Rather than finding an honest support group of other moms who find the job a bit bigger than they anticipated, sometimes mothers fall into the trap of thinking that they just aren’t up to the task and masking their distress in excessive alcohol use. This produces a negative cycle with repercussions for everyone in the home – especially the kids.

Turning Point is the name of a United Kingdom organization which provides health services including drug and alcohol abuse treatment along with mental health care. The organization has released information which shows that the abuse of alcohol within the nuclear family is rising in that country. Turning Point released its findings in a report titled: Bottling It Up: The Next Generation. The report focused not only on adult misuse of alcohol, but on how misuse by parents negatively impacts the lives of children in the home.

The report says that for the year 2010-2011, a stunning 12,248 persons came to Turning Point to receive treatment for abuse of alcohol. Of that number, half (5,326) were moms and dads. The report suggests that in the U.K., approximately 2.6 million kids have at least one parent who would be considered a problem drinker.

Among those who came to Turning Point for help, 1,925 were mothers. Many of the moms reported that a perceived pressure to be "supermom" led them to abuse alcohol. Mothers who find a disparity between what they feel expected to achieve as a mom and what real life is like are looking to the escape alcohol provides – but at great cost.

Moms who feel pressure to be a perfect parent with perfect children are struggling, but the study shows that drinking only makes the problem worse. Children of alcohol-abusing parents tend to experience greater instances of depression, anxiety and other mental health disorders. In fact, of 100 parents surveyed by Turning Point:

• 55 percent said that they noted increased hostility, depression and anxiety in their children
• 28 percent reported that their child either missed school or had difficulty focusing at school
• 52 percent of them reported allowing their children to drink alcohol
• 77 percent said they allowed children under the age of 16 to drink
• 6 percent admitted allowing children under the age of 10 to drink

Mom is an important role model and influence in the lives of her children. That can be great when mom accepts that she will never be perfect yet gives her 100 percent best effort toward child-rearing. It can be devastating when mom gives in to discouragements over less-than-perfect performances and abrogates her responsibility by seeking escape through alcohol. Parents have positions of influence which can be positive or negative. When parents abuse alcohol, the negative impact on children touches them today and into their futures.

Ms. Davis says she began drinking when still a teenager living in the south. Feeling like the lone brunette in a sea of blondes, she says that drinking alcohol was her attempt at fitting in with others. And, she says, she drank a lot during those years. Pinpointing a single cause is hard for her and she doesn’t eliminate any genetic predisposition she may have inherited from a family which includes others who struggle with drinking. To Ms. Davis, alcoholism is a disease and one not to be played with.

Providentially, at age 22, she entered acting school and quickly discovered that staying up to drink was taking its toll on her ability to learn and perform. It was then that she felt she needed to choose between drinking or acting and acting won the day. The actress adopted a teetotaler attitude and has tried to follow it throughout. She has not been a drinker during her years of acting notoriety despite her on-camera persona.

As is the experience of many other recovering alcoholics, people often try to coax her to make an occasional exception to her normal no-alcohol policy, but the actress steadfastly refuses. Though she says she still has bad days, she is committed to her alcohol-free life – a life that has lasted far past the mere 30 years that she expected to live when she was a heavy-drinking teenager.

The actress says that, also like her on-screen character, she would enjoy having a husband and baby, but isn’t making it her focus. She wouldn’t mind adopting, either, and has actually turned, at least some of her focus, toward serving as global ambassador for Oxfam International through whose auspices she ended up volunteering in an AIDS orphanage. Adoption is something Ms. Davis admires, but doesn’t think she should undertake without full thought and commitment. Meanwhile, Ms. Davis sees herself as an advocate for the underprivileged and needy women and children across the African continent and uses every opportunity to spotlight their cause and raise money to improve their situation.

The lovely, sober and charitably minded movie and television star says she does have one guilty pleasure: chocolate. Deciding that being skinny doesn’t equal happiness and certainly can’t guarantee love, she indulges her love of chocolate and coffee lattes, but never has more than two.

Meyers’ addiction to alcohol has spanned several years, and the actor, now in his middle 30s, continues to seek treatment. In April 2011, is it is said that the actor left his treatment program early to resume working, but then entered again in May 2011.

Like many people who suffer from alcoholism, the disease is progressive in nature and can take several attempts at treatment or rehab before achieving long-term sobriety. Meyers’ recent entrance to rehab is said to be his fourth experience at seeking professional help for overcoming alcohol addiction.

