How and When to Tell a Love Interest You’re an Alcoholic
You’ve started seeing someone, first just for companionship, not looking for any long-term entanglement. But now it feels like there could be something there and you want more. What you’re experiencing is a need to share and interact with another human being on a more intimate level. That’s all fine and good, healthy, in fact. But you harbor a secret: you’re an alcoholic. You really don’t want to tell this person your whole story. Maybe if you keep it hidden things will work out okay. Don’t delude yourself. You have to be truthful. If you don’t, somewhere down the line it will come out anyway, and you’ll likely lose the relationship. But how and when should you come clean? How do you tell someone you care about that you’re an alcoholic?
Where Are You in Recovery?
If you are new to recovery, this may be the first time in a long time that you’ve been in a frame of mind to even have a relationship on a deeper level with another individual. This may not be something you want to hear, but now may not be the time to actively pursue a romantic involvement. You may need to give yourself more time to work on your coping skills, give and receive support from your 12-step friends, and work on charting your short-term and long-term goals. Why? The answer is simple. You want to be in a position to freely give and receive love and affection, and not have things clouded by your ongoing work to remain clean and sober. In other words, your focus right now should be on your recovery, as well as envisioning a future that encompasses everything you want – including sharing your life with another.
When you are further along in recovery and to the point where you are actively helping others in their own recovery, you’re in a better position to begin or strengthen a romantic relationship with another person. In fact, it’s probably a much more realistic time for you to meet someone new, someone sober, and with whom you can begin to interact. Still, there’s the nagging question: when is the right time and what do I say?
Examine Your Motives
Before you decide anything, or blurt out your story at the first available opportunity, examine what it is that you want to get out of this relationship. This is not about you being selfish. Rather, it’s about how genuine your feelings are for the other person. If what you are feeling is truly from the heart, you will want to give and do things that make this person happy, that help him or her grow. In other words, you are reaching outside yourself. How different from the days when all you thought about were your own problems, or getting your next drink or keeping your troubles from costing you your job or resulting in financial and legal difficulties. An outer focus instead of an inner focus is a sign of progress in recovery.
But you know you’re an alcoholic. And you’ll always be an alcoholic. Back to your motives, if what you want is something wholesome and good with this individual that you are beginning to care more for, then you can’t really separate the part of yourself that is the alcoholic from the current equation.
Deep inside, you know you have to tell this person the truth. You can avoid the inevitable for a while, but it will come up. It’s best to prepare yourself so that you can speak honestly about your situation.
How Far Along is the Relationship?
Another point to consider is the length of time you have been seeing the other person. If this is someone you’ve just met, you may need a little more time to decide if what you’re experiencing is just a passing friendship, a relationship that may be a long-term friendship, or something a bit more.
Looking at the time you’ve known this individual, has the relationship remained at the casual level – going out to a movie, sporting event, participating in outdoor recreational activities where there are lots of other people? Or has it become more intimate, dinner dates, spending time alone on a more regular basis? If it’s the latter, you’ve already become somewhat emotionally invested in the relationship. This isn’t said to scare you. It’s just a point to keep in mind.
What is the Chemistry?
Do you feel that the other person shares a deepening connection with you? Has this person said so or indicated so by his or her actions? Have you engaged in sexual relations yet? Have you been invited to and spent time with his or her family? Does he or she have children and is there any involvement with them at this time?
The more chemistry you both feel, the more urgent the issue becomes for you to give full disclosure.
