When Friends Bring Up Your Past in Recovery

Just when you thought you left all those memories behind, one of your friends, if you can call them that, decides to bring up the subject. Whether in casual conversation or something else, you have to wonder about their reasons for doing so. More important for you at this stage of your recovery, however, is what you should do about it.

Differentiate Between True Friends and Not-so-true Friends

One thing for you to determine – even before you strategize which response to use to deal with the mention of your past – is how good a friend is this? Do you have a long-term relationship that’s important for you to maintain? Did you grow up with this individual, go to school, serve in the military, play sports or engage in other activities that brought you in close contact for years? Do you work with this person? Or, is this someone with whom you’re only casually acquainted, a person with whom you don’t really have much in common?

These are important differentiators because they will help you map out your response or action when the person talks about your past. Obviously, if the relationship is significant to you, you’ll want to employ a different tactic than if it’s one you can afford to (or should) lose.

Work Out Strategy in Advance

Figuring out how best to deal with unpleasant or self-destructive situations is something you learned during rehab. Sometimes these lessons need revisiting, especially since learning something – and even practicing it in group therapy – is a lot different than actually having to use it in real life. If you have continuing counseling sessions with your therapist as part of your aftercare program, discuss coping mechanisms and strategies you can employ in this situation. Role-play what the person says and your potential responses to it. Which ones seem more effective? How are they different depending on the importance of the friendship?

Private psychotherapy or one-on-one counseling, independent of or in place of aftercare, can also help with this issue – and many others that are bound to come up in your recovery.

Part of your post-treatment regimen is more than likely attendance and participation in 12-step support groups. Use the resources available to you to discuss how to handle this situation with your sponsor and/or other members of your support group – particularly those with whom you share similar background or experiences. They can prove invaluable as sounding boards. What works for one person may not work for you, but it can serve as a brainstorming session for you to devise your own plan.

Practice what you’ll Say

Knowing what you’re going to say is a good first step. But you also need to practice saying it. This is important so that your delivery matches your words. You don’t want to come off as defensive or argumentative or dismissive if the relationship means a lot to you. But you do need to be forceful and direct. The other person should have no doubt about the fact that discussion of your past is not a topic you care to address.

Depending on how well you know the individual, you can probably ascertain their motivation for bringing up what are obviously painful memories for you. This may help you develop the appropriate words to say to the person. Again, discuss various scenarios and verbiage with your counselor and/or support group members. You may even want to discuss and practice it with your significant other – with whom you’ve probably already had some occasion to go into what’s happened in your past in some detail (during family or couples therapy, joint counseling sessions and private conversations between the two of you).
Does the other person want to hurt you – because you’ve hurt them or because they have a vindictive streak? Do they want you to relapse? Yes, this is a tough thing to say, but some people don’t want others to be in recovery. If they continue to drink or use drugs, it makes them look bad because they’re either not ready or may be too weak to quit themselves. As you already know from your time in treatment, these are friends you really need to ditch. They will serve no useful purpose in your recovery and, chances are, will do everything they can to get you to fail. Potential things you can say may include:

• “There is no point bringing up the past. That’s over and done with. End of story.”
• “I’m not going to discuss what happened before, not with you. If you can’t respect my wishes, then I can’t associate with you.”
• “Your lifestyle and mine are no longer compatible. I’m not going to [drink and do drugs] any longer, and I choose not to be around others that do. I hope you understand, but if you don’t, it’s not going to change my decision.”
You might even call them on their game, if you feel that may deflect the barbs. That’s up to you. Perhaps say something like the following:
• “I’ve known you for a long time and what you’re trying to do is drag me down to your level. It won’t work.”
• “What’s past is past and I’m not going to indulge in your game of ‘how good it was.’ It wasn’t. It was an addiction, and that’s not part of my life any longer.”
• “I think you’re jealous that I’ve quit [drugs and alcohol], or maybe you just can’t stand to see me happy. I’m sorry you feel that way, but that’s your problem, not mine. I have a new life, one that I’ve chosen.”