Meyers’ struggle with alcoholism has been the source of several news reports, including some that he became intoxicated and was not allowed to board a plane in 2010. Additional reports have said that the actor was seen consuming hard alcohol at an airport bar just before a recent flight to the U.S. In 2007, Jonathan Rhys Meyers was reported to have been arrested inside the Dublin airport for charges associated with alcohol and misconduct, but the charges were later dropped.

Strong support from family and friends is critical to successful recovery from alcohol abuse. Meyers’ girlfriend, Reena Hammer, is believed to have encouraged him to enter into a rehab center. He has admitted to problems with alcohol, stating that his behavior can become erratic when he consumes alcohol.

His recent entrance to rehab is said to be the Capio Nightingale Hospital, London. Meyers’ publicists have said that he has admitted to needing time away in treatment prior to entering rehab in the past, and that the actor has been honest when in the public eye concerning his problems with alcohol. He has called himself "hopeless" when he is consuming alcohol, and his addiction is also believed to be the cause of the actor losing a fashion/fragrance contract with the brand Hugo Boss.

Alcohol rehab programs differ across the globe, and patients may be reluctant to enter – however, experts in addiction advise that the outcomes of alcohol addiction will be far worse than anything a person may experience during rehab. The program may begin with a medical alcohol detoxification, in which the patient’s body is stabilized and the person receives medical supervision as they undergo withdrawal symptoms. Medication may be prescribed to aid in the withdrawal process as well as help the patient cope with any co-occurring disorders.

When the patient is ready, many alcohol rehab programs include group meetings, support groups and individual counseling sessions. These are designed to provide the emotional support and foundation the patient needs to maintain and understand their recovery. Follow-up or after-care is also included in many alcohol rehab programs, and can last for months as the patient learns to manage their disease and resume a healthy life.

Addiction experts say it is common for patients to experience two or three relapses before the process of long-term recovery is reached. Honesty, supportive relationships and a willingness to commit to recovery as a daily process can be pivotal in helping turn relapses – as have become noted in the news for actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers – into victories.

In the “Twilight” movies, Spencer plays the leader of the Quilete Tribe, which transform from humans to werewolves. He told the crowd that he was born in Oklahoma and moved to a Native American reservation later in his childhood, where he was often teased. He was raised in an environment where mental, physical, and sexual abuse was common. His father was an alcoholic, and Spencer thought this behavior was normal because it seemed to be a way of life on the reservation.

Spencer said he started drinking alcohol as a teenager, in an attempt to help him deal with his anger. In his later teens, he moved to a mostly white community off the reservation, where he was subject to racism. He continued drinking to deal with his emotions and to try to ‘”fit in,” and landed in a rough crowd. He admitted repeatedly drinking to the point of blacking out.

After dropping out of college, Spencer moved to New York to pursue acting, and continued to drink heavily. Then, in his 20s, he started using heroin. The girl he was dating at the time got him hooked, and he would often go to auditions high. The girlfriend eventually left him, and his addiction caused him to lose his apartment and his career.

When he realized he had hit bottom, he entered rehab, where he learned that alcoholism is a common occurrence among Native Americans. After becoming sober, he was about to give up on acting when is agent asked him to audition for the sequel to “Twilight.” He got the part, and is still clean and sober.
 

Vaneitta Goines, program advisor for the Office of Volunteer programs, said Spencer’s speech could help students who are struggling with addiction or know someone who is. She added that several students asked Spencer questions about how to help their friends who are battling alcoholism or drug addiction.
 

Source: Daily Illini.com, Katie Durkin, Twilight Star Shares His Story of Struggle with Substance Abuse, November 4, 2010

The study, published in the Oct. 19, 2010, issue of Alcoholism: Clinical Experimental Research, studied the effect of long-term drinking on mice with two different genetic variants: one was genetically normal and the other lacked the dopamine D2 receptor, which responds to the release of dopamine, the neurotransmitter that controls pleasurable feelings. In the mice lacking the dopamine D2 receptor, there were significant changes in areas of the brain that are associated with addiction.

