Between 1993 and 1998, Ms. Butler performed the starring role in ABC television’s blue collar comedy Grace Under Fire. The show enjoyed great success ranking among the top ten television programs for two of its seasons. Personally, Butler also found success and was honored twice for her work by being nominated to receive a Golden Globe award. The show was favorably compared to the prior major success sitcom Roseanne. Ms. Butler was receiving accolades, but was evidently stingy when it came to sharing the joy.

Lacking Grace Under Fire

According to her own account, Ms. Butler spent her years on Grace Under Fire behaving badly and treating people around her with disrespect. The former television star says that she was abusing drugs during those years but failed to see the impact her drug habit was taking on her career and on her working relationships. She reports berating co-workers over dialog down to the choice of a single word in a 22 minute script.

Though she didn’t realize it at the time, she now sees how she was making those around her miserable. In an attempt to paint a picture of her diva-like behavior, Ms. Butler recounted an incident when she placed a call to her then-manager in order to complain about the color of the limousine which had been sent to carry her to an awards event. Looking back, Ms. Butler acknowledges she ought to have been told to be grateful for the luxury ride. Instead she was coddled.

From LA Mansion to Homeless Shelter

Her drug use and rude behavior caught up to her one day in 1998 when the show’s creator decided everyone, including himself, had had enough and asked Ms. Butler to leave. The show was cancelled and Ms. Butler entered drug rehab. Ms. Butler entered drug rehab several times in fact, describing her LA rehab experiences as carrying a hefty price tag ($30,000/month), offering sous chef menus but not registering with her. It was at this point that the actress gave up her LA mansion, left Hollywood and headed to a farm in Georgia. There, Butler lived with 15 pets until her bank account ran dry.

Out of work and out of money, Butler ended up living in a homeless shelter. Speaking with utter frankness, the comedic actress said she nearly died from drug use and compared herself to the late Michael Jackson. When pressed to be more specific about her drug problem, Ms. Butler replied that she "did all but crack and needles" during the worst of her drug abusing. The actress said she doesn’t concentrate on what is past. The past is filled with regret.

Butler was willing to say that she now wishes she could undo former mistakes and her bad behavior toward co-workers. She expressed a hope that former colleagues will be able to forgive her. Perhaps trying to undo past mistakes, Butler is once again in LA, this time performing stand-up comedy at the Downtown Comedy Club. She spoke of her desire to put together a reality-based TV show with herself as the center. She knows it will be hard slogging and referred to herself as a Kentucky Derby racehorse looking to make a comeback. Best of all, she verbalized a healthy desire to forgive, be forgiven and to keep laughing.

Like many teens that begin experimenting with alcohol, Lynch said the habit began as a way to cope with poor self-esteem and the belief that something within herself was beyond repair. Other symptoms of self-esteem problems as a teen included a tendency to thank people excessively and to apologize too often. Lynch, most recently known for her role as Sue Sylvester on the hit television show "Glee," said in the interview that portraying rule-oriented, angry Sue Sylvester on the show is not far removed from feelings she has carried in the past.

The actress has kept the addiction and her recovery separate from fans during her career, which has also included Christopher Guest movies "A Mighty Wind" and "Best in Show." During the long stretch of alcohol addiction from age 14 to age 31, Lynch said she doesn’t recall if she ever experienced sobriety. Lynch also reveals in her memoir that she struggled to reach her acting dreams, having left the high school play in which she earned a part as a freshman.

Jane Lynch’s memoir is scheduled for release in the fall of 2011 and will address her struggle to reach alcoholism recovery, as well as her struggles to overcome low self-esteem. Recovery, says Lynch, was extremely difficult but led her to become a stronger person and friend. She also said that having experienced addiction and recovery, she’s better able to set aside her own emotions and allow people to experience their own emotions.

In 2008, Lynch, who is a Golden Globe winner and an Emmy winner, earned a role in a sitcom about a man who gains sobriety and works to find his place in a different kind of life, apart from alcohol abuse. However, the sitcom wasn’t scheduled by any major networks and this allowed Lynch to be available for her now famous role in "Glee."

Facts About Teen Drug Abuse

Lynch’s story of early experimentation with alcohol is a repeated trend. According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, teen binge drinking is rising in the U.S. Every year, around 5,000 teens lose their life in connection with alcohol consumption. A Monitoring the Future study showed that 75 percent of high school seniors, more than 66 percent of sophomores and 40 percent of eighth graders have experimented with alcohol. About 29 percent of seniors had admitted to binge drinking in the past 14 days.

Research indicates that the younger a teen begins to experiment with alcohol, the greater their likelihood of participating in other risky behaviors. In 2003, a teen’s average age at which they began to try alcohol was 14, compared to 17.5 during the 1960s.

Symptoms of Sexual Addiction

The symptoms of sexual addiction can be hidden at first by many patients, but as the addiction progresses, the person may be unable to control compulsive or obsessive thoughts about sex. They may lose a job for viewing pornography online at work, or destroy their family life by becoming involved with multiple sex partners. Others with sex addiction may demonstrate obsessive masturbation or have uncontrollable urges to participate in cybersex.

Contrary to stereotypes about sexual addiction, many people use the behavior not for sexual pleasure but as a way of escaping negative emotions or to avoid their inability to form close relationships. Over time, the “high” that comes from sexual activities diminishes and the person must seek more frequent or more intense encounters to feel “normal” again.

Types of Treatment for Sexual Addiction

Due to the psychological and emotional components of sexual addiction, many treatment options involve family-based counseling. Through the course of counseling sessions, the internal issues that have prompted the addiction can be addressed.

At the same time, the spouse of a person with sexual addiction can receive counseling to cope with strong feelings of anger or shame. Because sexual addiction affects the spouse or partner in profound ways, as well as the children in the home, family counseling is often recommended.

Counseling on an individual basis for sexual addiction can concentrate on the underlying self-esteem problems or intimacy problems that may be at the root of the addiction. The ramifications of the behavior can also be addressed, and solutions presented. Persistent thought patterns can be brought to light as the therapist helps the patient understand the connections between their thoughts and their behaviors, with new, healthy behavior skills as another focus area.

Similar to treatments for alcohol and drug addictions, hypnotherapy has been utilized as a treatment option for sexual addiction. The therapy can be offered in combination with psychotherapy or used independently. The hypnotherapy treatments can help identify and deal with triggers for the behavior, and also help guide the patient toward healthy, managed reactions to these triggers. The therapist can also suggest ways to prevent a negative situation from turning into an uncontrollable urge to engage in sexual behavior.

Some patients have benefitted from prescription-based approaches, such as anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications, offered in conjunction with counseling and other treatments. Through tools like self-help groups, such as Sex Addicts Anonymous, individuals can learn to better identify their behavior triggers and establish new preventative ways of thinking and coping with life stressors. The recovery group is based upon the core principles of Alcoholics Anonymous, and only asks that members have willingness and a desire to find freedom from sexual addiction.

No single treatment has emerged as the leader in treating sexual addiction, and researchers continue to study factors, including the ways the brain’s reward system may play a role in sexual addictions. Like other addictions, overcoming sexual addiction is built upon a person’s willingness to seek help and their commitment to ongoing recovery.

