knowledge to be learned is boundless. Easy Does It Books is that first step. This warm and welcoming corner of Belmont Heights has been providing the Long Beach community with addiction recovery literature for over 12 years.

At Easy Does It Books, there is no hush-hush about the “taboo” subject matter—alcohol and narcotics recovery, eating disorders, food addiction, sex drives, and abuse support. Its library of information will enlighten all types of readers, making them more cognizant of the tumultuous hardships caused by the human condition and turning them into self-motivated activists.

Anyone can walk into the store and feel at ease with the freedom to peruse the literature or browse through the gifts and accessories. There are no labels or limitations inside the store—you are guaranteed to walk in and walk back out with the right book in your hand and peace of mind. In fact, the customers are so delighted with the store’s atmosphere that they shop on a name-by-name basis with proud owner Richard Waide.

Everyone seems to be a friend to the store and takes pleasure in being repeat shoppers. The bookstore has been and continues to serve 12-step program members as a community haven, promoting positive reinforcement, encouragement, and endless results. Easy Does It is a true sponsor to successful recovery—comfort, awareness, and communal strength.

The store’s book collection caters to the 12-step programs for 24 different behavioral health challenges. Easy Does It Books provides new literature and information such as the latest editions of Narcotics Anonymous’ publication and the “Big Book” from Alcoholics Anonymous. Yet, the modern literary selection also includes historic texts such as the well-praised 1967 As Bill Sees It: Selected Writings from A.A.’s Co-Founder.

Even members of codependency 12-step programs and Al-anon recovery can find help, such as with Melody Beattie’s The Language of Letting Go. The selection covers just about everything imaginable from self-help books, program guidebooks, memoirs, compilations, and texts on faith, religion, and meditation. But the choices don’t just stop there—the same informational texts are offered as new and used books, translated texts, audio books, and even in Braille.

The goal of Easy Does It Books is to provide answers, bottom line, and it effectively accomplishes this goal through simple tangibility. No avenue is overlooked. The entire bookstore is remarkable in the sense that it reaches far beyond the extent of information one could gather at a major chain bookstore; the possibilities seem to have no restriction.

If at first you still feel a little hesitant to take that first step, at least observe the tranquil demeanor of the store, or take a glance at its inspirational merchandise related to Eastern religion and traditional faith. You can sit and feel right at home while you look over a new book or talk with other 12-step program members for a while.

Be sure to pay a visit to Easy Does It Books and Gifts at 3517 E. Broadway, Long Beach, CA 90803, conveniently located on the corner of Broadway and Redondo Avenue. Visit www.easydoesitbooksandgifts.com or call (562) 621-1042 for more information. Easy Does It Books is open seven days a week.