Panayotis Thanos, a neuroscientist with Brookhaven Lab and the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) Laboratory of Neuroimaging, said that their study shows that the effects of long-term drinking on the brain are significantly influenced by the individual’s genetic makeup. The study also helps explain how genes can interact with the environment (in this case, long-term heavy drinking) to result in addiction in some people but not others. Genetic screening could provide important information to help more vulnerable people understand the risks of drinking.

Several studies performed at Brookhaven and elsewhere suggest that having a dopamine deficiency may make people more vulnerable to addiction. By breeding mice that lacked the dopamine D2 gene and controlling their alcohol intake, the researchers were able to test the effect of this genetic mutation on the brain’s response to heavy long-term drinking.

In the study, half of the mice drank only water, and the other half drank an alcohol solution that emulated heavy drinking in humans. After six months, they compared the levels of a different receptor, cannabinoid type 1 (CB1) in different regions of the brain in all the mice. CB1 receptors are known to play a role in addiction and are located near the dopamine receptors. Studies suggest that these receptors influence each other.

The results showed that the mice without D2 receptors that drank water had increased levels of CB1 receptors compared with the mice that had D2 receptors and drank water.
However, mice without the D2 receptors that drank alcohol had about half the amount of CB1 levels as the D2-deficient mice that drank water.

The study suggests that those who have a D2 receptor deficiency, or experience lower-than-normal reward in response to a drug, may be more likely than those without this deficiency to seek out further stimulation of the brain’s reward system by continuing or increasing drug use.

Source: Science Daily, First Direct Evidence That Response to Alcohol Depends on Genes: Dopamine Receptor Deficiency Leads to Significant Brain Changes in Response to Drinking, October 20, 2010

The gene variant, called CYP2E1, is located on the terminal region of chromosome 10—a region thought to serve an important function in the metabolism of alcohol. However, new evidence by UNC researchers has indicated that CYP2E1 is also strongly related to an individual’s response to alcohol. Among the 10–20% of the population that carry the gene variant, individuals have a lower sensitivity to the effects of alcohol, causing them to feel more inebriated after just a few drinks of alcohol compared to others who do not possess the variant. Previous research has indicated that individuals with lower sensitivities to alcohol are less likely to develop alcoholism, but the underlying genetic basis for this was not well known. Based on his latest findings, lead author Dr. Kirk Wilhelmsen suggests that this occurs because changes taking place in CYP2E1 may cause the release of more free radicals in response to the presence of alcohol.

The discovery of the gene variant’s role in alcohol sensitivity may lead to a greater understanding of how people perceive alcohol and how alcohol affects the brain. The process of alcoholism, although extensively researched and still not completely understood, is thought to be caused by disruption of neurotransmission in the brain. The generation of more free radicals by changes in the CYP2E1 gene complicates this process further since it also incites the metabolism of alcohol—but in the brain. In general, alcohol is believed to be metabolized by enzymes in the liver, but because alcohol metabolism is also taking place in the brain, individuals with the gene variant are more protected against the risk of alcoholism than those without the variant. Identifying a lack of variation in the CYP2E1 gene in patients could help clinicians recognize those who are at an increased risk for alcoholism.

For the study, Dr. Wilhelmsen and colleagues recruited 237 pairs of college-age siblings who had at least one alcoholic parent. Participants were not dependent on alcohol themselves, allowing researchers to narrow their study specifically on the relationship between the genetics of the individuals and their alcoholic behavior. Alcoholism is a genetically influenced behavior, yet these family pairs did not develop a problem with alcohol even though their parents did. Using an alcohol consumption challenge, participants were asked to self-rate their alcohol perceptions at different intervals after consuming approximately three drinks of alcohol. Participants could use such descriptions as “I feel drunk,” “I don’t feel drunk,” “I feel sleepy,” or “I don’t feel sleepy” to depict the way the felt. By using a process known as linkage and association, the researchers were able to map the exact gene region that seemed to be influencing the participants’ perceptions of alcohol. As a result, researchers linked the chromosome 10 as the region where alcohol perception occurred, with associations to changes taking place in the CYP2E1 gene.

In conclusion, the researchers found a specific variation of the CYP2E1 gene causes individuals to be more sensitive to the effects of alcohol. Absence of this variation could predict a higher risk for alcoholism. The new study will be published in the January 2011 issue of the journal Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research and is currently available online in Early View.