Meyers’ addiction to alcohol has spanned several years, and the actor, now in his middle 30s, continues to seek treatment. In April 2011, is it is said that the actor left his treatment program early to resume working, but then entered again in May 2011.

Like many people who suffer from alcoholism, the disease is progressive in nature and can take several attempts at treatment or rehab before achieving long-term sobriety. Meyers’ recent entrance to rehab is said to be his fourth experience at seeking professional help for overcoming alcohol addiction.

Meyers’ struggle with alcoholism has been the source of several news reports, including some that he became intoxicated and was not allowed to board a plane in 2010. Additional reports have said that the actor was seen consuming hard alcohol at an airport bar just before a recent flight to the U.S. In 2007, Jonathan Rhys Meyers was reported to have been arrested inside the Dublin airport for charges associated with alcohol and misconduct, but the charges were later dropped.

Strong support from family and friends is critical to successful recovery from alcohol abuse. Meyers’ girlfriend, Reena Hammer, is believed to have encouraged him to enter into a rehab center. He has admitted to problems with alcohol, stating that his behavior can become erratic when he consumes alcohol.

His recent entrance to rehab is said to be the Capio Nightingale Hospital, London. Meyers’ publicists have said that he has admitted to needing time away in treatment prior to entering rehab in the past, and that the actor has been honest when in the public eye concerning his problems with alcohol. He has called himself "hopeless" when he is consuming alcohol, and his addiction is also believed to be the cause of the actor losing a fashion/fragrance contract with the brand Hugo Boss.

Alcohol rehab programs differ across the globe, and patients may be reluctant to enter – however, experts in addiction advise that the outcomes of alcohol addiction will be far worse than anything a person may experience during rehab. The program may begin with a medical alcohol detoxification, in which the patient’s body is stabilized and the person receives medical supervision as they undergo withdrawal symptoms. Medication may be prescribed to aid in the withdrawal process as well as help the patient cope with any co-occurring disorders.

When the patient is ready, many alcohol rehab programs include group meetings, support groups and individual counseling sessions. These are designed to provide the emotional support and foundation the patient needs to maintain and understand their recovery. Follow-up or after-care is also included in many alcohol rehab programs, and can last for months as the patient learns to manage their disease and resume a healthy life.

Addiction experts say it is common for patients to experience two or three relapses before the process of long-term recovery is reached. Honesty, supportive relationships and a willingness to commit to recovery as a daily process can be pivotal in helping turn relapses – as have become noted in the news for actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers – into victories.

Honesty is the Best Policy – But…

Deception, keeping things from those we care about, glossing over the truth and hoping it won’t come back to bite us is a dangerous path to take. The more lies you tell, the more difficult it becomes to keep track of them. If you tell one version of your background to one person, or a group of people, say your boss and co-workers, another to your family, and another yet to new acquaintances, how are you going to remember what you said to whom? What happens when these people interact and the contradictions in your past come to light? What do you think happens then – to your credibility, reputation, trustworthiness, and reliability?

You might jeopardize or ruin your chances for a promotion, or lose a lucrative potential contract. Your spouse or significant other could feel, and rightly so, betrayed and unsure of the foundation and nature of your relationship. If there are children involved, or the desire to have children, not knowing about your addiction could pose serious questions about family heredity and genetics.
How should you handle the truth about your past? How much detail should you go into, and when is the appropriate time to even have a discussion about your addiction?

It would be wonderful to state that you should always be truthful. But the fact is that not everyone has a right to know about things that happened in your past – certainly not the stranger on the street or very casual acquaintances. Some things are best kept closer to the vest. That’s the “but” in the strategy.

Let’s take an example. You should be prepared to state honestly, if the situation warrants it, that you had a problem with alcohol, received treatment and have been sober for the past 10 years. Be straightforward and don’t go into details. Briefness is best. After all, no one is perfect. We all have challenges, obstacles, and missteps in our past that we’ve had to deal with. Thanks to a greater awareness that addiction is a treatable disease, today there is much less stigma attached to it than in years past. Nonetheless, there still is a stigma about addiction. So, if the other person seems to take it as a matter of fact and doesn’t pursue the subject, consider that you’ve said enough.

What About Loved Ones?

The closer your relationships, the more honest you need to be. This just stands to reason. They’re bound to find out at some point anyway, so why try to hide your addiction? You don’t need to be blatant about it, parading your sobriety like a badge of honor. This makes others nervous, as if you have something you’re trying to prove to yourself. Save your declarations about your sobriety for your 12-step group meetings. That’s where it really belongs. Your fellow 12-step members have all been in your shoes and understand the stresses, cravings, urges, and tough times every addict faces in recovery. They’re also uniquely qualified to help you through their support and encouragement. They don’t ask anything in return, and aren’t going to jeopardize your relationships, job or social standing. Again, choose where you want to be the most open and direct.

Your spouse, partner or significant other deserves to know the most about your addiction. This is your life mate, the person with whom you share more than just your physical bonding. He or she should already know about your past, but if you’ve kept it secret up to this point, now’s the time to get it out in the open.

While it’s understandable that you would feel like this would be a bombshell that could end the relationship, it’s worth taking the risk in order to strengthen your union. The question no longer becomes one of if you should tell your spouse/partner/significant other, but when and how. Here you have a lot of discretion and latitude. You still need to pick the time, place and manner of delivery.

Tips for Telling Your Spouse the Truth

Think about what pleases your spouse the most. Is it a romantic dinner for two or a getaway to a favorite vacation spot? Does your spouse really love a thoughtful gift, flowers, or a pre-paid spa appointment? What about season passes to a nearby ski resort or a membership in a golf club? Is the best time over coffee at sunset or during a picnic lunch at a lakeside park?
Make a list of all the ideas you can come up with. Next, look over the list and see which ones are the most doable. By this, we don’t mean the easiest, but the ones that you believe will result in the receptiveness or willingness to listen to what you have to say. The timing and time of the revelation should be when you are alone together. Do not have any distractions or pressing appointments that will interfere with a solid discussion. This is true even if your spouse asks for time to think about it before discussing it further. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Wouldn’t you want time to think about such an admission before blurting out your reactions?

Prioritize the list and choose the one that seems to provide the most likely positive result. By this we mean that you’ve selected a time, place and manner that will set up the situation so that you can have a private and personal discussion about your addiction. The best advice about talking with your spouse about your addiction is to be loving and honest. Demonstrate your affection before you begin talking about the situation, and ask that your partner hear you out. You may also wish to say that you want him or her to take as much time as necessary to think about it before venturing any comment or opinion, and that you will answer any questions when they are ready.

Be Prepared for Tough Questions

Of course, having made the statement that you’d answer any questions, you need to be ready and willing to do so. Be prepared for some tough ones. The discussion may be hard for your spouse to initiate, and he or she may not do it at the most appropriate time. If possible, change your schedule to be able to accommodate the more in-depth conversation that you need to have with your spouse. If it’s not possible to go into it at the moment your spouse brings it up, specify a time that’s mutually agreeable and then stick to it.

Here are some of the questions that may pop up:

• When was the last time you used (drugs, alcohol), or engaged in addictive behavior (gambling, compulsive sex)?
• How long were you addicted? How long before I met you were you addicted?
• What age were you when you first began using drugs and/or alcohol?
• Were you ever arrested?
• Have you ever had any sexually transmitted disease? How long ago were you tested?
• Did you undergo formal treatment for your addiction?
• Did you ever suffer a relapse?
• Have you ever had serious financial difficulties, legal problems, lose a job or promotion as a result of your addiction?
• Is your condition inherited? Is your father, mother or some other close relative an addict as well?