What to Say
Only you can decide the right words to use, given your personality and that of the other individual, the situation and circumstances when you elect to tell this person you’re an alcoholic. But, here are some suggestions on how to start:
• There’s something I need to tell you and I want you to know that I’m only telling you because I care about you…
• You might have noticed that when we go out, I only order [coffee, soft drink, water, etc.]. There’s a reason for that…
• At first, I thought that we were just friends, and I didn’t want to get into my past, but now I feel that there’s something more, or there could be something more, and I want to be totally honest with you…
• I really enjoy your company, and it seems to me that you feel the same. So, it’s only right that I tell you a little more about myself, something that I know might make a difference in our relationship…
• We’ve been having such a good time together lately, and I find myself looking forward to seeing you – more than I would have thought at first. To be honest, what I’m about to tell you is something that I wish I didn’t have to, but I don’t want there to be any secrets between us…
• For a long time in my life, I’ve been closed off. I didn’t really want to share my life with anyone. Now that I’ve met you and we’ve spent some time together, I realize that I do want to open myself up. It’s important to me that you know who I am, so that what we have can be based on trust and complete honesty…
What are the Consequences of Disclosure?
Let’s look at this for a moment. It’s a natural fear that once we reveal something painful about ourselves to another that the individual may turn away from us. Telling someone you care about (or are beginning to care about) that you are an alcoholic may, in some instances, frighten that person off. If that’s the case, your relationship with that person would have deteriorated anyway, somewhere down the line. The person simply cannot deal with alcoholism, whether it’s you or someone else. This could be for any number of reasons: stigma, family history, past bad experience with an alcoholic, preconceptions, etc. You can’t change how the person feels or predict how they will react. This is just the price of being honest.
One thing is certain. If you fail to tell the truth and it comes out later – as it will – the consequences will be worse than if you are honest now. Think about it realistically. Wouldn’t you rather know something this profound about a loved one rather than it being kept from you? Caring about another means that you offer full disclosure – no secrets!
What happens after you tell this person that you care about that you are an alcoholic? Individuals react differently. Some will ask a lot of questions, seeking to understand or know what, when, how, how long, etc., what stage of recovery you are in or many details. Others may just take it in and say they need time to think about it. After all, the revelation is a pretty big one. Naturally, it takes time to digest and come to terms with the knowledge.
Maybe there’ll be a cooling off period, or a hiatus, or a total break. You need to be prepared for any and all of them. After some time, the person may come back, having accepted the facts of your circumstance and wanting to proceed with the relationship. Or, they may not be able to commit to an ongoing relationship with you – not necessarily because of your alcoholism, although it could be that, but because of their own attitudes and beliefs about alcoholism and their perceived or actual inability to deal with it.
Again, there’s nothing you can do about the other person’s reaction to what you say or the consequences afterward. When you share this much of yourself with another, it’s scary, painful and fraught with uncertainty. How can it not be? All you can do, then, is to convey how much the person means to you, and how you want to be upfront and honest.
Say what you need to say. Do it sooner rather than later. Be caring, direct, choose your words carefully and speak from the heart. If what you have is the real thing – genuine affection for another – your words and your actions (speaking the truth in a caring manner) will carry a lot of weight. They will mean something to the other person. What it means for your future relationship together is something that you have no control over now.
Above all, believe in yourself. Trust that you will be, by virtue of going through this experience, better able to deal with it in the future. If this relationship doesn’t pan out (for any reason already mentioned or another), there’s probably one ahead of you that will. Finding love and/or a life partner takes a lot of give and take in any circumstance. It’s not unique to an alcoholic. Don’t be so sensitive and don’t take it personally.
Take each day in recovery as a gift and a promise. The gift is that you are in a new stage of your life, one of sobriety. The promise is that you can make your future what you want. Your only limitation is failing to dream. Open yourself up. As you give to others of your time, energy and heart, they will do the same.
Sooner or later, you will meet or connect again with a love interest that accepts you with love. You are an alcoholic, but it does not define who you are today or who you will be tomorrow.
One final point: Enduring love is built on trust. The bedrock or foundation of a lasting relationship is mutual trust and respect. It’s a sign of total integrity, of wholeness and personal growth that you are able to give of yourself and receive in return.
Now, about telling your love interest that you are an alcoholic – what are you waiting for? Make a list of the points you want to convey, practice saying it in a mirror in your most sincere and caring manner. Then, just do it.