Although the researchers indicate that the CYP2E1 gene plays a significant role in the metabolism of alcohol and individuals’ perceptions of alcohol, it is just one reason related to risk of alcoholism. Other factors, such as environmental, biological, behavioral, as well as other genes, may also be responsible for one’s likelihood for developing alcoholism later in life. Yet the latest discovery could help scientists better understand the process of alcohol dependency.

Source: UNC Healthcare, Scientists find gene linked to alcoholism, October 19, 2010

The researchers analyzed data from 24 randomized controlled trials, which totaled 6,915 alcohol-dependent patients who were also undergoing therapy. They found that acamprosate prevented relapse in one out of nine patients who had quit drinking, and increased the length of abstinence from drinking by an average of three days a month.

Lead researcher Susanne Rösner of the Psychiatric Hospital at the University of Munich, Germany, said that while acamprosate isn’t a magic bullet, it is a safe and effective treatment for people who are trying to stop drinking. She added that while the benefits from the trails are small, the benefits are in addition to those gained from other non-drug treatments such as therapy.

The researchers underscored the importance of respecting a patient’s right to choose which type of treatment route they take by providing information about the benefits and side effects of medication when recommending treatment.

Rösner said that clinicians should take their patients’ concerns and reservations about treatment strategies seriously, and should always share treatment methods that have been shown to work with their patients.

Source: Science Daily, Acamprosate Prevents Relapse to Drinking in Alcoholism, Review Finds, September 9, 2010

Jonathan Landrum Jr. of The Canadian Press writes that Wilson, nominated for best R&B album for "Uncle Charlie" and best male R&B vocal performance for "There Goes My Baby," has one of the most recognizable voices in R&B. As lead singer of the Gap Band in the early 1980s, his crisp tenor anchored hits like "Outstanding" and "You Dropped the Bomb on Me." The group, which included brothers Ronnie and Robert, were among the top R&B acts in the nation.

But Wilson says the Gap Band hit a roadblock in 1986 when they asked to split their publishing deal with their manager. Wilson claims the manager dropped them and then had them blackballed in the industry, threatening anyone who tried to sign them since the group was still under contract with him.

"I couldn’t bounce back from that," he said. "Everywhere we went, he ran interference. He threatened people. It was a sad situation. Drugs came a lot more. My brothers and I weren’t getting along that well."

A lack of cash flow and an addiction to cocaine and alcohol led Wilson to become homeless, as he slept in the alleys of Los Angeles’ Hollywood Boulevard between 1993 and 1995.

Some of the homeless who knew of the singer took care and protected him, finding him food and building a place for him sleep. He used a brick for his pillow, cardboard for a bed, and shopping carts to surround him.

Outside of his homeless friends, Wilson didn’t want to be seen by anyone else. During the daytime, he would hide away from the public until dark. "It was horrifying," he said. "When the sun came up, I ran like Dracula. I tried my best to hide."

Wilson, who was about 130 pounds while homeless, didn’t realize how much weight he lost until his cousin (a former drug addict) saw him and told him about his frail frame. She persuaded him to check into a 28-day program at a drug rehabilitation center.

The now 180-pound Wilson says he still used cocaine during the first part of his stay there, until he was called into a social worker’s office. "She asked me what I am going to do when I leave here?" he recalled. "That’s when I broke down and cried. I thought about it and knew I didn’t have nowhere to go. From there, I started to gather the tools that’s [sic] help me for the rest of my life."
The social worker soon became his wife, Mahin Wilson. Charlie, who has been off drugs for about 15 years and still lives in California, said he wouldn’t have made it this far without her.

"She’s been with me every step of the way," Wilson said. "We go everywhere together. God just sent me this angel. She would just hang with me. That’s a true backbone you need when you’re going through something."

Mahin said it was tough when Charlie would have withdrawal symptoms, but that she knew she was placed in his life to help him recover.

"During his stage (of recovery), he wanted to pick a fight or argue—anything," she said. "Knowing that, it led me to say to myself, ‘OK, this is my husband and I’m going to stick with him."’

Once Wilson got his life back on track, he wanted to revive his career, but found other obstacles. He said numerous record labels wouldn’t give him a chance and people who he worked with before thought his soaring vocals were no more.

He credits Snoop Dogg and R. Kelly for helping him resurrect his career. He put out a CD in 2001, and Kelly wrote his 2005 comeback hit, "Charlie, Last Name Wilson" and produced the album of the same name, which went gold.