Where to Go Next – After You’ve Had the Discussion

If you have a generally good relationship with your spouse, you should feel a great sense of relief that this secret about your addiction is finally out in the open – between the two of you. This takes a tremendous burden off you and, while it’s understandably not something your spouse would be pleased about, the fact that you have revealed it says a lot about your strength of character and integrity – as well as your love.

You trust in your spouse’s willingness to accept you for who you are, just as you would be willing to accept anything in his or her past. Another point to be made is that you should ask for your partner’s help in going forward. This gives your spouse the opportunity to acknowledge what it took for you to get this off your chest and to share it with the person you most care about. Your spouse may even say something like this: We can work through this together. Reiterate that recovery is a day to day process, and you appreciate the understanding, consideration and willingness to be a part of it.

What happens if your spouse, after you’ve revealed your addiction, says this is something they really can’t deal with? You need to be ready to accept this on the face of it. Very often spouses need some period of time for the knowledge of your addiction to sink in, to come to terms with how they feel about it and whether it compromises your overall relationship to the point of dissolution or separation.

Whatever the reaction, you have to be ready for it. If your spouse rejects you – temporarily or permanently – after you talk about your addiction, it doesn’t reflect on you as a person. It doesn’t make you bad or worthless or undeserving of his or her love. It doesn’t mean that your life is over, or that you will suffer an immediate relapse, lose your standing in the community or be rejected by your friends. You should, however, seek the encouragement and support from your aftercare counselor and/or your 12-step group sponsor and members.

A Few Words About Being Open With Friends

Depending on the length and closeness of your friendship, decide when and how to say anything about your addiction. Naturally, if you are an alcoholic in recovery, you will need to avoid circumstances where everyone is drinking. If you’ve been avoiding going to the bar with co-workers who are friends after work on Friday nights, for example, at some point you may wish to say that you’re an alcoholic and you now live a life of sobriety.

If you had a problem with marijuana or cocaine and friends light up a joint or snort coke in your presence, the first thing you should do is leave. At another time, you may wish to inform them that you once did drugs but are now sober – and intend to stay that way. Ask them not to do drugs in your presence. Tell them that it may affect your relationship if they continue to do so.

Former problem or addicted gamblers can’t take the chance of dropping a few casual bets or buying some Lotto tickets. If friends ask you to get in on the football pool or go to the casino, tell them you don’t bet. You may or may not want to say you were a compulsive gambler. As long as you have received treatment for your addiction and are in recovery, there’s no need to go into detail about your gambling addiction. What’s the point? It will just give them something to talk about – and gossip is not in your best interest.

Of course, if you have a very close friend with whom you share many interests, similar outlook and have discussed many confidences, perhaps this is one person that you may wish to tell of your addiction. Weigh and balance what feels right to you and act accordingly.

What About a New Love Interest?

Again, timing is everything. Gauge how receptive the person may be to the revelation and whether you should bring it up at this time. If you do think the time is right, say something simple and direct. I had a problem with heroin (or marijuana or ecstasy or LSD, etc.) in the past, but I’m so glad that’s in my past. I’ve been clean and sober ever since. But, don’t say this unless it is true. If you still have a problem and either haven’t sought treatment, or began it and quit, or have relapsed, maybe this isn’t the time to get involved with someone new. It’s not fair to either of you. And, if you fall into this category, you really need to get some professional help – and pronto.

Attitude is Everything

Finally, having the discussion with others – any others – about your addiction depends a great deal on your attitude. If you are positive, upbeat, and have an openness and straightforward attitude, it will serve you better than if you are down in the dumps, depressed, anxious, and nervous. How you portray yourself to others helps them calculate whether the knowledge of your addiction is something that is truly in your past or something that will potentially bring problems.

Look forward to meeting new people and to continued lasting relationships with your current friends. Remember that you are not defined by your addiction. Your life in recovery is what you make it. You are the person you have chosen to be – one who is clean and sober. Your life choices and everyday actions, even your friends, are impacted by this decision to live your life free of addiction. Celebrate that fact and move forward. You will find that you are no longer troubled by how open you can be about your addiction.

Aftercare Defined

Aftercare refers to programs that are designed to provide counseling on an ongoing basis for patients (or clients) who have already completed treatment in either a residential or intensive outpatient program for addiction.

Most aftercare programs require clients to have been chemically abstinent for some period of time prior to admission. Usually, aftercare programs immediately follow treatment and are based on a personalized plan for the individual. The client’s counselor may have the individual set recovery and life goals while still in treatment, including writing out a sober plan of action for early sobriety.

Why Aftercare is So Critical

Overcoming months or years of addiction isn’t easy for anyone. Going through treatment for the addiction is often a life-saving blessing. But it’s just the first step in an ongoing process toward recovery. Addicts are never “cured” of their addiction. They learn to understand the basis for their addiction, contributing factors, how to cope with and manage cravings and temptations, and to develop more healthy behaviors that will sustain them on their path toward recovery.

While in treatment, clients become used to a certain structure, a regular schedule of activities, duties, even recreational time. Once treatment is finished, however, there’s often a vacuum. The person is now out in the world, having to deal with situations and feelings that they may not be confident enough they can handle. In fact, relapse is a concern during the first six months following treatment. For this reason, addiction professionals recommend patients participate in an aftercare program for at least six months after they’ve completed a treatment program. Referral to a sober living environment may also be advised.

Besides regularly scheduled meetings and counseling, aftercare includes group activities during which the individual in recovery interacts with peers. This peer support and the relationships formed during abstinence-based activities often prove invaluable to persons in recovery. Alumni-based and 12-step meetings in the community are also part of aftercare programs.

Types of Aftercare Programs

Many drug and alcohol treatment facilities offer aftercare programs as part of the personalized treatment program for the client. This could be a residential treatment program or an intensive outpatient treatment program. In effect, the aftercare program becomes a continuation or extension of the initial treatment. While each aftercare program is unique, depending on the philosophy and structure of the organization, common services provided include counseling, one-on-one and group meetings, lectures and educational discussion, recreational and social activities.

As to types of aftercare programs available, these also differ depending on the facility or entity providing the aftercare program. There are aftercare programs that are designed for adolescents only, or for adults only, or for men or women only. Some are specifically for those recovering from substance abuse, while others may include may include other addictions or disorders.

Aspects of a Typical Aftercare Program

Sessions or group meetings are scheduled on convenient days and times, in order to best meet the client’s schedule. Programs include interactive process sessions, practical instruction and group support.

Sessions may include the following (although this list is not all-inclusive):

• Relapse prevention skills
• Understanding the risks and problems involved in recovery
• Development of relationship skills
• Stress, anxiety and anger management
• Family dynamics
• Coping mechanisms for dealing with issues related to abstinence
• Addressing triggers
• Reminders of activities that are helpful to maintain serenity in a chaotic (or tempting) environment
• Learning from others who are successful in their sobriety how they achieved their goals
• Vocational education or job skills development

Some aftercare programs may include retreats and recreational activities throughout the year.
In addition, random and infrequent testing for drug and/or alcohol use may be part of the aftercare program.