Well-meaning friends also sometimes can’t help themselves. They may be curious how you got off drugs or alcohol, and bringing up the past may be their way of broaching the subject. There is a natural curiosity about what goes on in rehab that’s so alien to most people’s frame of reference. Of course, this is private for you, and what or how much you want to share is purely your decision. Again, it depends on how significant the relationship with this person is and what can be gained by being forthcoming – or not. You might say something like:

• “I know you’re probably curious about how I was able to kick my habit, and at some point we may be able to have a discussion about it. But now is not the time, and I hope you’ll respect my wishes and not bring up things that happened in the past.”
• “Thank you for your concern. I appreciate your friendship and the fact that you support my recovery. I am now living in the present, so I would appreciate it if you refrain from discussing things that happened in the past.”
What if the friend is also your boss or someone with whom you work closely every day? Your words may have to take on a different tone, especially with someone who has the power to fire or demote you or pass you over for promotion (however deserved). Consider carefully what to say, but here are some suggestions:
• To your boss: “I appreciate your support while I was in treatment. That’s been very important to me and it helped me tremendously. I want you to know that I’m working on my sobriety every day, attending my meetings and putting into practice what I’ve learned. You have my commitment to continue on this path of sobriety.”
• To your co-worker: “I’ve been in treatment and learned a great deal about how to cope with stresses and triggers. Let’s just say that I have a new life plan now, one that doesn’t include addictions. I appreciate your concern and support. I’m still me, but you don’t have to worry about me any longer. Thanks for being my friend.”

What if it doesn’t Work?

What happens if, despite all your carefully thought-out and practiced scenarios, what you say doesn’t have the effect you intend? What if your friends continue to bring up the past? How should you approach the situation?

You could try modifying what you said previously – maybe saying it a little differently, or with more directness. You could walk away. You could tell the person that any discussion of your past is off limits or that you are no longer friends. If the person is your boss or co-worker, you may need to employ a different strategy. Perhaps you will need to change jobs, get a transfer or a new supervisor. If it’s your co-worker, you might also consider asking for a different assignment, a desk in another part of the office, or a transfer. Definitely discuss these types of situations with your counselor and/or support group members – and your significant other or spouse. Changing jobs affects more than just you. It impacts the entire family. It could, however, be just what you need in certain circumstances.

Making a Clean Break

For some individuals in recovery, the only solution is a complete break from the past. No more association with former drinking pals or friends that continuously get high. Moving to another location, a different city, county or state may be an option. Definitely finding a new circle of friends – clean and sober ones – should be in your plans.

Map out your short- and long-term goals. Where do you want to be 6 months, a year, 5 or 10 years from now? What kinds of skills, knowledge, training or degrees do you need? Put together a plan for how to achieve those goals and work toward them every day. Doing so will put you in contact with new people with whom you can potentially form friendships. Don’t limit yourself. At this point in your recovery, you have all your options open. Your future is something that you create for yourself. It’s not something that someone else can do for you. And you shouldn’t ever let someone else’s negative energy or influence shape your life.

Maintain a Positive Outlook

Be optimistic about your future. Embrace each and every day as an opportunity to learn and to grow. Reach out to others and be of service. Getting outside yourself is a great tonic for the blues or sadness that may crop into your thoughts – especially if you now have a lack of close friends with whom to share quality time. Don’t worry. There will be others. Fill your life with meaningful activities, working toward your goals, and be open in spirit.

Generosity of spirit is more than good practice. It rewards the giver with much more than the effort it takes to do it. When you look outside your own concerns and problems and do your best to help another, you are replenished in more ways than you can imagine. It’s called positive spiritual energy. Giving allows you to receive. This simple concept is one of the most profound and can radiate positive results in your life in recovery.

Take it one day at a time. Be positive, be hopeful, have a plan, help others and keep at it. Before long, not only will there be no one bringing up the past, but you won’t think twice about it yourself. After all, today and all your tomorrows are yours to live.

Tags: addiction recovery, friends, relationships