"As soon as everybody knew R. Kelly was working with me, everybody who told me ‘No’ stuck their head up and was calling my cell phone," he said. "I don’t even know how they got it."

Snoop Dogg said he looks to Wilson for inspiration. The rapper started working with Wilson in 1996, featuring him as a guest on five of his albums, including the 2003 smash hit "Beautiful," featuring Pharrell.

"He’s been more of a family adviser, more of a father figure, more an uncle than a musician," the rapper said of Wilson through email. "Musically, we get down and have the most fun in the world when we are in the studio. But I really appreciate him for the things that he does away from the music such as being a man and letting me know what it is to be a man."

Homelessness wasn’t the only problem Wilson had to overcome. In 2008, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. But his doctor told him they caught the cancer early and he was treated with radiation implants.

Last year, he proved his 2005 success was no fluke with his latest album, "Uncle Charlie." It debuted No. 2 on the Billboard Top 200. His single "There Goes My Baby" spent 10 weeks at the top spot on the Billboard R&B Adult Contemporary chart, and 52 weeks on the chart in total.
Now, Wilson is healthy and working with the Prostate Cancer Foundation, spreading the message through his concert tour for black men to get tested. He’s also performed in Iraq and Kuwait to perform for U.S. troops last year.

With his recent accolades, Wilson believes he has finally proved to doubters that his music is timeless, saying the best is yet to come.

"They were laughing at me," he said. "But I know I can out-sing you and out-step you. As long as I got the knees and the legs, God already gave me the voice, I’m going to get you. I’m here and it’s just the beginning. So look out homie, Charlie Wilson is going to be around here for a while."

Where Are You in Recovery?

If you are new to recovery, this may be the first time in a long time that you’ve been in a frame of mind to even have a relationship on a deeper level with another individual. This may not be something you want to hear, but now may not be the time to actively pursue a romantic involvement. You may need to give yourself more time to work on your coping skills, give and receive support from your 12-step friends, and work on charting your short-term and long-term goals. Why? The answer is simple. You want to be in a position to freely give and receive love and affection, and not have things clouded by your ongoing work to remain clean and sober. In other words, your focus right now should be on your recovery, as well as envisioning a future that encompasses everything you want – including sharing your life with another.

When you are further along in recovery and to the point where you are actively helping others in their own recovery, you’re in a better position to begin or strengthen a romantic relationship with another person. In fact, it’s probably a much more realistic time for you to meet someone new, someone sober, and with whom you can begin to interact. Still, there’s the nagging question: when is the right time and what do I say?

Examine Your Motives

Before you decide anything, or blurt out your story at the first available opportunity, examine what it is that you want to get out of this relationship. This is not about you being selfish. Rather, it’s about how genuine your feelings are for the other person. If what you are feeling is truly from the heart, you will want to give and do things that make this person happy, that help him or her grow. In other words, you are reaching outside yourself. How different from the days when all you thought about were your own problems, or getting your next drink or keeping your troubles from costing you your job or resulting in financial and legal difficulties. An outer focus instead of an inner focus is a sign of progress in recovery.

But you know you’re an alcoholic. And you’ll always be an alcoholic. Back to your motives, if what you want is something wholesome and good with this individual that you are beginning to care more for, then you can’t really separate the part of yourself that is the alcoholic from the current equation.

Deep inside, you know you have to tell this person the truth. You can avoid the inevitable for a while, but it will come up. It’s best to prepare yourself so that you can speak honestly about your situation.

How Far Along is the Relationship?

Another point to consider is the length of time you have been seeing the other person. If this is someone you’ve just met, you may need a little more time to decide if what you’re experiencing is just a passing friendship, a relationship that may be a long-term friendship, or something a bit more.

Looking at the time you’ve known this individual, has the relationship remained at the casual level – going out to a movie, sporting event, participating in outdoor recreational activities where there are lots of other people? Or has it become more intimate, dinner dates, spending time alone on a more regular basis? If it’s the latter, you’ve already become somewhat emotionally invested in the relationship. This isn’t said to scare you. It’s just a point to keep in mind.

What is the Chemistry?

Do you feel that the other person shares a deepening connection with you? Has this person said so or indicated so by his or her actions? Have you engaged in sexual relations yet? Have you been invited to and spent time with his or her family? Does he or she have children and is there any involvement with them at this time?