Alumni/aftercare includes alumni of the aftercare program who are business people and community leaders. These individuals often serve as valuable resources to new clients in aftercare, helping them identify employment opportunities. Alumni also serve as role models to those newly enrolled in the aftercare program.

Adolescent Aftercare Program for Substance Abuse

Programs for young adults recovering from substance abuse focus on the unique needs of the individuals recovering from drug and/or alcohol abuse/dependence and who need to accept personal responsibility. Such aftercare programs emphasize recovery from the substance abuse/dependence, academic components, responsibility as an integral part of young adulthood, and recreation as an important element of a healthy, balanced life free of drugs or alcohol.

A big part of the aftercare program involves recovery. The young person needs to:

• Understand their addiction and learn relapse prevention skills
• Learn to recognize their emotions and regulate emotional responses to triggers
• Become aware of irresponsible thinking patterns and the connection to substance abuse
• Participate in recreational activities to stave off boredom

Developing a sense of personal responsibility includes:

• Understanding how their emotions interact with the family
• Developing healthy habits and behaviors based on a daily structure – which also helps develop skills for independent living
• Goal-setting and rewards – to help develop positive self-esteem and a sense of accomplishment
• Developing health personal habits – to promote self-responsibility for physical and emotional health

Recreation is an essential part of the aftercare program for adolescents and young adults since boredom is one of the chief triggers to relapse. Aftercare recreational programs teach clients how to have fun without alcohol or drugs. With year-round recreational programs, clients can develop regular exercise routines, learn new hobbies or develop new interests – all in an effort to promote a healthy sense of self and positive mental health.

Lifetime Aftercare

Individuals who have completed primary care at certain treatment facilities may participate in what is known as lifetime aftercare, or weekly aftercare meetings. Such clients have usually completed residential, day or outpatient treatment programs.
Lifetime aftercare generally consists of weekly (or regularly scheduled) group meetings facilitated by an experienced counselor. The facilitator assists clients in meeting their individual recovery plans and offers guidance in their recovery efforts. The group meetings provide clients with support and feedback from the facilitator and other participants, and a forum in which they can explore obstacles and issues they face on a daily basis as well as successes.

Alumni meetings and events, including picnics, activities and new-client sponsorships are also part of many lifetime aftercare programs. Ongoing support in lifetime aftercare programs involves alumni, staff, clients, families and the community.

Best Outcomes of Aftercare Programs

The most important part of a successful aftercare program for the individual who’s involved in it is how it helps prepare them to stand on their own. They need to find empowerment that they can live their own lives free of being dependent on any chemical substance or addiction. They need to know that they are the ones who control their own destiny, who chart their own future – and that they’re not relegated or destined to a prescribed scenario as envisioned by others.

Just as no one else but the addict can choose to become sober, only the recovering addict can choose to remain in sobriety. No amount of treatment, lectures, peer influence or family exhortations can make the ultimate difference. It’s the individual who chooses. In this sense, aftercare programs that foster this sense of self-confidence and self-esteem in the recovering individual provide the opportunity for the best outcomes.

Statistics show that individuals who regularly attend aftercare, therapy and 12-step meetings are significantly less likely to return to former self-destructive behaviors than if they only participated in one of these.

What Happens When Aftercare is Done?

Unless the client is involved in a lifetime aftercare program, sooner or later (6 months to a year or longer) the program is done. The client is now completely on their own, left to struggle with daily challenges, temptations, obstacles and triggers. Or are they? Actually, there is always additional support that comes from continued attendance and participation in 12-step group meetings. In fact, 12-step meetings are almost always part of aftercare programs and, although the aftercare program ends, the 12-step meetings can and should go on for an extended period of time.

Some individuals in recovery report that they continue to participate in 12-step meetings as a way of giving back. They seek to provide support to other individuals new to recovery – just as they received support in their early days of sobriety. Others regularly attend meetings, whether at home or around the world when traveling for business or pleasure, as a means of reinforcement, or a way of staying connected and grounded to what’s important in their lives – sobriety.

Sometimes, individuals just need a friend, someone who understands, and someone who’s been through the same type of experience. Whether it’s today, next week or next year, something may happen that rocks the carefully-established foundation of sobriety and the person in recovery needs help. Again, help and support – or an understanding ear to listen – is always available in the appropriate 12-step group. Friends, sponsors and those the recovering addict meets during these meetings may be the lifeline that keeps them firmly rooted in sobriety – or helps them out during periods of crisis.

What Should Be Hoped For?

Life should be about joy and discovery. Following treatment and participation in aftercare, the individual in recovery should make plans for the future that continually evolve. Once certain short- or long-term goals are met – make new ones. Enrichment, personal satisfaction, realization of long-held dreams, meeting someone with whom to have a lasting romantic relationship – all of these and more are what the recovering addict should hope for.

In other words, have faith that you can achieve the dreams, plans and goals that you set for yourself. Rediscover the joy in daily life that you may have missed or overlooked during your addiction. Find the love that is ready and waiting for you once you are open to receive it. What are your limits? There are none, really. Open yourself up to all the possibilities and embrace your future in sobriety.

In summary, individuals who are nearing completion or are about to complete treatment should work with their individual counselor to develop a personalized aftercare program. Plan to participate in the aftercare program for a minimum of six months following treatment – or as long as the client feels necessary. Attend 12-step meetings in conjunction with and following aftercare programs. Create goals and constantly revise them, adding new ones as opportunities arise. Be open to new possibilities and be ready to embrace them.

Differentiate Between True Friends and Not-so-true Friends

One thing for you to determine – even before you strategize which response to use to deal with the mention of your past – is how good a friend is this? Do you have a long-term relationship that’s important for you to maintain? Did you grow up with this individual, go to school, serve in the military, play sports or engage in other activities that brought you in close contact for years? Do you work with this person? Or, is this someone with whom you’re only casually acquainted, a person with whom you don’t really have much in common?

These are important differentiators because they will help you map out your response or action when the person talks about your past. Obviously, if the relationship is significant to you, you’ll want to employ a different tactic than if it’s one you can afford to (or should) lose.

Work Out Strategy in Advance

Figuring out how best to deal with unpleasant or self-destructive situations is something you learned during rehab. Sometimes these lessons need revisiting, especially since learning something – and even practicing it in group therapy – is a lot different than actually having to use it in real life. If you have continuing counseling sessions with your therapist as part of your aftercare program, discuss coping mechanisms and strategies you can employ in this situation. Role-play what the person says and your potential responses to it. Which ones seem more effective? How are they different depending on the importance of the friendship?

Private psychotherapy or one-on-one counseling, independent of or in place of aftercare, can also help with this issue – and many others that are bound to come up in your recovery.

Part of your post-treatment regimen is more than likely attendance and participation in 12-step support groups. Use the resources available to you to discuss how to handle this situation with your sponsor and/or other members of your support group – particularly those with whom you share similar background or experiences. They can prove invaluable as sounding boards. What works for one person may not work for you, but it can serve as a brainstorming session for you to devise your own plan.

Practice what you’ll Say

Knowing what you’re going to say is a good first step. But you also need to practice saying it. This is important so that your delivery matches your words. You don’t want to come off as defensive or argumentative or dismissive if the relationship means a lot to you. But you do need to be forceful and direct. The other person should have no doubt about the fact that discussion of your past is not a topic you care to address.