The more chemistry you both feel, the more urgent the issue becomes for you to give full disclosure.

What to Say

Only you can decide the right words to use, given your personality and that of the other individual, the situation and circumstances when you elect to tell this person you’re an alcoholic. But, here are some suggestions on how to start:

• There’s something I need to tell you and I want you to know that I’m only telling you because I care about you…
• You might have noticed that when we go out, I only order [coffee, soft drink, water, etc.]. There’s a reason for that…
• At first, I thought that we were just friends, and I didn’t want to get into my past, but now I feel that there’s something more, or there could be something more, and I want to be totally honest with you…
• I really enjoy your company, and it seems to me that you feel the same. So, it’s only right that I tell you a little more about myself, something that I know might make a difference in our relationship…
• We’ve been having such a good time together lately, and I find myself looking forward to seeing you – more than I would have thought at first. To be honest, what I’m about to tell you is something that I wish I didn’t have to, but I don’t want there to be any secrets between us…
• For a long time in my life, I’ve been closed off. I didn’t really want to share my life with anyone. Now that I’ve met you and we’ve spent some time together, I realize that I do want to open myself up. It’s important to me that you know who I am, so that what we have can be based on trust and complete honesty…

What are the Consequences of Disclosure?

Let’s look at this for a moment. It’s a natural fear that once we reveal something painful about ourselves to another that the individual may turn away from us. Telling someone you care about (or are beginning to care about) that you are an alcoholic may, in some instances, frighten that person off. If that’s the case, your relationship with that person would have deteriorated anyway, somewhere down the line. The person simply cannot deal with alcoholism, whether it’s you or someone else. This could be for any number of reasons: stigma, family history, past bad experience with an alcoholic, preconceptions, etc. You can’t change how the person feels or predict how they will react. This is just the price of being honest.

One thing is certain. If you fail to tell the truth and it comes out later – as it will – the consequences will be worse than if you are honest now. Think about it realistically. Wouldn’t you rather know something this profound about a loved one rather than it being kept from you? Caring about another means that you offer full disclosure – no secrets!

What happens after you tell this person that you care about that you are an alcoholic? Individuals react differently. Some will ask a lot of questions, seeking to understand or know what, when, how, how long, etc., what stage of recovery you are in or many details. Others may just take it in and say they need time to think about it. After all, the revelation is a pretty big one. Naturally, it takes time to digest and come to terms with the knowledge.

Maybe there’ll be a cooling off period, or a hiatus, or a total break. You need to be prepared for any and all of them. After some time, the person may come back, having accepted the facts of your circumstance and wanting to proceed with the relationship. Or, they may not be able to commit to an ongoing relationship with you – not necessarily because of your alcoholism, although it could be that, but because of their own attitudes and beliefs about alcoholism and their perceived or actual inability to deal with it.

Again, there’s nothing you can do about the other person’s reaction to what you say or the consequences afterward. When you share this much of yourself with another, it’s scary, painful and fraught with uncertainty. How can it not be? All you can do, then, is to convey how much the person means to you, and how you want to be upfront and honest.

Say what you need to say. Do it sooner rather than later. Be caring, direct, choose your words carefully and speak from the heart. If what you have is the real thing – genuine affection for another – your words and your actions (speaking the truth in a caring manner) will carry a lot of weight. They will mean something to the other person. What it means for your future relationship together is something that you have no control over now.

Above all, believe in yourself. Trust that you will be, by virtue of going through this experience, better able to deal with it in the future. If this relationship doesn’t pan out (for any reason already mentioned or another), there’s probably one ahead of you that will. Finding love and/or a life partner takes a lot of give and take in any circumstance. It’s not unique to an alcoholic. Don’t be so sensitive and don’t take it personally.

Take each day in recovery as a gift and a promise. The gift is that you are in a new stage of your life, one of sobriety. The promise is that you can make your future what you want. Your only limitation is failing to dream. Open yourself up. As you give to others of your time, energy and heart, they will do the same.

Sooner or later, you will meet or connect again with a love interest that accepts you with love. You are an alcoholic, but it does not define who you are today or who you will be tomorrow.

One final point: Enduring love is built on trust. The bedrock or foundation of a lasting relationship is mutual trust and respect. It’s a sign of total integrity, of wholeness and personal growth that you are able to give of yourself and receive in return.
Now, about telling your love interest that you are an alcoholic – what are you waiting for? Make a list of the points you want to convey, practice saying it in a mirror in your most sincere and caring manner. Then, just do it.

Too often, the media relays images of today’s American father in a rather dishonorable, scornful, and offensive light, which may seem out of tune with a customarily prideful and patriotically minded nation. In the news, we hear of irresponsible dads who are absent from the picture, unwilling to support their families, and who choose to carouse in their drunken revelry instead of behaving like a good father should.

Unfortunately, this message has been so propagated in television shows, music, films, news reporting, and the court system—thanks to a prevalent national divorce rate—that it has now saturated our homes and become a common acceptance in the minds of mothers, children, and even fathers. While some men do neglect their families, all single fathers are stricken with the burden of challenging a life-long stereotype of being incapable of providing for their own children financially and emotionally.

Men are traditionally presented with the expectation of fulfilling their gender’s role: family provider, head of household, or breadwinner. In his book Divorce in Psychosocial Perspective: Theory and Research, Joseph Guttmann wrote, “Family status is the most significant social variable accounting for a disparity between the genders in adult psychopathology.” Since the dawn of the industrial era, men have been expected to be gone for long periods of time while earning money to support their families, while women stay at home to raise the children and keep up the house.

Because of this economic family structure, Guttmann wrote, women in our country have been viewed as being solely responsible for raising the children, while men are considered to be solely responsible for providing the income. In these terms, fathers must be capable of satisfying this fiscal ideal in order to live up to their male identities.

In the book Throwaway Dads: The Myths and Barriers That Keep Men from Being the Fathers They Want to Be, authors Ross Parke and Armin Brott write, “For men much more than for women, providing for their families is inextricably tied to their self-image and even to masculinity itself.” According to Guttmann, in this polar division of gender in the household, fathers are deemed as distant role models for their sons and an example of what their daughters should aspire for in a husband, and they are considered as being ethical, materialistic support for their wives.

The problem with exclusively typecasting a good father as a good provider is that the equation neglects the role that fathers serve emotionally, psychologically, and sociologically, according to Parke and Brott. Wade Horn, director of the National Fatherhood Initiative, notes that “emphasizing fatherhood in largely economic terms has helped contribute to its demise. If we want fathers to be more than just money machines, we need a culture that supports their work as teachers, coaches, nurturers, disciplinarians, and moral instructors.” Mothers and fathers alike are culturally susceptible to accepting the “breadwinner” stereotype and rigidity of gender roles, and condone the idea that any man who cannot fit the mold is considered flawed.

This haphazardly sets the father up to fail in the role of nurturing his children. Guttmann writes, “Because women more than men are involved in housework and childcare, they are viewed as being more naturally oriented toward (hence better at) an expressive role…And yet, despite endless reinforcements to the belief that parenthood is biologically based and not learned, there is no scientifically conclusive evidence to sustain the claim that fathers cannot or should not fully participate in caring for and raising children.” Despite the change in modern households where mothers are now working more and the emphasis of both parents’ participation is deemed as mutually significant, a father’s importance in child rearing is still very much forgotten.

If a man becomes seen as unable to fulfill his duty as husband and father, all odds begin to work against him, particularly in the division of family. Even though almost every state’s legislation prohibits judges from granting custodial preference based solely on gender, the legal system still demonstrates a trend of favoring women by a huge margin. Parke and Brott note that more than 82 percent of the time the mother is granted sole custody, and only 7 percent of cases resolve in joint custody. An interesting justification for excluding fathers was even taught and upheld by the Family Law Committee of the Minnesota Bar Association. Their 1971 guidelines stated:

“Except in very rare cases, the father should not have the custody of the minor children of the parties. He is usually unqualified psychologically and emotionally; nor does he have the time and care to supervise the children. A lawyer not only does an injustice to himself, but he is unfair to his client, to the state, and to society if he gives any encouragement to the father that he should have custody of his children.”

Since the mid-1960s, a movement in the U.S. government policy began to shift away from fathers. Parke and Brott explain that the federal assistance program Aid to Families with Dependent Children (AFDC) was set up in a way that deliberately excluded fathers: “Women, it seems, are presumed to be fit parents; men, as in so many other parenting-related areas, have to prove it.” According to the U.S. Census Bureau, out of 11.6 million single parents living with their children in 2008, 9.8 million of them are single mothers and only 16 percent of them are single fathers. The chances of a man gaining any rights to his fatherly privileges are slighted, not likely, or seen as unreasonable.