Depending on how well you know the individual, you can probably ascertain their motivation for bringing up what are obviously painful memories for you. This may help you develop the appropriate words to say to the person. Again, discuss various scenarios and verbiage with your counselor and/or support group members. You may even want to discuss and practice it with your significant other – with whom you’ve probably already had some occasion to go into what’s happened in your past in some detail (during family or couples therapy, joint counseling sessions and private conversations between the two of you).
Does the other person want to hurt you – because you’ve hurt them or because they have a vindictive streak? Do they want you to relapse? Yes, this is a tough thing to say, but some people don’t want others to be in recovery. If they continue to drink or use drugs, it makes them look bad because they’re either not ready or may be too weak to quit themselves. As you already know from your time in treatment, these are friends you really need to ditch. They will serve no useful purpose in your recovery and, chances are, will do everything they can to get you to fail. Potential things you can say may include:

• “There is no point bringing up the past. That’s over and done with. End of story.”
• “I’m not going to discuss what happened before, not with you. If you can’t respect my wishes, then I can’t associate with you.”
• “Your lifestyle and mine are no longer compatible. I’m not going to [drink and do drugs] any longer, and I choose not to be around others that do. I hope you understand, but if you don’t, it’s not going to change my decision.”
You might even call them on their game, if you feel that may deflect the barbs. That’s up to you. Perhaps say something like the following:
• “I’ve known you for a long time and what you’re trying to do is drag me down to your level. It won’t work.”
• “What’s past is past and I’m not going to indulge in your game of ‘how good it was.’ It wasn’t. It was an addiction, and that’s not part of my life any longer.”
• “I think you’re jealous that I’ve quit [drugs and alcohol], or maybe you just can’t stand to see me happy. I’m sorry you feel that way, but that’s your problem, not mine. I have a new life, one that I’ve chosen.”

Well-meaning friends also sometimes can’t help themselves. They may be curious how you got off drugs or alcohol, and bringing up the past may be their way of broaching the subject. There is a natural curiosity about what goes on in rehab that’s so alien to most people’s frame of reference. Of course, this is private for you, and what or how much you want to share is purely your decision. Again, it depends on how significant the relationship with this person is and what can be gained by being forthcoming – or not. You might say something like:

• “I know you’re probably curious about how I was able to kick my habit, and at some point we may be able to have a discussion about it. But now is not the time, and I hope you’ll respect my wishes and not bring up things that happened in the past.”
• “Thank you for your concern. I appreciate your friendship and the fact that you support my recovery. I am now living in the present, so I would appreciate it if you refrain from discussing things that happened in the past.”
What if the friend is also your boss or someone with whom you work closely every day? Your words may have to take on a different tone, especially with someone who has the power to fire or demote you or pass you over for promotion (however deserved). Consider carefully what to say, but here are some suggestions:
• To your boss: “I appreciate your support while I was in treatment. That’s been very important to me and it helped me tremendously. I want you to know that I’m working on my sobriety every day, attending my meetings and putting into practice what I’ve learned. You have my commitment to continue on this path of sobriety.”
• To your co-worker: “I’ve been in treatment and learned a great deal about how to cope with stresses and triggers. Let’s just say that I have a new life plan now, one that doesn’t include addictions. I appreciate your concern and support. I’m still me, but you don’t have to worry about me any longer. Thanks for being my friend.”

What if it doesn’t Work?

What happens if, despite all your carefully thought-out and practiced scenarios, what you say doesn’t have the effect you intend? What if your friends continue to bring up the past? How should you approach the situation?

You could try modifying what you said previously – maybe saying it a little differently, or with more directness. You could walk away. You could tell the person that any discussion of your past is off limits or that you are no longer friends. If the person is your boss or co-worker, you may need to employ a different strategy. Perhaps you will need to change jobs, get a transfer or a new supervisor. If it’s your co-worker, you might also consider asking for a different assignment, a desk in another part of the office, or a transfer. Definitely discuss these types of situations with your counselor and/or support group members – and your significant other or spouse. Changing jobs affects more than just you. It impacts the entire family. It could, however, be just what you need in certain circumstances.

Making a Clean Break

For some individuals in recovery, the only solution is a complete break from the past. No more association with former drinking pals or friends that continuously get high. Moving to another location, a different city, county or state may be an option. Definitely finding a new circle of friends – clean and sober ones – should be in your plans.

Map out your short- and long-term goals. Where do you want to be 6 months, a year, 5 or 10 years from now? What kinds of skills, knowledge, training or degrees do you need? Put together a plan for how to achieve those goals and work toward them every day. Doing so will put you in contact with new people with whom you can potentially form friendships. Don’t limit yourself. At this point in your recovery, you have all your options open. Your future is something that you create for yourself. It’s not something that someone else can do for you. And you shouldn’t ever let someone else’s negative energy or influence shape your life.

Maintain a Positive Outlook

Be optimistic about your future. Embrace each and every day as an opportunity to learn and to grow. Reach out to others and be of service. Getting outside yourself is a great tonic for the blues or sadness that may crop into your thoughts – especially if you now have a lack of close friends with whom to share quality time. Don’t worry. There will be others. Fill your life with meaningful activities, working toward your goals, and be open in spirit.

Generosity of spirit is more than good practice. It rewards the giver with much more than the effort it takes to do it. When you look outside your own concerns and problems and do your best to help another, you are replenished in more ways than you can imagine. It’s called positive spiritual energy. Giving allows you to receive. This simple concept is one of the most profound and can radiate positive results in your life in recovery.

Take it one day at a time. Be positive, be hopeful, have a plan, help others and keep at it. Before long, not only will there be no one bringing up the past, but you won’t think twice about it yourself. After all, today and all your tomorrows are yours to live.

Not an Easy Decision

There’ve probably been some pretty horrific and tension-laden arguments over the subject already. Sometimes just an off-hand or casual comment can be taken the wrong way by the sexually addicted partner and things just escalate from there. Not only do you feel betrayed, hurt, angry, fearful and total loss of trust in your partner, but you also sense that he or she is experiencing profound emotions as well. The tendency is to deny the problem exists, to try to ignore it, to run away from it, or to rationalize it. All are natural and expected first reactions. But they’re not the ones that will get you through this.

Recognize that this is going to be a life-changing decision. If you decide to leave, there are all kinds of consequences attendant to your choice. Ditto if you ultimately choose to stay. If there are children in the family, your decision becomes infinitely more difficult as you weigh and balance what’s the right thing to do for all concerned.

You need time to make the right decision. Don’t rush into anything prematurely. It will not be easy, and you do need counseling to help you evaluate your available options.

But He (or She) Won’t Change

While it may be true that your partner refuses to change or even seek help to deal with his or her sexual addiction – now. That does not mean that he or she will never change. It just means that they’re not ready to deal with it now. Denial is one of the first reactions of the sexual addict. “I don’t have a problem,” or “It’s not true. Someone’s been telling you lies” or “It only happened one time” are some common statements. You might buy it the first time, but certainly the declarations wear thin as the behavior continues.