“Contrary to the image of the swinging playboy after the divorce,” writes Guttmann, “custodial and non-custodial single fathers suffer serious emotional and physical effects…single fathers undergo a great deal of stress and describe an array of feelings such as anger, sadness, resentment, and depression.”

With the media and the government encouraging the idea that women don’t need men in order to raise their children and are better off without them, fathers are left in a destitute position in the family. Men are logistically ruled out of the equation, and ultimately classified as unnecessary except as a distant provider of money, leaving them alone to battle with the rage, shame, and frustration resulting from their loss.

Masculinity, as it is characterized, has also taught men that sadness is a form of weakness and that they need to solve their problems themselves. William C. Klatte writes in his book, Live-away Dads: Staying a Part of your Children’s Lives When They Aren’t a Part of Your Home, that because of this belief, men are more likely to be depressed and not seek help, and instead think they must hide their emotions, which causes more harm.

Over time, these suppressed emotions become so obscure and bottled up that these fathers stop feeling real emotions altogether, and begin merely going through the motions of their prescribed lives. “Another rub with avoiding sadness” writes Klatte, “is that it has a way of boiling over in anger or acting itself out as alcoholism, loneliness, isolation, ulcers, headaches, conflicts at work, sleep problems, or other things worse than the sadness itself.”

Now that these single fathers have to try to raise their children from a distance and maintain some impact on their children’s lives, some fathers find the challenge to be too overwhelming, or feel that they are not good enough fathers and that their children are better off without them.

Depression among single fathers is not only common, but it helps perpetuate a vicious cycle by justifying why they are viewed as “deadbeat dads” when they rely on self-medication through alcohol or drug abuse instead of seeking professional help. Guttmann writes, “It might also be argued that the condition of being a divorced parent without custody of children (the situation of most men in this category) is psychologically more risky than being a divorced parent with custody (as are most women in this category).”

According to the Associated Press, in 2007 more men than women (about 42 percent of men and about 19 percent of women) had reported a history of either alcohol abuse or alcoholism during their lives, and these figures still do not include those who chose not to report their alcoholism.

Alcohol is usually sought to relax the individual or to help them forget about their worries, but because it is a depressant itself, it actually deepens the depression the individual may already be suffering from. Isolation, depression, and consumption increases in order to withstand higher levels of tolerance over time, and for single fathers already feeling lost and hopeless, it becomes a sneering entrapment.

Klatte writes that in the eyes of the court, it is particularly difficult to place restrictions on live-in parents because they are responsible for their children’s daily care. Yet if a live-away parent violated his or her court-ordered rules (for example, creating an unsafe environment by drinking), the access to his or her children can be restricted easily.

Even though both mothers and fathers usually pay child support on time, the courts still drastically persecute fathers in a much higher percentage rate. The mothers, their lawyers, and the legal system can easily punish a father for outstanding payments or behavior they disapprove of, and sometimes do not find mothers who withhold their children from seeing their fathers as acting offensively.

It is commonplace to keep children away from their fathers for a number of reasons—Parke and Brott note that more than six million children are being denied access to their fathers each year. Even though eliminating a child’s father from his or her world can be seen as protecting children from harm’s way, children who grow up in fatherless families have more emotional problems, do worse in school, and have higher rates in criminal activity.

Statistically, children who have good relationships with their non-custodial fathers are less likely to abuse alcohol or drugs than children who never see their non-custodial fathers. However, children who live with no contact from their biological fathers are more than twice as likely to abuse drugs or alcohol.

Whether single fathers choose alcohol abuse as their escape valve to retreat from their depressing circumstances or mothers become unwilling to cooperate with their children’s fathers, the real harm produced by this ongoing cycle of the “deadbeat dad” convention is felt by the children. If children are denied access to one of their parents, they become more susceptible to carrying on the broken-home tradition in adulthood.

The problems with the legal system and society’s viewpoints on single dads will not vanish or improve overnight; the real change begins with seeking the proper help for substance abuse through professional guidance, 12-steps programs, or medical treatment. Also, for two-household families, counseling, mutual involvement, and focus on individual responsibilities and constructivism can help maintain the health and well-being of the children involved during this vulnerable and challenging period in their lives.