What you can take from this is that your partner wants to be left alone. He or she cannot face the fact that the out-of-control sexual behavior is causing serious jeopardy to the family unit, to the relationship with you and any children in the home.
If you do nothing, however, don’t expect the situation to get better any time soon. It won’t. In fact, it will get progressively worse, since that’s what happens with sexual addiction. The behavior may have begun with surfing pornographic sites online, buying sexually explicit materials or telephone sex. Gradually, it escalated to other thoughts and behavior that occupied greater amounts of time and cost more money – and posed potentially serious negative consequences with relationships, job, health, finances and/or legal problems.

What should you do?

Get Counseling for Yourself

In order to make an intelligent and well-considered decision about whether to stay or go, you need to have all the facts first. Not the specifics about your partner’s extramarital affairs or all the sordid details about one-night stands, paying for prostitutes, or other blatantly offensive and objectionable out-of-control sexual behavior – but the facts about what sexual addiction is and how to cope with a sexually addictive partner.

Of course, you may be the type of person who wants to be in charge of exactly what, when and how your partner reveals his or her sexually addictive behavior. If this is the case, you have every right to control that release of knowledge. Before you ask about specifics, examine your own tolerance to know such details. Sometimes it may be better to not know everything – unless to not know will put your family at further jeopardy, such as matters of health, finances, social, job or legal issues.
How do you learn about sexual addiction? Go to websites for partners of sexual addicts or sexually compulsives. These are 12-step organizations or fellowships that are dedicated to helping the partners of sexual addicts deal with the grief and realities of their situations. They provide support to you as you try to understand and cope with what’s happened in your life, how to shield and protect the children, how to make the hard choices about what to do next.

Some organizations include:

• Codependents of Sexual Addicts (COSA) – COSA is a 12-step recovery program for men and women whose lives have been affected by another person’s compulsive sexual behavior. The site has a wealth of information and resources, including how to identify behaviors, recovery tools, books, literature and CDs, how to find a meeting and more. COSA’s website offers the following to newcomers in its More About COSA page: “COSA offers hope. In COSA, we begin to experience relief from our isolation, in the safety of an anonymous gathering of others who share our stories. During every meeting – little by little – sanity, clarity and our own truth begin to emerge.”

o COSA is a partner program to Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), a program for sex addicts who want to change their lives.

• S-Anon – This is a program of recovery for those who have been affected by someone else’s sexual behavior. It is a fellowship of relatives and friends of sexually addicted people who share their experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems. S-Anon’s site, on its Is S-Anon for You page, says: “If you have been affected by someone else’s sexual behavior, you can find help in S-Anon, whether or not that person seeks recovery from sexual addiction.” See also their Hope & Help page, which offers these words of encouragement: “…no situation is really helpless, and we can learn to see our problems in a new and more hopeful light. Our experience has taught us that we do have choices, and we need not feel trapped in an impossible situation.”

o S-Anon is a partner program with Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), the strictest of the 12-step programs for sexual addicts, primarily men. The group is most popular in Southern California and the Southern states.

• Co-Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (Co-SLAA) – This is a partner program to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Co-SLAA groups are forming in several states.

• SRA-Anon – This is a partner program to Sexual Recovery Anonymous, and is linked from their site. SRA-Anon is a program “for spouses, relatives, friends and significant others – when the sexual behavior of someone you love troubles you.”
These organizations have face-to-face meetings at many U.S. and international locations, and also provide for telephone or online meetings. In addition, their websites have a lot of information that you can obtain online, or order books and literature. Most have newsletters that you can subscribe to. All the meetings are anonymous and of no-charge. This is a great first step. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Most of all, you will realize that there are other partners of sexual addicts out there who have gone through exactly what you are now going through. It helps to have someone to talk with when you need it, someone who’s nonjudgmental and cares.

Private Therapy

Perhaps you’re not ready yet to share your own, or to hear about others’, experiences. If this is the case, you may benefit from private counseling. Start by locating a therapist trained to deal with partners of sexually addicted individuals. Ask your family physician or contact a treatment center that specializes in treating sexual addiction for a referral to a psychiatrist or therapist that can help you.

Be Open To Your Partner Changing

Don’t close the door on your partner’s potential and eventual recovery. He or she may yet realize that they do need help, and be willing to accept it. In the meantime, do all you can to ensure your safety and that of your children. If the situation becomes untenable at home due to your partner’s mood swings, behavior or domestic violence or child abuse, by all means take refuge somewhere safe. No one should put up with danger to themselves or their family members – for any reason.
Be alert to signs that your partner may be willing to read literature that you obtain, either books, downloaded documents, magazines or other literature. Only you can decide if the time is right to leave any of these materials in plain sight of your partner – but out of reach of minor children. It may be enough that your partner knows – and you should definitely inform him or her – that you are going to seek help to deal with his or her sexual addiction, independent of whether or not he/she is ready to do so.

At some point, you may decide, in conjunction with your therapist and after weighing and balancing your options, to issue an ultimatum: either your partner goes to get help for his or her sexual addiction, or the marriage/partnership is over. You may say that you plan to leave until this becomes a reality, but that you are fully supportive of his or her intentions to change. This, however, is not a decision for you to make today.

For now, work on healing yourself of the wounded pride, loss of self-respect, self-esteem, self-confidence – and your sanity. Just because your partner has a sexual addiction does not mean you are doomed to a life of sadness, hurt and betrayal. You can and do deserve more. Get the help you need, from whatever resource you decide works best for you, and take it one day at a time. Although it may not seem like it now, there is hope for tomorrow.

Act today and set your mind at rest.

Coping with sexual urges may seem like an impossible task. It isn’t. You can learn how. It will take three things: motivation, skills and time.

Why Urges Occur

There are two basic reasons why urges occur. If someone experiences positive mood feelings – more relaxed, more alert – after engaging in sexually addictive behavior, and repeats that behavior with the same effect, over time an urge develops. It’s a repetitive process. The more it makes you feel good, the more you want to recapture the feeling. Hence, the addictive behavior becomes more entrenched and urges propel you into the behavior.

The second reason urges occur is as a means to decrease negative mood (I won’t feel bad if I have anonymous sex multiple times, if I have sex I won’t feel anxious). When addictive behavior is used this way to block out an uncomfortable feeling, the sexually addictive urges occur in response to the negative moods – when the individual has no other coping methods.
Before discussing some specific coping mechanisms for dealing with sexual addiction urges, let’s first take a look the benefits of the addictive behavior and then at the benefits of stopping the addictive behavior. Think of the lists as the good and the bad about each.

Benefits of Sexually Addictive Behavior

If you are already in therapy for your sexual addiction, your psychotherapist may already have asked you to compile one of these lists – or something similar. If you are not yet in therapy but are considering it, or just trying to get a handle on how to deal with your sexual urges before thinking about professional treatment, do the exercise. Answer honestly, and write out the questions and the answers.

The importance of lists is two-fold. First, sex addicts, like other addicts, are often in denial. “I don’t have a problem,” or “I’ve got it under control” or some version of the same. The sex addict, however, often cannot see what others see. And the second reason for doing lists is a breakdown in communication. The sex addict’s significant other or partner may not be able to communicate what they see or feel adequately. Instead of helping to provide clarity, they may come off as overly critical or hostile. Guess what? Both result in the issue being clouded. To progress with therapy and to get at the root of the problem and learn new coping skills requires first identifying what triggers the urges.

Treatment professionals recommend starting with a general question: What it is that you enjoy or get out of the sexually addictive activity? What do you feel you life would be like without it?

Now, it’s time to get specific. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Sexual behavior helps me cope with what specific bad feelings – like anger, fear, anxiety, boredom, depression, irritability, frustration, loneliness, sadness, stress or tension? How does it help me cope?

• When I engage in this behavior, what positive moods or feelings do I have? Are there specific situations that make it better? What are they?

• How much pain would I feel if I stopped the sexually addictive behavior?

• How much does the behavior reduce physical pain?

• Regarding sexual urges, how much do they bother or scare me?

• Do I often like to test my control over my sexually addictive behavior by going right to the edge? How often?

• Do I often test my limits with this behavior – such as how many times I can do it without getting caught or some other consequences?

• What is it about the high that I feel that’s so satisfying? Can I describe it?

• Does my behavior help me fit in or socialize with others?

• Do I often use this sexually addictive behavior to help cope with conflicts I may experience with others? How often?

An important point about being able to cope with addictive urges and addiction is that it’s easier if you’re able to maintain as much of the positive benefits of the addiction as possible. At this point, don’t over think the process. Just list the positive benefits. You’ll see how it fits in later.

Benefits of Stopping Sexually Addictive Behavior

Every activity has a price or cost of doing it. This list concentrates on the benefits you feel you will get by stopping your sexually addictive behavior.

Begin again with a general question: What do you dislike about the sexually addictive activity or behavior you’ve been engaging in? What kind of harm does it cause you (and others)? Are you afraid what your life would be like if you continue the activity?
Now, ask yourself these specific questions. Again, be honest and thorough.

• Would I be more productive if I wasn’t so obsessed or preoccupied with this behavior? How much more time would I have?

• Would I have more strength, stamina and energy?

• Would my health improve? How?

• Would I have more money? How much?

• Would my pride, self-respect, self-esteem and sense of self confidence increase? How much?

• Would I have more emotional control?

• Would I be more honest with myself? With others?

• Would I be able to think more clearly, have my memory improve?

• Would I be able to avoid legal problems?

• Would my sex life with my partner or significant other improve?

• Would I be able to let go of my guilt? How much?

• Would I be able to sleep better and feel more rested in the morning?

• Would my overall appearance improve?

• Would my concentration, alertness and focus improve?

• How much better of a partner, spouse, parent, friend, employee or co-worker would I be?

• What kinds of plans could I experience that I’m not able to imagine now or that are impossible now?

Once you’ve completed both lists, take a while to compare them. What you’re trying to get at is how important the benefits are to you. At this point, many individuals have the “Aha” moment and are ready to jump into learning how to cope with the sexually addictive urges. Others aren’t so sure. If you feel confused over some of your answers or can’t quite figure out how important some are relative to others, don’t worry about it. Working through the confusion and reaching clarity on these issues is a process. You could discuss it with your loved one, a trusted friend, or, better yet, with your therapist. Chances are, sooner or later you will have occasion to meet with a therapist to resolve some issues during your recovery. This just gives you a head start and is something positive and constructive that you can do to deal with your urges.

The Importance of Motivation

If you’ve arrived at the conclusion that your sexually addictive behavior is out of control, and you don’t seem able to stop it despite negative consequences, but you do want to tackle the addiction and learn a new lifestyle, you already know about the first requirement: motivation. You need to be motivated to go through the process of self-discovery – or, in some cases, re-discovery – to learn new skills and coping mechanisms, and rebuild your damaged self-esteem, self-respect and self-confidence. You’ll also need motivation to repair relationships that have been damaged as a result of your sexually addictive behavior.

One way to remain motivated is to keep your two lists handy and review them often. They can help guide you back on track, especially handy if you have minor set-backs.

The Big Picture – Coping with Addiction

In essence, you need to learn how to maintain your motivation to stop the sexually addictive behavior during the long and sometimes difficult process of recovery. In addition, you need to learn:

• How to cope with sexual urges.

• How to get as many of the benefits of the sexual addiction as possible, without losing the benefits of stopping the sexually addictive behavior.

• How to interrupt unconscious habit patterns (such as automatically going to the porn sites), if they exist.

• How to resolve problems caused by your sexual addiction – such as relationships, debts, health or legal problems.

• How to develop a new lifestyle not dominated by inappropriate sexually addictive behavior.

Coping with Sexual Urges

Understanding sexual addiction urges correctly is very important. They may be uncomfortable, but they are not generally unbearable. You won’t die if you don’t engage in the sexually addictive behavior. It isn’t a matter of life-threatening drug withdrawal. That’s not to say that it may not be painful. Think of urges as a temporary situation. If you wait long enough, they’ll fade away. Urges of all kinds, according to addiction experts, peak in how frequently they occur, how intense they are, and how long they last. There may be – and probably will be – gradual flare-ups, but they all tend to fade away with time.

Thinking about coping with sexual urges might seem overwhelming at first. It’s critical that you only take responsibility for how you respond to those urges – not the fact that the urge occurs. In fact, the occurrence of urges only means that your addiction is strong. It does not imply that you are weak in motivation. Remember that you should only take responsibility for how you react to the urges. But expect that urges will continue for some time during your recovery.

Coping Strategies

What should you do, specifically? Here are some coping strategies.

• For low-level sexual urges: Accept it – but keep it distant. Then, return to what you were doing before the sexual urge occurred.

• For more intense urges: Think of your benefits lists – both for the addiction and for stopping the behavior. These are your counter-arguments against the urges.

• For very intense or high-level sexual urges: Distract yourself – Do something that you enjoy that will take your mind off the sexual urges. Some find that numbers or math work well, such as counting backwards, doing times or division tables, counting books on a wall, leaves on trees. Others read backwards, do the alphabet forward and backward. The idea is simple activity at high speeds demands your complete attention. The sexual urges disappear.

• Keep a log of your sexual urges. Record the date, time, duration, and intensity -rate on a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being the highest). Also record what you did about the urge, how successful it was, and whether you had to repeat it. One added benefit of the log is that it proves useful in identifying high-risk situations when you discuss these with your therapist or counselor.

• Avoidance – Sometimes you find that you need to stay away from certain places, people or objects. These are the so-called triggers that cause you to go into autopilot and engage in the sexually addictive behavior. This is at best a temporary measure, as avoidance is not a constructive behavior in the end. Eventually, you will learn to replace avoidance with more positive coping skills. But it can get you through the initial period.

• Interrupt unconscious habit patterns by placing a barrier between you and the activity. This may involve cancelling or locking up credit cards, blocking access to porn sites, etc.

• Develop a more positive lifestyle. This is your best safeguard against the return of sexual urges.

• Learn from slips. Just because you succumb to a sexual urge and engage in sexually addictive behavior doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Learn from the experience. And, if you do relapse, pick yourself up and renew your motivation to quit the sexually addictive behavior.

Often sexual addicts have underlying problems that need to be worked on beyond their addiction. Once you’ve learned how to cope with sexual urges, you and your therapist can begin to address those issues. Without the weight of the coping urges, it will be easier to focus and do the further work that needs to be done.

Coping with sexual urges does take time. Besides the ones listed here, your therapist can provide many more examples of effective coping skills. Practice them. Over time, the sexual urges will diminish. When they do recur, you will be better able to handle them, having the confidence of a robust skill set.

Motivation, skills and time – that’s what it takes to cope with sexual urges.

Where Are You in Recovery?

If you are new to recovery, this may be the first time in a long time that you’ve been in a frame of mind to even have a relationship on a deeper level with another individual. This may not be something you want to hear, but now may not be the time to actively pursue a romantic involvement. You may need to give yourself more time to work on your coping skills, give and receive support from your 12-step friends, and work on charting your short-term and long-term goals. Why? The answer is simple. You want to be in a position to freely give and receive love and affection, and not have things clouded by your ongoing work to remain clean and sober. In other words, your focus right now should be on your recovery, as well as envisioning a future that encompasses everything you want – including sharing your life with another.

When you are further along in recovery and to the point where you are actively helping others in their own recovery, you’re in a better position to begin or strengthen a romantic relationship with another person. In fact, it’s probably a much more realistic time for you to meet someone new, someone sober, and with whom you can begin to interact. Still, there’s the nagging question: when is the right time and what do I say?

Examine Your Motives

Before you decide anything, or blurt out your story at the first available opportunity, examine what it is that you want to get out of this relationship. This is not about you being selfish. Rather, it’s about how genuine your feelings are for the other person. If what you are feeling is truly from the heart, you will want to give and do things that make this person happy, that help him or her grow. In other words, you are reaching outside yourself. How different from the days when all you thought about were your own problems, or getting your next drink or keeping your troubles from costing you your job or resulting in financial and legal difficulties. An outer focus instead of an inner focus is a sign of progress in recovery.

But you know you’re an alcoholic. And you’ll always be an alcoholic. Back to your motives, if what you want is something wholesome and good with this individual that you are beginning to care more for, then you can’t really separate the part of yourself that is the alcoholic from the current equation.

Deep inside, you know you have to tell this person the truth. You can avoid the inevitable for a while, but it will come up. It’s best to prepare yourself so that you can speak honestly about your situation.

How Far Along is the Relationship?

Another point to consider is the length of time you have been seeing the other person. If this is someone you’ve just met, you may need a little more time to decide if what you’re experiencing is just a passing friendship, a relationship that may be a long-term friendship, or something a bit more.

Looking at the time you’ve known this individual, has the relationship remained at the casual level – going out to a movie, sporting event, participating in outdoor recreational activities where there are lots of other people? Or has it become more intimate, dinner dates, spending time alone on a more regular basis? If it’s the latter, you’ve already become somewhat emotionally invested in the relationship. This isn’t said to scare you. It’s just a point to keep in mind.

What is the Chemistry?

Do you feel that the other person shares a deepening connection with you? Has this person said so or indicated so by his or her actions? Have you engaged in sexual relations yet? Have you been invited to and spent time with his or her family? Does he or she have children and is there any involvement with them at this time?

The more chemistry you both feel, the more urgent the issue becomes for you to give full disclosure.

What to Say

Only you can decide the right words to use, given your personality and that of the other individual, the situation and circumstances when you elect to tell this person you’re an alcoholic. But, here are some suggestions on how to start:

• There’s something I need to tell you and I want you to know that I’m only telling you because I care about you…
• You might have noticed that when we go out, I only order [coffee, soft drink, water, etc.]. There’s a reason for that…
• At first, I thought that we were just friends, and I didn’t want to get into my past, but now I feel that there’s something more, or there could be something more, and I want to be totally honest with you…
• I really enjoy your company, and it seems to me that you feel the same. So, it’s only right that I tell you a little more about myself, something that I know might make a difference in our relationship…
• We’ve been having such a good time together lately, and I find myself looking forward to seeing you – more than I would have thought at first. To be honest, what I’m about to tell you is something that I wish I didn’t have to, but I don’t want there to be any secrets between us…
• For a long time in my life, I’ve been closed off. I didn’t really want to share my life with anyone. Now that I’ve met you and we’ve spent some time together, I realize that I do want to open myself up. It’s important to me that you know who I am, so that what we have can be based on trust and complete honesty…

What are the Consequences of Disclosure?

Let’s look at this for a moment. It’s a natural fear that once we reveal something painful about ourselves to another that the individual may turn away from us. Telling someone you care about (or are beginning to care about) that you are an alcoholic may, in some instances, frighten that person off. If that’s the case, your relationship with that person would have deteriorated anyway, somewhere down the line. The person simply cannot deal with alcoholism, whether it’s you or someone else. This could be for any number of reasons: stigma, family history, past bad experience with an alcoholic, preconceptions, etc. You can’t change how the person feels or predict how they will react. This is just the price of being honest.

One thing is certain. If you fail to tell the truth and it comes out later – as it will – the consequences will be worse than if you are honest now. Think about it realistically. Wouldn’t you rather know something this profound about a loved one rather than it being kept from you? Caring about another means that you offer full disclosure – no secrets!

What happens after you tell this person that you care about that you are an alcoholic? Individuals react differently. Some will ask a lot of questions, seeking to understand or know what, when, how, how long, etc., what stage of recovery you are in or many details. Others may just take it in and say they need time to think about it. After all, the revelation is a pretty big one. Naturally, it takes time to digest and come to terms with the knowledge.

Maybe there’ll be a cooling off period, or a hiatus, or a total break. You need to be prepared for any and all of them. After some time, the person may come back, having accepted the facts of your circumstance and wanting to proceed with the relationship. Or, they may not be able to commit to an ongoing relationship with you – not necessarily because of your alcoholism, although it could be that, but because of their own attitudes and beliefs about alcoholism and their perceived or actual inability to deal with it.

Again, there’s nothing you can do about the other person’s reaction to what you say or the consequences afterward. When you share this much of yourself with another, it’s scary, painful and fraught with uncertainty. How can it not be? All you can do, then, is to convey how much the person means to you, and how you want to be upfront and honest.

Say what you need to say. Do it sooner rather than later. Be caring, direct, choose your words carefully and speak from the heart. If what you have is the real thing – genuine affection for another – your words and your actions (speaking the truth in a caring manner) will carry a lot of weight. They will mean something to the other person. What it means for your future relationship together is something that you have no control over now.

Above all, believe in yourself. Trust that you will be, by virtue of going through this experience, better able to deal with it in the future. If this relationship doesn’t pan out (for any reason already mentioned or another), there’s probably one ahead of you that will. Finding love and/or a life partner takes a lot of give and take in any circumstance. It’s not unique to an alcoholic. Don’t be so sensitive and don’t take it personally.

Take each day in recovery as a gift and a promise. The gift is that you are in a new stage of your life, one of sobriety. The promise is that you can make your future what you want. Your only limitation is failing to dream. Open yourself up. As you give to others of your time, energy and heart, they will do the same.

Sooner or later, you will meet or connect again with a love interest that accepts you with love. You are an alcoholic, but it does not define who you are today or who you will be tomorrow.

One final point: Enduring love is built on trust. The bedrock or foundation of a lasting relationship is mutual trust and respect. It’s a sign of total integrity, of wholeness and personal growth that you are able to give of yourself and receive in return.
Now, about telling your love interest that you are an alcoholic – what are you waiting for? Make a list of the points you want to convey, practice saying it in a mirror in your most sincere and caring manner. Then, just do it.